On Kissing and Not Kissing and Other Stuff

I've got readers who kiss and readers who don't. Whatever the reasons, religious or lack of opportunity or desire. But when Miss Fish writes about kissing, you just want to go out and do it. (Or maybe that's just me. In any case, it probably has nothing to do with the little imp-girl she met while she was out the other night.) On the flip side, there's P-Life, going all passionate in his head. Turns out he met a girl who's also passionate in her head. And they're being all expressive and stuff: Today we did a meditation exercise and it turned out that – when I was supposed to see my soul on its own light I couldn’t at all – your soul was so attached to mine that I couldn’t see my soul on her own. Saw us together as one. Sounds scary to verbalize it... And in a completely different vein, Anna Broadway, "enjoying" (or at least answering) lots of reader letters after her appearance in the Rolling Stone article about the new virginity movement, gets down and chaste (and as always intellectual) about being Queen of the Castle and why other should be Master of their Own Domains. (And I don't mean domain names. Those can be purchased from GoDaddy.) And a roundup wouldn't be a roundup without visits to H, who's over at Slay Your Demons taking on weak online dating profiles; Annabel Lee, who's ducking the usual JDate inappropriates; and Ari, who almost took a homeless guy back to her apartment for some lovin' and warns mothers everywhere to hide their sons.

"A Kiddush for All the Single Women in the World"

I love a good shidduch (match). In this case, the shidduch was between a post on Jewlicious and Daphna, a single woman in Jerusalem. The post informed the Jewlicious public about Reb Chaim's Worldwide Kiddush, a Shabbat kiddush happening in the Old City of Jerusalem in honor of all the single women in the world; through out the eating and drinking those in attendance would be "collecting" mazal-tovs (congratulatory wishes) and hopefully, those mazal-tovs would speed the arrival of soulmates for those who were single and searching. If you're skeptical, and this kind of event sounds like it was rife with potential to be overly heavy-handed and preachy, don't worry. Daphna was hesitant too. In fact, on Jewlicious, she anticipated that it might be "[k]inda like the space aliens call when they beam down eerily seductive signals from their giant space ships so that they can suck you up and perform bizarre medical experiments on you before they send you back to your real life in which everyone will now think you are nuts apart from a couple groupies in Roswell." (My response: who couldn't use a spiritual anal probe these days?) What happened? Read the full account on her blog. But suffice it to say that everyone won here: Daphna showed everyone how fearless and funny she is; Jewlicious gets the mitzvah points for making the shidduch; and Reb Chaim was able to facilitate a true spiritual encounter for a single woman. In Daphna's own words:

If it is true that I really do not know whether I believe that what I did today will have any effect on my finding a beschert, it is also true that I walked away with the feeling that, if anyone might have a shot of pulling such a miracle out of the pocket of heaven, Reb Chaim would.

Faith can be so elusive. It's nice to know that there are people reaching out and trying to make a difference in the lives of often-communally-neglected observant singles population.

Truth and Consequences (Salon)

Anna Jane Grossman, of BreakupNews.com, on truth and online dating in Salon:

Meeting people on the Internet was nothing new to [LA resident Jessica] Walters, who had spent her high-school years talking to people all over the world in chat rooms. "I remember feeling like people were pretty straightforward about themselves when we'd chat," she said. "They didn't seem to be pretending they were something they weren't."

So when the first guy who contacted her through JDate revealed on his profile that he was only 5-foot-3, Walters assumed he was telling the truth.

I think we all know where the story goes from here. And it involves the words "Oompa Loompa." (Not my joke; Walters's.)

Read the rest of the story here. (And who's that quoted on page 2?)

Friday Night Lights (new column)

When I was in college, Chabad made a huge push for Jewish women to light Shabbat candles every Friday night. If, for one solitary Sabbath, every Jewish woman in the world lit a pair of candles, the campus rabbi maintained, the unity and peace of that one worldwide act would bring the Messiah. Unfortunately, as long as I live in my flammable little studio, I’m going to have to live with the fact that the continued imperfection of our pre-Messianic world may be my fault.

In case you haven't seen it on My Urban Kvetch or in your own personal copy of The Jewish Week, here's the link to my new column, Friday Night Lights.

Blogdentity Crisis

Crisis may be too strong a word. But still, this blog has definitely changed. When we first began in April 2004, this was our purpose:

There are thousands of us out here, in the online netherworld, shopping for love and companionship over the Internet...We have experienced the joy of an email from someone we thought we found interesting, only to be disappointed in real life. We have encountered people who lied about their height and interests. We have chatted with people online who seem witty with the 10-20 second IM delay, and moved the relationship to the phone, only to find that their conversational skills are clearly lacking. We have wondered how to handle the delicate situations we encounter, and have sought advice from friends. Now, there's one more friend to consult... The goal of this blog is to record our experiences, good and bad, of men and women, serial JDaters and novices, from NYC to L.A. and everywhere in between. When the muse inspires, there will be features, rants and raves on related subjects. But this is your blog, your forum. Speak.

I vowed to myself that I wouldn't write about the people in my life, because it wasn't fair to present a story that was half theirs, but strip them of their voices. Besides, just because the chemistry wasn't right with me didn't mean that person wouldn't make a great boyfriend/husband/companion for someone else. The one time I wrote about a specific person in a blog post happened on My Urban Kvetch, and it was after a decade. And I had learned that he had just been married. And, just to be sure he was unrecognizable, I changed his name. I was extremely careful about such things. As weeks and months wore on, with my commitment to being a neutral zone open to all and that wasn't about me, content was less of the "speak and be heard" variety and more of a way for singles-columnist me to track trends and patterns in online and offline dating, with the occasional foray into "I can't believe he (or she) did this (or that)." But over the last several weeks, the content has changed*, and not in a manner that's totally comfortable for me. And these are posts that I may yet live to regret, because they, in some small way, violate that promise I made to myself when I started blogging. I'm still not naming names or specifics. I'm writing about the emotional fallout from such encounters or expectations thwarted, often in so abstract a manner that it can confuse people who don't know me. I write as myself, under my own name, of my own experiences. I'm trying to reinforce my emotional fortitude by being more open about how I feel, writing my way through perceived and actual betrayals of whatever magnitude, and letting that come through in my writing. And at the same time, I'm trying to maintain the reputations of the people who, often through no real fault of their own, made me feel this way. Because the inquisition is all internal, it's easy for me to write about what I'm feeling, and extremely difficult to push that "Publish" button. I've learned that with a few exceptions, people protect their own interests, and that's a lesson I could stand to internalize, in moderation, at least. I find myself wondering if this kind of writing does me a disservice, even if I don't name names. Perhaps it would be better to slay my demons privately instead of expelling my disappointments into the blogosphere to land in the ears of the similarly disappointed. Perhaps I should refocus the blog on observing the trends and contributing snarky commentary that keeps everyone laughing, and feeling like they've found a community. But then again, the emotional posts seem to have found their own audience, and a network of support has reached back from an Internet void to embrace me and provide me with desperately-needed comfort. I'll have to give this some serious thought. Your feedback, as always, is welcome. *The posts that inspired this one: The Single Gal's Survival Guide...Up Late...Emotional Jetlag

Emotional Jetlag

From 0 to 60 to 30,000 feet, I’m back at 0. Back to the standard yellow alert that keeps me on edge, but not frantic. Back to normal. But somehow, normal seems nowhere near as normal as I remembered. I don’t know what I was expecting, but hometown doldrums are unaltered by departures and arrivals, by endless terminals that in name alone sound deadly, by points of origin and destinations that seem extremely different at journey’s start than they do after all the mileage has been accrued. It’s a short trip from optimism to pessimism, from elation to deflation. And during the trip entire, I’m still just me. As far as I've traveled, I've returned to a circumstance unaltered by my experiences. Still, it's a journey. I pass through insecurity, a checkpoint I am all too used to. Unshoeing myself, I feel my socks, the protectors of my tender toes, slip on shiny, happy linoleum. My footing unstable, I wonder if metal detectors can detect the slow, metallic hardening of a human heart. I dismiss the melodrama and put my shoes back on. Dragging a suitcase, now with only one wheel functioning, I wondered: did my bag travel on hope, with optimism contained just within a zipped compartment? Or was it despair that kept my carry-on rolling on, in the knowledge that to stop would result in paralysis? Then, the answer: hope and despair are too closely connected to separate. They are conjoined twins; one will die without the other. And that's why distance can make you sad and proximity can make you sadder: because the closer you are, the more your heart feels the once and future distance. In a wireless lounge, hope rebooted leads to some endless area of the undeveloped internet, where I am lost in the land of 404-filenotfounds of missed connections and opportunities. I can’t explain it away, argue it out of existence in front of a jury of my fears. I’m judge and defendant and prosecutor. Interpretation and reinterpretation are the soul purview of self, and the burden of justice weighs heavily. It's not just about him. Undoubtedly, the rawer, recent part of it is. But part of it is residual,--the infectious, previously latent remnants of the other disappointments that litter my mind, the other potentials who never actualized, never became anything of substance. Not fair to make him the lightning rod for decades' disappointment; still I feared his reaction like terrorism. Somehow I knew that unspoken, my meaning would sweep by him as airborne intangible; he'd judge the longing as irrational, nonspecific and dismissable--even amid protestations of my greatness, dismissing me in the process. Compared to war, hunger, crime, poverty, suffering, death…I know this disappointment is a luxurious indulgence, my grief only a whisper of a truer heartbreak: my caught breath and swallowed tears are hyberbolic nothing. But there’s no pretending that the sadness doesn’t go deep. Deeper than canyons seen from airplanes or betrayal or deceit or chasms of misunderstanding or relationships you overimagined. Back then, I took in the ambiguity willfully, like clichés, or carbon monoxide. Part of me preferred to live with a desperate unstable hope in ambiguous silence. While uncertainty is torturous immobility, it also preserves possibility. In immobility, new wounds cannot be inflicted: past stays past, potential seems horizon-limitless, and futures seem more hopeful. Instead, I seized the reins, demanded truth. Received my certainty with a side of heartbreak. Here, where I am now, feels like a place of impossible and insatiable thirst—tired and irritable, I’m parched for contact. In some moments, hairline fractures in my heart belabor vital breath and it feels like I’m eroding. Now, having never begun, it's over. Lesson learned: that if you ask for nothing you get nothing. But sometimes, even when you ask, you still get nothing.

Florida? London? Israel?...All Jewtopias

That's right, everyone's favorite Jewtopians, Bryan Fogel and Sam Wolfson, are going international. According to the Jerusalem Post, in addition to the NYC and Chicago productions that are currently running, and the screenplay that's in development, the duo has plans to launch productions in Florida (a natural), London (alert the Bloghead), and Israel (where it will undoubtedly be greeted with mixed reviews: "it's hilarious!"... "it's a threat to Judaism!"). Now, if only they had a blog, they'd be really huge news... And this is beginning to inspire me to get back to writing my JDate musical...

Kosher Prom Dates?

Well, most of you already know about My Secret Yeshiva Prom. (Which, I guess, means it ain't a secret no more.) But although the event itself was a little underground, I'm pretty sure that everyone's date was Jewish. But according to this article in the Jewish Week, a Westchester area Solomon Schechter school (Conservative) announced that students would only be allowed to bring dates who were Jewish:

While the school saw the directive as a way to stave off interfaith dating, Bertrand [a student whose father was Catholic when her parents married] and other students at the Hartsdale school said it encouraged creating a “self-imposed ghetto” that could generate resentment and even stoke the flames of anti-Semitism. “It was intended to promote Jewish continuity, but instead it insults non-Jews, it insults Solomon Schechter students, and it doesn’t reflect well on the school,” Bertrand said of the Jewish-only prom policy, which remains in place today. Worse, she said, the decree might inadvertently prove racist. “Most people can pass as Jewish,” said Bertrand, now 18, noting that school officials would be hard pressed to determine at the door who was Jewish. “If the school was going to investigate students they suspected brought non-Jewish dates, the only red flag would be if someone was another race.”

And I was worried about bringing someone Conservative to my underground yeshiva prom...

The Week in Dating

This week has been a varied and interesting one for bloggers who date or post about the single life: Chayyei Sarah gets called back by a man. Really. It happened. But like I told her, it sounds kind of fishy, because that never happens in New York. So I have a call into the urban legends sites, just to be sure. Nice Jewish Girl (“34 and never been kissed”) posts an update on her struggle with Orthodox Judaism and her desire for physical and spiritual companionship. The Anonymous Blogger has a “dating emergency,” in which a woman writes him for advice. Read the post and his readers’ comments here. An anonymous reader shared info on “G-Spot,” the newest Canadian attempt to replicate the saucy success of Sex and the City. This info from TVTome is about episode 5, in which:

Well, that's it. Gigi's only doing Jews from now on. She doesn't care who they are - no one goes down on her unless they go to Temple! With Roxy's help, she takes matters into her own hands and enrolls in a Jewish internet dating site.

All of JDA's Canadian readers are invited to send their reviews of this series to me. Plus, is the old "When Harry Met Sally" adage true? Is it impossible for men and women to be friends without "the sex thing getting in the way"? Dr. Janice revisits the issue of friendships between men and women. Read the bulletin board postings and post your reactions here. And if you enjoy watching brides humiliating themselves for cash (and what red-blooded American singleton doesn't?), then you missed a bridal bonanza yesterday, as Bridezilla sponsored a contest in Times Square for brides to find a $50,000 check in a wedding cake. (How many Points is that?) Ah, dignity. No word if “cake-diving” is going to become a national pastime. This only would have been better if, during the cake-scavation, all of the brides’ bridesmaids had been on hand to beat the brides over the head with their own bouquets. (Not that I’m encouraging anti-bride violence.) Now that’s entertainment.

Interviewees Needed: Falling For "That Jerk"

Renatt Brodsky, a fellow freelancer, is working on an upcoming Glamour story titled, "Hate at first sight" - It's about women and how they ended up falling for "that jerk!." She writes:

I need quotes from women in their TWENTIES about their personal experiences with a guy who did something so unbelievable that they just can't believe they wanted to see him again and give him another chance. Like... insulted her, called her fat, vomited on her, tripped her, accidentally set her hair on fire... :) you get the picture. Here are some good examples:

"I thought RD’s accent sounded just like Forest Gump when I first met him at a work event, and he was everything I swore I would never date--he was a hunter, drove a pickup truck, and liked chicken-fried steak. Still, I thought he was cute and a few days later we were emailing and talking on the phone. Because I didn't write him off, I found out that he was witty and smart. And even though my gastronomical parents are horrified, six years later, I actually like chicken-fried steak.” - Marcy John, 26, Dallas, Texas "I met this guy on vacation in Cabo San Lucas. He was acting like a total frat boy--talking really loud and telling jokes that weren't funny. Then he bought me a beer and spilled it on me! After the trip, we reconnected again back home in San Francisco over email (he was on an email list of people I met on the trip), and a few days later I reluctantly invited him to dinner with some friends. Everyone thought he was so great and said I was crazy if I didn’t go on a date with him. It turned out, though, that away from the beer and the bar, he was charming and down to earth. Forget Mexico, he turned out to be the great treasure of San Francisco." -Michelle Marlin 29, San Francisco, California If you have a great anecdote about a jerk you lusted after again and again--please email me the following information by Wednesday, June 8 2005, 9 a.m. 1. first and last name 2. age 3. city, state 4. email 5. number 6. your quote.

Please email her with any questions, and tell her you found out about it from Esther, from JDatersAnonymous...

Up Late

When you're up late, you say and do things you shouldn't. You contact people you'd be better off without, at least in the short term. Because the interactions, long awaited, are never what you'd expected or hoped for. They fall short. And the disappointment scrapes off any scab over the wound, and you feel it all over again. You might have thought that you were on the road to recovery. But you feel as lost as ever. And all you want to do is sleep. But you can't. Because you're still clinging to the hope that the next time will be soon, and better than it was. And now you've done it. You've brought it on yourself now. It's fresh. And man, does it hurt.

The Single Gal's Survival Guide

...to disappointment: 1) Cry. It's all right to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you. OK, so it doesn't. But it still beats holding it in for years and having it surface during an NBC re-airing of Titanic. 2) Phone a friend. Important to have someone there to counter the self-deprecation and negativity that you'll undoubtedly hurl at yourself. Also important to make sure that you're not alone when you... 3) Find glass, add ice, pour Jack Daniels into glass. Consider adding Diet Coke, but you only have caffeinated and you don't want your elixir to keep you up all night. 4) Turn off all instant messengers and screen your phonecalls. Make outgoing calls to female friends only; male friends who are married are okay to call too. But do not call or otherwise communicate with single male "friends." You don't want to drink-and-dial (or imbibe-and-IM) when you're in this state of mind. This way, madness lies. 5) Go to bed earlyish, and realize that you haven't been to sleep before midnight in months. Resolve to get more sleep in the future, even as you know you're swearing oaths to yourself that you'll never keep. As you fall asleep, listen to music that contains a soothing rhythm, soaring passion, and a subtle melancholy. 6) Wake to find yourself in possession of two empty boxes of tissues, two puffy eyes and one big headache, which you decide to address by the name of Mr. Daniels. Promise yourself that yesterday's frustration will fuel today's workout, and load up the MP3 player with blisteringly popalicious Top 40 tunes mixed with old school heavy metal. 7) Go through the motions, even as you realize that there's still lots to work out, and that only time, if anything, will remove the splinters of pain and disappointment from the soft undersides of your feet. You know that every step will hurt until it doesn't. Buy insoles. Cover nascent blisters with band-aids. But do everything in your power to keep walking.

Ari's Thoughts

My girl Ari, who was the first to cross over from my blog-life into a three-dimensional plane, is a true original. Sassy, smart and irreverent, she is devoted to her friends, and just like the rest of us, thinking too much. Go on over. Say hi. And tell her how great she is.

She Says Yes...

In case anyone was concerned for Seth Menachem, who proposed to his girlfriend in a Singles column, he's written another column in which he reveals that she accepted the proposal. Mazal tov to the happy couple.

Dear Dating Diary: Today I Was "Reclassified"

I struggle with labels, really I do. I’ve long said that everyone these days seems eager to slap a new and inventive label (Hippiedox, Conservadox, Flexidox) on themselves in order to describe their uniquely complex and nuanced relationship with Judaism ( e.g., “I go to an Orthodox shul, but go to the gym Shabbat afternoon, and will take the subway because, like a Shabbat elevator, it stops at every station anyway”). As a result, no label really means anything anymore. So, during my brief period on Frumster, I aligned myself with the most newly founded and most liberal category or label: “Traditional and Growing.” I chose this label because not choosing a label was not an option, and because this seemed like the most moderate, the most liberal, the most (if not exactly) resemblant of my observance. All the other labels included terms that I would never use to describe myself: yeshivish, black hat, ba’al teshuvah, etc) Because the people contacting me were never people I could see myself with religiously (and because none of them seemed to possess anything resembling a sense of humor), I deactivated my Frumster profile last month, but today, got this message from their customer support team informing me that I’d been reclassified.”

For more, read the post and its 85 comments at Jewlicious. The site's undergoing renovations, but the content's all there...

Fear Factor: The Non-Date

If you haven't been there, you're lucky. I have been on non-dates more times than I can count. Now that I think about it, most of my dates (and all of my best dates) have been non-dates. It always starts off as fun, promising, with a palpable potential, that by date's end (or "non-date's non-end" as the case may be) you're emotionally shredded by your confusion, self-doubt and by the messages that you're perceiving as mixed, but which in fact may not be clear, but which you are certainly resisting absorbing. It's like an episode of SNL's "It's Pat," where you're trying to figure out what that person is, and how they fit into your understanding of your life, and everytime you get a (romantically or) sexually charged clue, the person counters it with a term of neutrality. So why not just ask? Just summon up some courage from a nether dimension where courage abounds as a natural resource, and spit out the words into the air? Because courage is in short supply, and we're petrified. And we have good reason to be scared. Most declarations of romantic intent are met with a less than enthusiastic reception, and whatever friendship was beginning to take root usually ceases to grow; it's like our expression of honesty and yearning was death to fertile soil, the emotional equivalent of sowing the earth with salt, so that nothing will ever again grow there. Or, as Ken puts it:

So, instead of making a fool of yourself, you go on a series of these nondates and with each passing one get progressively crazier, act increasingly weirder--you fret, you hope, you worry, you moon, you envy and, yes, you even pine--until finally you just snap and say "HOLY SHIT I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY AND I THINK I LOVE YOU." And when that happens? Well, there's a very, very slim chance that the other person will say, "Oh my god. Me too!" But the smart money goes on the other response: He or she shouts "Hey, look over there! It's Steve Perry from Journey!" and then, the minute you turn your head, runs away, never to be seen from again.

Or, in the case of living in a densely packed community like the Upper West Side, you will continue to see that person everywhere. At every social event, at ever synagogue you visit, at every Shabbat dinner everywhere. Frankly, you're going to see them anyway, so there's no point in accelerating the misery by making them uncomfortable too. Better to pull away slightly, for the sake of your own sanity. Besides:

If you find yourself on the third or fourth hang-out, nondate or whatever, chances are you are dating this person only in your own mind. If the other person were as into you as you are into him or her, you'd already be holding hands on the subway, playing tonsil hockey in the park and generally making a nuisance of yourself in public.

And you, being a smart person, have realized that you are doing none of these things. Even if the other person makes you feel like no one else, even if there's a connection there you haven't felt with anyone in years, even if you have a strange conviction that this person is someone who was meant for you, you stay quiet. You wait for the signal, the one sign that will translate into a romantic green light. Sometimes you see glimmers of this everywhere...hints that the feelings run deep on both sides. But nine times out of ten, that's called denial. The signal you're waiting for will never come. You learn that marinating in your own misery is preferable to cutting yourself open and plucking out your heart to offer it to a non-receptive audience. You continue your pining and mooning, and everything else, but treat it as a process of grief. All you can hope for is that after your denial and anger, eventually acceptance will come. In the interim, you paint on your smile, hope it fools everyone else, and try to beat back the sadness. [Inspired, obviously, by Ken's post.]

Singles Writer Proposes in Column

I don't know what to think about this. Seth Menachem, at the end of his singles column about commitment and finding the right girl, proposed to his girlfriend Carrie. The hopeless romantic in me is weeping tears of joy for the happy couple. And the cynical single in me is calling the whole thing too cheesy for words. To sum up, this proposal is either: a) the sweetest thing ever b) vomitatious Of course, wishing the happy couple all the best.

Romance, Religion, Kidnapping and Craigslist

Sometimes, I find myself wishing that I was born into a more religious community, where dating would be different, and I thought, easier. A community where there is less emphasis on romantic choice, and therefore more likelihood that I would be in a different stage of adulthood by now, raising my children in perfect faith within a community that shared my values, even if I never had the chance to challenge them through emotional inquiry. But being super-religious isn't all fun and games in the romance department. This story has already been circulating for a few days, but I felt the need to have it here too as part of this week's romance roundup.

The wayward son of a powerful rabbinic family kidnaps and violently abuses his teenage sister's would-be suitor to prevent an affair that violates the family's strict religious codes. The real-life tale culminated in the arrest earlier this week of the wife, daughter and son of Israel's Sephardic chief rabbi, Shlomo Amar, and two alleged Bedouin accomplices. The family members were suspected in the abduction and assault of a 17-year-old, ultra-Orthodox youth because they reportedly objected to his relationship with the rabbi's 18-year-old daughter, Ayala, whom he met in an Internet chat room.

"In our society, as long as people are not married ... no contact between a girl and a boy is acceptable," [another of the family's sons who was not involved in the abduction] said.

That's in Israel. But here in America, on the internet juggernaut that is the Craigslist M4W board, we have seen posts from religious people seeking sexual liaisons with people outside their community and outside their marriages. Now (hat tip: Dov Bear), a prophet of old seems to have emerged, and has taken on Craigslist as his personal shonda (source of embarrassment) to be eradicated through the time-honored technique of tokhakhah (rebuke for the purpose that the miscreant should repent). Here's an excerpt (spellings preserved, translations mine):

Aishes ish [relations with another man's wife] causes mamzeirim [bastards] in klal yisoel [klal yisroel: the Jewish people]. Cheating on one's wife is also ASUR [forbidden]! Imagine what you are doing to your children - to your families! Giluy Arayos [forbidden sexual relations] is yahareg v'al ya'avor [a sin you are commanded to die for rather than commit]! Arayos is one of the three cardinal sins - on par with muder and idolatry. This is the downfall of our society. Even if they are strictly amongst single people, it is terrible. Even if the ads are not real, they are still a terrible chilul [desecration of God's name]. Even if you think nobody knows, it is still terrible. Even if you think nobody will ever find out, besides for you being wrong, it is still terrible.

You know I'm more moderate than the people who posted both the ads and this rebuke to the people who are looking for these liaisons. But I think that what they point to is the power of the Internet to reflect things about ourselves, and even in our most religious communities, that we wouldn't cop to in real life. Married people looking for no-strings sexual relationships with other people should be working on their marriages; maybe the two people were never suited for each other anyway and only got married because of parental/communal/social pressure. ("I can't believe I'm 20, and haven't met my bashert yet!") Maybe they grew up thinking that boys were liars and girls were stupid. Or maybe the kids in question weren't fully-cooked individuals and shouldn't have committed to a relationship with someone else that was supposed to be forever while half-baked. Whether or not there's rebuke involved, the mere presence of these ads and the story about the kidnapping illustrates that life isn't always greener on the other side of the religious spectrum, and that a more restrictive and isolated lifestyle isn't always to be envied. Relationships are hard, and when it comes down to it, maybe the success of the relationship is really up to the two individuals who are trying to make it work.

"Instant" Gratification

My new singles column, "'Instant' Gratification," is now online.

In the age of the Internet, who writes love letters anymore? The romantic epistolary tradition has gone high-tech; online love is all about the Instant Message (IM) window, with its unique language of shorthand endearments: BRB (be right back), IMHO (in my humble opinion) and the ultimate phrase representing devotion and commitment potential, the coveted LOL (laughing out loud). But at the end of an e-communication, can we trust our memory of what happened? Absent of intonation and physical cues, how do we discern if a sentiment is mutual? And how real is the connection for today’s daters?

Click here to read the article in its entirety. Thanks to all of you who helped out with this article by emailing me or leaving your comments here. This is one of those columns that has your names written all over it... Enjoy!

Reason #34: YOU CAN NEVER NEVER NEVER TRUST A BOY

I try to be open-minded and respectful, really I do. Occasionally, I slip into an area that's more of a loving lampoon than an angry tirade, which is just part of being single, I think. I especially try to be open-minded to Jewish or religious ways and views which are not my own. (For instance, although I don't choose to share her lifestyle, I linked to Nice Jewish Girl and could appreciate what she had to say. I thought it was incredibly brave for her to explore her heart's desire in the context of her religious commitment. Others disagreed with me on the bravery front, but still...) I'd like to be that person who can get along with Jews (and in fact, non-Jews as well) of all religious stripes. It's all good, and it's all about love. But today, I came across this list on FrumTeens.com, a website for religious teenagers to discuss various issues. The list (located in the "Long Skirts and 'Platonic' Relationships" forum of the site) is titled "71 Reasons Not to Talk to Boys." And aside from the appalling spelling (and I mean, appalling), I'm a little frightened. I'm not saying this to ridicule the members of the list, God forbid. I just don't understand how advocating a complete separation between the sexes until it's courtship time can be a good thing. Some examples (spelling and punctuation preserved)... 3) You risk getting caught by, and being thrown out of your school Maybe because it's not my community, but I don't understand how talking to a boy leads to expulsion from school. In my yeshiva high school (which admittedly was co-ed), I was reprimanded for cuffing my friend Mark on the shoulder once (a rabbi saw me, and gave me a "you know you're not supposed to touch boys" speech). But I never got the feeling that I was in any danger of expulsion. 6) You WILL NOT stay shomer negiyah [not touching the opposite sex], which is also assur [forbidden]-(a yaharog veal yaavor[a sin so grievous that you should be killed rather than transgress it]) Much discussion follows as to the exact origin of the prohibition against opposite-sex discourse, with some people disagreeing as to the character of the sin as yaharog v'al ya'avor. 7) The guy is 100% talking bad about you to his frineds in one way or another I think this breeds a distrust of all men for all time. How do you go from being paranoid about all boys to trusting one man enough to spend your life with him? And it's not like girls are never mean to other girls. If you can't trust boys and you can't trust girls, who does that leave you with? 9) Every boy is a liar, a pervert, a jerk, and you will eventually find this out OK. I've got no problems with this one. I'm kidding. I would say we can all be liars, perverts and jerks, boys and girls alike. And this one, like number 7, breeds a mistrust of all men that will undoubtedly follow the girls into their adult and married lives. 26) a guy will prob @#$% %** cus of you,, and thats like one of the wosrt averriois [sins], and im sure we get part of it I'm guessing that missing word has something to do with self-love, but to me the concept that girls shouldn't talk to boys because said boys might go home and think of the girls when they, ahem, you know is like saying that we should stop producing peanut butter because some people are allergic to it. OK, so it's not a perfect analogy, but that it falls to girls to prevent adolescent boys from pleasuring themselves? Please. And of course, there's #34, the one that inspired my post here today: YOU CAN NEVER NEVER NEVER TRUST A BOY How many "never"s is that? I'm with Maidel123, who points out: While I agree that there are many negative elements of guys and girls talking for no particular reason it is also important not to paint the opposite gender as evil or anything of that sort. Not just because it's not nice, but because I'm not sure I understand how, for example, a girl would make the change from thinking guys are scum etc. etc. to thinking that THE guy is the one with whom you'll share so many things-a relationship as a couple, builders of a Jewish home, builders of a Jewish family...so while members of the opposite gender may not be APPROPRIATE they are not inherently CH"V [that's an abbreviation for chas v'chalilah, which means God forbid] evil. Much discussion on the boards ensues, from both boys and girls (and I suspect there are some older men and women there too, as the spelling and sentence structure is vastly improved in some of the subsequent responses). If I were still in my yeshiva high school, as constricted as I felt there, I know that this bulletin board/forum would have been way too right-wing for me. I just hope that these girls and boys don't grow up so scared of each other that it creates marriages that are built on foundations of mistrust and fear. (Hat tip for the list, even though he may not like what I've done with it: Seraphic Secret)

Technology: Dating Friend, or Foe?

I need your help, my readers and friends: Does Internet-based technology (email or IM) help or hinder romance?

1. How far into a relationship do you exchange email/IM info?
2. Do you think people communicate better or worse over email/IM?
3. How do you prefer to communicate with potential dates? (Phone, email, IM?) Why do you prefer that method over others?
4. Have you ever misunderstood someone in IM/email that has led you to heartbreak or disappointment?
5. Do you think the IM window is a better or worse way to get to know someone?
6. Have you found that your online impression of someone (through IM or email or even through blogging) is different from how they really are in person? Has that been difficult for you to accept?

Feel free to leave your answers in the comments section, or email me with your response. Please indicate your age, location, profession (especially if you're in a tech field) and whether you'd like to be quoted by name or by a pseudonym. Your help is appreciated!

Can a Blog Have a Paper Anniversary?

If it can, JDaters Anonymous's Paper Anniversary is today. One year of kvetching about dating, online and off, sharing ideas and stories with others who are struggling and who have struggled in their searches for love. One year of discovering the quirks of JDate and the quirks of the people who inhabit the site: some are people who are very much like us, and others are, well, not. I've learned a lot this year. Hopefully, you have too. Let's recommit to the community we're becoming. And to the prospect and hope of finding someone to love. If these crazy kids can make a go of it, maybe we can too. Happy birthday, JDaters Anonymous!!

Lies Lies Lies, Yeah

And now, from the "News That Isn't Really News" Department... TrueDater.com just released a study that confirms what we already suspected to be true: that online daters lie about what they really look like. I know what you're asking: What's TrueDater.com? Think of it as Epinions for online dating profiles:

TrueDater.com, providing today's online daters with the ability to read or review the truthfulness of people¹s dating profiles, asked its users which quality online daters are most likely to exaggerate in their dating profiles. Men and women both said the two qualities most likely to be misrepresented were weight and overall physical appearance.

"Amazon has book reviews, TrueDater provides dating profile reviews. Based on ourfree service, we are encouraging online daters to pledge honesty not only in their profiles, but in their everyday lives and a growing movement is championing this effort," said Jason Jordan, TrueDater Co-Founder.

Users were asked what qualities online daters exaggerate or lie about most often. Choices were: height, weight, age, income, marital status, physical appearance and "other."

• 34% of the respondents chose weight, with physical appearance coming in at 27%.
• Male voters ranked weight first with 45%, and physical appearance second with 20%.
• Marital status ranked third with 13%, all others received 10% or less.
• With female voters, general physical appearance ranked first with 36% of the vote, followed by weight (19%) and age (16%).

Surprisingly, female voters said men were more likely to exaggerate weight and appearance than height and income level. Also, more men than women complained that online daters had been dishonest about their marital status.

Very interesting results. Although the imbalance noted in the last paragraph (anecdotally, I know the situation to be just the opposite) has me wondering how many people they interviewed for this survey. One last note that will sound familiar to my regular readers. There are certain elements of physical appearance that are objective, and will be learned/observed/discovered when we first meet someone. Height is one of these elements: if you're 5'5 and tell me you're 5'8, and if "5'8" you and "5'5" me are looking into each other's eyes without the aid of heels when we finally meet, then I know, you've lied. Does the height matter that much, especially if the personality and humor are a match? Not to me. (Especially on JDate: I tend to automatically deduct 2-3 inches from the stated height in a JDater's profile. For some reason Jewish guys seem to have no idea how tall they are.) But the fact that you lied? That matters a bit. And it might make a girl wonder what else you're hiding... And in terms of the lying about weight thing, I just need to reiterate that while weight is by definition an objective measure (even a non-science oriented person like me understands that a pound is a pound), weight looks different on different people. It can depend on how muscular a person is, how tall s/he is, the build, where s/he wears his/her weight, etc. Because of those variables, I think the "frame" descriptor is better than listing a numerical weight. Unless I'm your boxing coach (or you're mine) and we're prepping for a match, I maintain that there's no need to determine whether we're lightweights, middleweights or heavyweights. I also think it goes without saying that sometimes an internal attraction can alter a perception of physical beauty. There's also another component...I'm reminded of that scene from The Matrix, wherein Neo is in the simulation for the first time, and he sees himself in a certain way. Morpheus explains to him that this is the way he sees himself (even though in the "outside" world, he wears sackcloth and has all these connectors up his spine and in his head). Because we all see ourselves a certain way, we may be unable to see why a photo might be construed as an underestimation or overestimation of our physical assets. I may (theoretically) see myself as "fit" or "muscular" while someone else might describe me as "average," "overweight," "medium," or even (in the Jewish world with my 5 feet and 5 inches) "tall." In our heads, we're all individual Neos. But how each individual set of eyes in each person in the world sees us? We can't control that. As for Truedater.com, who knows if it will take off. I guess that depends on how many people feel they'd like to review their dates for the site. And how many people will tune into this new site as a vetting process to decide whether or not the person's worth going out with. And whether people will be able to distinguish the lies that matter from the unwitting misrepresentations that we undoubtedly all make when describing ourselves to others.

Welcome, New Readers

Just wanted to welcome any new readers who might be here because of Ken Wheaton's Metro article about bloggers who blog their dates... Posting's a little light this week due to Passover, but there's lots of stuff already here, so stick around, peruse the archives and new posts will be with you shortly! Got questions? Email me, and I'll gladly answer. Thanks for visiting!

Wookin' Pa Nub

I'm sorry, I cheated on you. I did a blog post over at Jewlicious that I thought the boys there would consume with a sharklike frenzy. But alas, it received no love. I was, as Buh-weet might have sung back in the day, "Wookin' Pa Nub in Aww Da Wong Paces." Was that because the post itself wasn't as compelling as I'd thought? Or because it was overshadowed by subsequent posts about the election of a new Pope? Perhaps. Or perhaps it was blogkarmic retribution for not looking for love somewhere other than in my own blogyard... I've learned my lesson. Next time, if it's a good JDaters post, I'll post it here first (and cross-post it later...) Putting the "Man" Back in "Afikoman": Craigslist Personals for a Satisfying Pesach

Tired of Endless Dating? Might As Well Eat...

According to Reuters in London, speed dating is out, and "feed dating" is in, "where the love-hungry can at least enjoy a good meal if they don't find romance." Meeting people at dinner parties has become the most popular way for Britons in their 30s to find a new partner, according to a survey by food firm Geest. Of 1,000 single people, 34 percent said they wanted to combine food with flirting -- with a safety net of having friends with them if the dinner date went pear-shaped. Because JDaters Anonymous is a service-based weblog, we are pleased to provide you with this handy list of things to avoid when "feed dating": 1. The Blooming Onion (greasy oil all over face and hands is almost never a portent of romance) 2. Any garlic-based dishes (no explanation is required, is it?) 3. Pesto (believe me, this one is bad--no matter how many times you try to dislodge the stuff from the crevices between your teeth, it's not coming out until you brush it out with some Crest or Colgate later at home...) 4. Poppy seed bagels (see "pesto") 5. Deli (deli is not sexy...except maybe pastrami, with its blend of pungent spices, which can get stuck in your teeth, see "pesto") 6. Red wine (it stains your teeth almost instantly, and certain colors of long-wearing lipstick actually can also pick up the tint, creating a "clown mouth" effect...don't ask me how I know that...) 7. Grapefruit (no way to eat this and not spritz your date in the eye with a blinding spray of citrus) 8. Chocolate (because of the teeth thing--see "pesto"--, and because it may remind you that you have no need for companionship of the opposite sex) 9. Matzah (crumbles into a million specks that will instantly adhere to clothing and make you look like you suffer from gargantuan dandruff) 10. Pasta with red sauce (because you will ALWAYS spill it all over yourself, especially if you're wearing white) Not quite the Ten Commandments. But I think they're decent suggestions.

Equal Time: Enter the Anti-Gump

Usually, we present the female perspective here on JDaters Anonymous. But I read this article by Matt Lipeles in the Jewish Journal and thought I'd share it with you, in the interest of equal time and for the purpose of discussion. In the article, titled "The Love Impaired," Matt writes: But it really got me to thinking, what is love anyway? I bet you thought I was going to answer that question, didn’t you? Well, I can’t. That’s the point. I don’t know. I’m 37 and single. I’m a relationship moron. I’m romantically impaired. I don’t know what I’m doing — at all. (Matt, don't worry. None of us know what we're doing. Partially because everyone's different. And partially because of John Hughes movies and Sex and the City.) He continues: But, before we go looking for solutions to this problem, maybe it would be worthwhile to take a look at past generations. Why was it so easy for them anyway? Maybe it was because they had matchmakers and arranged marriages. It used to be that your parents would arrange a match for you and, unless you found your intended completely repulsive, you married them. Boom. Just like that. So Matt got me to thinking...would it be better/easier/more results-oriented for us to revert to a more antiquated system of relating, dating and mating? Then we could spend our time worrying about things other than dating and emerge from whatever bubbles of insecurity that we've been hiding in throughout our dating years...romance could be created within the context of a relationship between two people who are empirically likely to be compatible. Or would you change nothing, and maintain the agita, the slings and arrows, the misunderstood emails, misconstrued IMs and misinterpreted gestures of the dating process? Your ideas to be discussed here, please...

Good News for the Single Druse

Welcome to DruzeDate.com. (I know what you're thinking: "They don't look Drusish.") In a culture distinguished by its privacy and closely guarded traditions, Web sites like DruzeDate.com are revolutionizing the Druse dating scene. The Druse are a small and distinct religious group that broke with Islam about a thousand years ago; their communities are mainly in Lebanon, Syria and northern Israel. Because the Druse do not accept converts, a strong emphasis is placed on self-preservation through marrying within the Druse community. While DruzeDate.com is the first all-Druse dating site, there is evidence that Druse singles have been using the Internet as a dating tool for years. A quick look at the message board of the American Druze Society in Washington, DC (www.adsdchouse.com), shows personal ads being posted on the message board as early as 2000. While most of the ads list the typical requirements – apparently "nice face" and "slimness" play an equally important role in the American Druse community as in the general American one – many ads rant about the "closed-ness" of the Druse community. "Druse girls are impossible to date," wrote one frustrated user. "They expect so much and think they can be so picky. I am going to give up on them soon, and start dating white chicks!" That whole construct of men wanting women to have nice faces and be slim while complaining that it's the women who are picky? Sounds awfully familiar to me. I really wonder how many of these complaints are universal dating issues, how many are indigenous to strongly affiliated tribal cultures, and how many are 21st century societally impacted. More at Jewlicious.

Where the Pets Go

So, we all knew that there was an online dating site for everyone under the sun, with every conceivable interest. Now, pet lovers can find lovers who love pets and love to pet the pets and their pet-lovers: Pet-love sites are the latest of the breed. AnimalAttraction--"the meeting place for pet owners"--says it is reaching out to the estimated 40 million people in the United States who walk their dogs or curl up with their cats alone. Meanwhile, at SingleDogOwners.com, a site with about 400 subscribers, Bruno the Chihuahua greets singles with the site's motto: "Date me, date my dog." Not to be confused with "Date me, even though I'm a dog." Just sayin'. Hat tip: Chicago Tribune

The More You Know, JDaters Anonymous-style

A friend wrote me yesterday about a friend of hers. I'd file this under "Be Careful" and "The More You Know." And just to clarify, I'm not saying that this kind of thing only happens on JDate. It just pays to be careful. Last week a friend went on a JDate. It was a her first date with the guy. He took her to dinner and a bar. He walked her home and asked to use her bathroom. She let him up and he proceeded to brutally rape her. The DA is working on the case so I can't reveal much but I do want to warn you. His name is Devon or Devin, he's 33 and lives in Brooklyn. Apparently his profile is still up but I don't know what it is. Please be careful and don't let anyone up to your apartment if you do not know him!

April 6, Rants & Raves, 7pm (JCC of Manhattan)

For readers in the New York area: REMINDER--APRIL 6, 7pm JCC of Manhattan (Upper West Side) "J-Dating in NYC" Rants & Raves dating discussion moderated by JDaters Anonymous proprietress Esther D. Kustanowitz $10 members/$15 nonmembers (includes wine and discussion) Program description: It started with JDate and now we’ve got Jmerica, JKarma, JSoulMate and JGreat. Raise your hand if you need a break! Join a group of other 20- and 30-somethings for some ranting and raving about dating, living and loving in New York City. New York Jewish Week singles columnist, Esther D. Kustanowitz, who knows this terrain, will moderate. She is proprietress of two blogs, My Urban Kvetch and JDaters Anonymous. BYOD (bring your own dinner) and we'll provide the wine! Old Program Code: RANTS/JYOW5 Click the above link to register, or just show up at the door. Hope to see you there!

CoolSJF’s IM chat From Hell

CoolSJF (a pseudonym), a longtime reader of JDaters Anonymous, writes: I've been a non-paying member of jdate for a couple years now and a friend finally convinced me to pay for a month. Believe me, I'm regretting it.... Please see the below, very upsetting IM conversation iIhad with a jdater. I wish there were some way to have him blacklisted. Maybe I should contact Jdate?? What are your thoughts? Should I do anything or just forget about it? [J.A. note: all names have been changed. Some offensive language--and tons of offensive typos-- follows.] weirdosjm: hi coolsjf: yo weirdosjm: whats up beutiful coolsjf: not much. i wish itwere a beautiful day out like it was on monday weirdosjm: i know right coolsjf: i know we've chatted b4, but will u remind me where we met / what your profile is? weirdosjm: jdate, IMmeNow coolsjf: aha that's rigth weirdosjm: good weirdosjm: remember i liked ur smile coolsjf: indeed weirdosjm: so whats up coolsjf: just chillin'. still recuperating from the wkd weirdosjm: i c weirdosjm: so re we going to get some coffee some time? weirdosjm: hello? coolsjf: HA I KNEW IT coolsjf: sorry wrong IM weirdosjm: what? weirdosjm: so r we? weirdosjm: hello? coolsjf: well... coolsjf: the thing is... i'm sort of seeing someone right now weirdosjm: no ur not weirdosjm: y r u on jdate then coolsjf: b/c i just started seeing him weirdosjm: so it dont mean anything coolsjf: doesn't weirdosjm: so y cant we hang out coolsjf: things are pretty crazy weirdosjm: whatever weirdosjm: alot of girls tellme this nad 2 weeks later they r back on jdate coolsjf: fine. coolsjf: well #1 i am seeing someone coolsjf: #2 i am just not that interested weirdosjm: ur not seeing nay one coolsjf: but it's hard to tell someone that coolsjf: i am. weirdosjm: c not interested weirdosjm: i told u coolsjf: but it's 2 reasons weirdosjm: its ok i'll put in that category any way coolsjf: it's a guy in jersey who has come to the city multiple times to take me out. coolsjf: and i think it might be going somewhere. weirdosjm: plus i just looked at ur pic any way weirdosjm: u think? weirdosjm: ok n ever mind, ur oic says it all any way weirdosjm: pic* weirdosjm: ur probabnly a virgin any way coolsjf: so now you are resorting to insulting me? coolsjf: sheesh. weirdosjm: and not clean shaved coolsjf: like that would be a character flaw even if it were true. coolsjf: come on. weirdosjm: yup coolsjf: take rejection like a man. weirdosjm: i c u have no experince weirdosjm: u call that a rejection? weirdosjm: u really have no experince weirdosjm: no wonder ur on the site coolsjf: i am a very fun social girl with a lot of friends and no lack of interested guys. weirdosjm: thats ur problem coolsjf: read it again. coolsjf: try to comprehend. coolsjf: where did you go? YU? weirdosjm: hell no coolsjf: or a technical school that doesn't actually award bachelor degrees? weirdosjm: i am getting my licensce soon and wil make more than people with masters coolsjf: license coolsjf: but at least they can spell coolsjf: and come across as competent, intelligent and caring. weirdosjm: its a c omputer moran coolsjf: moron weirdosjm: i'm chatting with 6 people coolsjf: mazel tov weirdosjm: ;-) thanks bitch coolsjf: so let's stop talking. it's a waste of my time. weirdosjm: ur time? weirdosjm: ok cunt go weirdosjm: and some advise change t he pic on ur profile coolsjf: ADVICE coolsjf: why? 'cause i dont' wear make-up? 'cause i'm honest about what i'm like? weirdosjm: no its more than that coolsjf: don't worry. i've attracted guys who i'm interested in weirdosjm: i'm sure u have that y ur on it every day coolsjf: i'm not going to stoop to insulting you, but your profile is nothing to brag about (pictures and content) coolsjf: actually i'm not,but even if it were true, how would you know it? it would mean that YOU'RE on every day weirdosjm: u know how many emails i get everyday weirdosjm: and its STOP weirdosjm: not stoop coolsjf: no it's STOOP, you imbecile. look it up in a dictionary. weirdosjm: i am on every day the more pussy the better coolsjf: i'm not going to STOOP to insulting you. weirdosjm: u can keep goin coolsjf: stoop as in bend down, get so low and pathetic as to do something. coolsjf: that's the literal definition. the way i used it was figurative. weirdosjm: good so go teach then coolsjf: why don't you go on craig's list if all you want is action ? weirdosjm: i hope this guy see's ur on jdate everyday coolsjf: SEES weirdosjm: whats craigs list weirdosjm: ? coolsjf: oh here you go. please leave jdate forever. go to newyork.craigslist.org -- they have personals sections. it's all free. you can go to "casual encounters." it seems like it's more your speed. weirdosjm: k thanks coolsjf: oh check it. there's a website called f*ckbuddies.com. just what you need. it's for slimey losers who can't find a real relationship. weirdosjm: i dont do that stuff those people arent clean coolsjf: and you are? when were you last tested? given that you say: "i am on every day the more pussy the better" Previous message was not received by weirdosjm because of error: User weirdosjm is not available.

Momo Lifshitz Wants to Pay for Your Wedding...

...that is, if you and your intended meet on a birthright Israel trip. According to Tampabay:

When Shlomo "Momo" Lifshitz [head of Oranim, a tour provider for birthright], finds himself in front of young American Jews taking part in his educational tour of Israel, including some from the Tampa area, the plump, balding man doesn't hesitate. He welcomes them with a simple message: Marry Jewish and "make Jewish babies." And he's willing to pitch in to make it happen. "If you meet your husband or wife on this trip, I will pay for your wedding and honeymoon," he promised a group of more than 100 young adults from the United States.

Some people on the trip found it endearing, but for some participants, "the matchmaking was too much. They joked that organizers were "trying to get us pregnant on the bus." Now there's an image. Who's in? What? You can't go to Israel with birthright because you've already been there? Or you can't get away from your life for that long? Perhaps a Jewlicious conference is more your speed....you're in luck! Click the button under "Cool Ads" for more info...

A Bouncing Baby Blog

Ken Wheaton's "Nondating Life" series is often quoted here at J.A. and is truly the "Cheers" for the single daters (where everyone knows your name). Well, now he has Frasiered...that is, he has spun the series off to a new blog. Read Ken's instaclassics from the beginning of the series, and keep up with his thoughts as he adds them... And tell him Esther sent you!

I Found a Jewish Single Guy!!

But he lives in Damascus. Alas. So Sami's a little bit geographically undesirable. But it's not like he lives in Brooklyn, or anything dreadful like that...and we'd have lots in common: he comes from a family of matchmakers, I attended a workshop for matchmakers. He's the deputy head of the Jewish community, I'm the unofficial Mayor of the Jewish Friends Zone. I just finished watching the DVDs of Firefly, a space western, and his region is regularly pelted by sandstorms. The problem? He doesn't seem to know how to communicate. His instant messager is always set to "Away," so I never know when he's online, screening his IMs, or if he's just not around. Plus, there's that whole "I'm the last single Jew in the country thing" that gives off both elitism and desperation simultaneously. And that's my issue, learning to deal with that... What do you think? Can this relationship be saved? (Hat tip: Jewlicious)

How You Got Here

I'm shameless, stealing the name of this post from Superjux. But hopefully, she'll still let me sleep on her floor when I'm in California next month. People who shouldn’t be on jdate What a great idea. There should totally be a list. Maybe people who post pictures of other people in their profile (for instance, Smith from Sex and the City…I mean, duh…I know that’s not you), or someone who asks a woman’s cup size during the first IM conversation, or anyone who is “just as comfortable in a cocktail dress as I am in jeans relaxing around the house.” Anyone else you’d nominate (no names, please; just “types”) for inclusion on such a list? Frum dating stories “We met in a hotel lobby. All around us, bustling bellboys bore bags. I sipped my diet Coke with lemon, raptly listening to his account of the Siyum HaShas. And as I saw myself reflected in his glasses, I felt Hashem reveal my destiny: I was going to make Shabbes for him.” Wingwoman Always helps to have one. Unless you’re a woman, and your wingwoman is more attractive than you. Then you’re screwed. (See also, “Esther’s College Years.”) Shomer kashrut Because as all J.A. readers know, kashrut news can best be gleaned from blogs about dating. Friend zone test Which of these sentences describes you? A) You like someone. He makes you feel every way you’re supposed to feel, from the way he looks at you, to the laughs you have together. You feel the connection physically, even when he’s not touching you. But he is always dating someone else, and doesn’t seem to look at you “that way.” B) People describe you as “an awesome person,” “a good guy,” or “a cool gal.” To calculate your results, review your answers. If you picked A, you are in the Friend Zone. If you picked B, you are also in the Friend Zone. Recommended course of action: Quit the gym and eat what you want. (Might I suggest pizza, cheese fries and a regular Coke followed by a pint of Ben and Jerry's new Chocolate Therapy ice cream?) Dutch men’s fear of commitment I had no idea that Dutch men feared commitment. But it makes sense, what with the wooden shoes and all. Jdate IM free Believe me, sweetie, even when it’s free, it’s never free. You know what I mean. Married men Jdate Luckily, they’ve not found me yet. Maybe if I’m still single in ten years, I’ll be more openminded, but for now, I’m gonna have to tell the espoused to hit the internet pavement. Drunk people opening feelings One thing's certain. When drunk people open feelings, they should definitely “point away from face.”

YOUR HELP NEEDED!!

Hello, everyone...I'm putting together a plan for the next few months of my Jewish Week column, First Person Singular, and I'm asking the JDaters Anonymous community for help. If you have insights into, opinions of or reactions to the topics and activities listed below, I need your help: * Speed dating (REACTIONS NEEDED ASAP FOR THIS ONE) * Shabbat singles dinner events * Long-distance relationships * Jewish singles travel (how effective is it, are we truly ourselves when we're on vacation, why is or isn't it a good environment for meeting a soulmate) * Dating karma (whatever that means to you) * Dating your friends (transitioning from one to the other, and sometimes back again) * "The Code" between same-sex friends and how it impacts dating * Relationship Dealbreakers ...and anything else you'd care to suggest as a future topic. Thanks, and I hope to have more exciting columns and blog posts for you soon...

Just Like Mom Always Hoped...Sort of...

I just got this email. Do not ask how they got the idea I would be interested. Not that there's anything wrong with that: We'd like to tell you about a new site, www.qjew.com , the world's premier dating site for nice Jewish gays and lesbians...seeking same. Here you'll find a community of like-minded Heebs looking for someone to take home for the holidays. It's free to post a profile, send e-mails, and chat. Take a look around and see what unscrolls your Torah. And if you're not into Kosher meet, forward to a friend. Spread the word. Gossip. It's what we do! Welcome to a whole new world of Jewish geography. If only Hebrew school had been this much fun... Tribe y'all, Team qjew qjew.com Like mom always hoped for...sort of Before I issue them a citation for excessive punning, do any of my gay readers want to do a review? Hello? [tumbleweeds] [crickets]

Sex and the City Strikes Back

Just when you think it's over... A few weekends ago, I watched the final season of “Sex and the City,” with DVD extras, commentary on the last few episodes, etc. The truly preposterous alternate endings made me appreciate the “Carrie and Big Take Manhattan” scenario that the series decided to go with. I won’t ruin it for you here, in case for some reason, you’re super-stoked to discover these decoy endings for yourself. But I wouldn’t bother. You’ll just find yourself staring at the TV, saying out loud “That’s so stupid!”—trust me on this one. In the interim, there’s other SATC related writing going on out there in the blogosphere. Dawn Eden ponders the meaning of single against the backdrop of SATC, and proposes the alternate descriptor: “singular.” As the writer of a twice-monthly column called “First Person Singular” (which I named, BTW), I can’t help but relate to that sentiment. Denise (finally) watches the last episode of SATC (where HAS she been?) and is pensive, envying different aspects of each of the main characters. I read on the subway this morning that Kristin Davis and Steve Martin may be dating. I think he's brilliant, and Lord knows, I get the appeal of funny. But I'm not sure how I feel about about this. I feel like he may be a little smug for her (side effect of comedy brilliance, as I've seen), but what do I know? I wish them well... And of course, we've got SJP in those annoying GAP ads. And making deals with HBO to develop new shows. Think any of them will be about single Jewish gals living in NYC? Not likely.

"You're Great, But I Don't Want to Date You"

Nope, that isn't the latest book from the Sex and the City writers. It's just the topic of this post, inspired by two posts from two separate bloggers on the blogroll... First up is P-Life, with his nice, well-intentioned words run afoul. He found a profile of a woman who seemed great but had four kids. P-Life, having decided that he doesn't want to go from having zero to four like that, wrote her to tell her that although he wouldn't date her because of her children, he thought she had some great things in her profile and he wishes her the best of luck. Her response was cordial. Way more so than I might have been, frankly. I have no doubt that he was well-intentioned. But I can tell you that in a sea of non-response that online dating can be, a message represents hope: and getting a message that says "I think you're great but I cannot date you" is pointless and annoying, even if the intentions were pure. Moving over to one of my fave L.A. girls (see you soon, chica!), Superjux tells the tale of a JDater who contacted her to tell her how great her profile is. (Think the Usual Suspects: "And then, like that--[whoosh]--he's gone.") I have to say that it would never occur to me, unless I already knew the person, to tell someone he had a great profile if I didn't want to get to know the person behind that profile. But apparently, there are guys who do this, and do this NOT to be jerks, but just to express appreciation. My point is that on JDate, or Frumster, or any other dating service, people are online looking for love and connection. For someone to initiate contact with you to say something nice about you seems like it should be totally fine; but for people who are looking for a meaningful connection and who are discouraged by the selection, it's adding insult to injury. In essence, that person (who has been me on more than one occasion) hears "You're great, but I wouldn't date you," which can be torture. They might even hear "I appreciate you for all that you are, but forget about dating guys who appreciate you and concentrate on someone who will treat you poorly." Or "you should totally run for Mayor of the Friend Zone, because you're livin' there and you ain't never comin' out." And so I offer you this. An open letter to the guys of online dating from some of its disgruntled women: Dear Boys, We have no doubt that you meant to be kind. Your intentions were as pure as the driven snow or as the High Priest's holiday garb right before Yom Kippur. But your words didn’t help us. It made us feel, again, like the perma-residents of the Friend Zone. Telling us that we are “great girls” or that you “love” our profiles, but still don’t want to date us is a unique form of torture. Because such responses are rare, every online dating response we receive is precious. When that response turns out to be a rejection, it wounds. If you really like us, set us up with a friend. Otherwise, keep your platonic admiration to yourselves. Wishing you all luck in finding what you're looking for, especially if for some reason it's not us, because we rock something fierce. If you liked our profiles, the live show's that much better. But we guess, now, because of some unknown set of parameters that you have deemed to be dealbreakers, you'll never know. And you'll just have to live with that. Cordially, The Fabulous Single Ladies of Internet Dating

POSTS ARE A-BREWIN' AT THE CIRCLE-"J"

...in the JDaters Anonymous percolator... dating matters a-plenty, from religious rules against touching members of the opposite sex to hooking up, from the Friend Zone to sparkage, and maybe a little Sex and the City reflection here and there... In the interim, check out musical condoms. That's right. I said "musical condoms." Now, you can play it safe along with music! A scientist has come up with musical condoms that apart from being a contraceptive gives you the opportunity play you own tone that gets louder as the sex gets more vigorous. Different lovemaking positions determine what tune is played by the condom, which also works like a normal contraceptive.The rubber has tiny sensors connected to a mini electronic device that produces the sounds. "But there is no danger of being electrocuted," the Sun quoted Dr Chausovskiy as saying, who has teamed up with a manufacturer to export the condoms to Britain. They will cost about 20 per cent more than normal condoms. "But people will pay for the extra stimulation," he added. I bet they will. And this also gives the word "vibratto" a whole new meaning.

WANNA SEND FEEDBACK TO JDATE?

Don't y'all never say I don't bring you pretty things. Like this survey of JDate you can take to "help them improve their site." Be sure to tell them how much you enjoy not being able to see the pictures of the people who email you when you're not a member, or how much fun it is when random words disappear from your profile, and how much you appreciate their fine customer service skills. You're welcome.

DATING-RELATED BLOGCETERA

If you're dating online or off-, or know people who are engaged (natch) in the pursuit of the healthy, long-term relationship, you're probably like me. You've got complaints. And theories. And ideas. And frustrations. And successes. (Well, maybe fewer successes, but they’re out there.) One of the reasons I founded this blog was to provide a forum for all those opinions and experiences. The way it's worked out, a majority of the time, I feel like it’s just me pontificating. So here are a few other voices to balance this community into the approximation of a democracy. Annabel Lee, coming to you (LIVE!) from her kingdom by the sea, is wondering why she’s on JDate, given the roundup of inappropriately-aged and -intellected men who are contacting her. On Jewschool, “Ari Frumsky” writes about having attended the Orthodox Caucus about (what else?) the shidduch crisis. He notes two standouts, Alon Krausz of Jewishtypes.org (which matches people by personality type) and Isaac Galena, of bangitout.com. Krausz’s site sounds like a good idea, and I’ve written about it here before, right after I signed up months ago. Since I haven’t been matched yet, I’m going to assume that I’m just generally unmatchable (a suspicion that’s slowly being confirmed by my experience with Saw You at Sinai, but that’s another post for another time). But back to Galena, who noted that “young Jews on the Upper West Side aren't looking to be married as much as they are looking to be happy.” Honestly, I don’t always like Bangitout. But I’m in this case, I’m gonna have to go with an “Amen, my brother.” Happiness first, then marriage. Even Tevye's daughters knew that. Randomly, a friend of mine had something to say today about the personality typing as matching criteria, which I wanted to share with you: “Like all the other dating solutions out there, I think this is much of a gamble as anything else. Sometimes people with personality types that seem destined for eternal conflict wind up with happy marriages, while those with the "right" type for each other just don't click. Further proof that there is no magical solution to the inexact science of dating and match-making." What do you think?? Can a business model or science model be applied to dating? Is it all luck, or does “strategery” enter into it at all? Is there a set of rules that can be followed, or is every situation different? Do opposites attract, or is it important for people to be the same or similar in order to make a relationship work? Lots of questions. Feel free to discuss these, or add some of your own.

LINES OF THE WEEK

JDaters Anonymous readers are all levels of optimistic, intelligent and jaded. But they're also funny... And here are two examples for your amusement: First, because I read it first, is Superjux’s Conversation with her Doctor: Doctor: In the meantime, what method of birth control are you currently using? Me: Um, Jdate. Seems to be working well. And coming in second (because I read it second) is Annabel Lee (responding to one of my previous posts, about the non-Jewish guy who is considering joining JDate): Be honest, and beware of falling clichés. Indeed.

A READER ASKS...

A letter from a reader, requesting your sensitive feedback, gentle readers... D. writes: Right now, I've got a profile on match.com. In recent months, though, profiles have gone stale -- it seems like every woman there loves to laugh, loves candlelit dinners and romantic evenings by the fireplace, and wants a knight in shining armor who is as comfortable in a tux as in a pair of jeans. Sigh. Anyhow, during a conversation at a family gathering a few months ago, I mentioned my the difficulty in meeting people in the city I just moved to. My aunt and a cousin said "Have you tried JDate?" "I don't think I can, because I don't have the 'J'." You see, Dad's Jewish (Conservative, if that matters at all), and Mom is Lutheran. Dad isn't that observant and wasn't very enthusiastic about raising me as a Jew, so it was off to church, Sunday school, and confirmation classes. In the city where I grew up, the Jewish community is prominent but small, and intermarriage is common. (By the way, they've been happily married for over 40 years.) I'm a terrible Lutheran. When I do go to church, it's usually a Unitarian-Universalist congregation. My own personal spiritual beliefs lean more towards simple monotheism than Christianity with the Trinity, the Holy Ghost, and all that. I live in an area where the vast majority of the city's 80,000 Jews live. I have a Jewish last name. I'm told I look Ashkenazi. I don't have a problem with raising my children, if I have any, as Jewish. I've got half of my family begging me to meet and marry a Jewish girl. My question to the JDaters: do you see anything wrong with a half-breed shagitz on JDate? Of course, if I did have a profile there, I'd explain my background and offer fair warning that I am technically a goy boy. I've heard that there are non-Jewish women on JDate who are looking specifically for a Jewish man, but what about gentiles looking for Jewish girls? Since the Jewish dating pool here is already very large, would it be a futile attempt? My response, which you are free to agree or disagree with, follows: My personal opinion is that JDate is for men and women who identify as Jews. But the reality is that there are many non-Jewish men on JDate (I have no idea about non-Jewish women on the site, as that's not where I'm looking...) If you do join JDate, be honest about your religious background. And if you're looking to escape the cliches, you may be out of luck. They're EVERYWHERE. Readers?Anyone else care to respond?

THE BACHELORETTE

Does anyone watch the Bachelorette? Did you watch it the first time Jen was on? What did you think of the ending? I don't watch it, actually. But that doesn't stop me from having an opinion. Stop by the new My Urban Kvetch to join the discussion.

HAPPEN: NEW DATING MAGAZINE FROM MATCH.COM

Match.com has launched Happen Magazine, an online mag dealing with dating. It's apparently free this month, and next month requires a subscription to Match.com. Editor in chief Janet Siroto, in her letter from the editor, says: Happen is a new online magazine that offers a frank, funny look at dating and relationships. We call it Happen because we want to make great relationships happen…and support you through the ups, downs and hairpin turns along the way. Here's the link to the press release. Some interesting articles, including this one titled "The Weight Debate" and Daniel Radosh on the ten best and ten worst moments in dating history.

YNET LAUNCHES, INCLUDES SINGLES SITE

YNET, the online expression of Israeli newspaper Yediot Acharonot, has been all over the blogosphere since it launched. But the hat tip goes to Miriam for bringing the singles portion of the site to my attention. Right now, the singles section features such varied writers as “JDate” (apparently, the online dating site has sprouted arms and is now creating dating columns) and JTS Chancellor Ismar Schorsch. Yes, that’s right. As many of you know, I used to work at JTS. And the chancellor is a great scholar. But not who I’m going to for singles advice. Nor to understand what singles life is like in Israel. For that, YNET needs someone living the singles life. IMHO, they should get Barbara Lawrence, one of the editors of Israeli website Walla (and arguably Israel’s answer to Carrie Bradshaw), to contribute a few of her pieces, maybe in translation. If you read Hebrew and want to peruse some of her writings online, check out this article about married men who want a little something on the side; links to her other columns follow the article. They also may wish to feature an occasional guest column from Jewish singles writers in various cities with large Jewish populations, like, say, New York. It's just an idea.

WHY DON'T WE GET DRUNK AND...

...talk about our feelings. (If you thought this was another post about the outlawing of kiddush clubs at synagogues, you're on the wrong blog...go here instead.) It all started rather mildly on Jewlicious: Laya reported that she attended a wedding, and diagnosed herself with nuptial-related social anxiety disorder. She described herself as fearing commitment (which I think she'll grow into) and finding that "the open bar was particularly helpful." Comments on the post, whose primary purpose was to illustrate that at weddings she sometimes says things that end up "raising a few religious eyebrows," included Dr. Janice (soon to be the subject of a First Person Singular column--you heard it here first!) suggesting that she find "other ways to handle these feelings, other than anesthesizing them at the open bar." She adds, "Alcohol makes a great bandaid, but it isn’t the solution to the fear of commitment." This being Jewlicious, there was also a thread of discussion on whether fear of commitment is actually a blessing or a problem to be solved. (Feel free to weigh in on this as well.) And here's my two shekels. Attending weddings is no easy task for singles, even when they are commitment-minded. Alcohol can be the necessary mood enhancer* to make weddings easier for the uncoupled; plus, it has the bonus effect of chipping away at the social anxiety disorders that we all, in various sub-diagnosable measures, possess. (The sheer number of suspected, undiagnosed cases of Asperger's Syndrome in the Upper West Side singles scene would shock you, especially if there were actual statistics available instead of just a nagging feeling in the hearts of single women.) I complain a lot about the lack of social skills among Jewish men in NYC in general. But take the social lubricant away (even at events at Aish, etc), and we've got boys who won't talk to girls, who fear rejection so much that they'd rather stand alone in a corner than try to meet someone, even when they're at a singles event. It's high school dances all over again (not that YeshivaGirl ever experienced the high school dance outside of a John Hughes movie). Sure, there's binge drinking in college, and for some people, a path that leads to alcoholism. I'm not talking about that road. (And I don't mean to belittle alcoholism, which is serious stuff.) I'm talking about open bar at weddings, singles events that provide "adult beverages," karaoke bars where people say things like "I'd have to get really drunk before I get up there." Situations where you want to do something, say something, express something raw and emotional about yourself, which years of living in this culture have suppressed. A few martinis later, your inhibitions are lowered, and you're more in touch with your desires. Because you're drunk when it happens, you have plausible deniability in the morning. Often, regret follows. But at least you've got the excuse when you feel your nakedness after drinking from the tap of Knowledge and Truth: "Ohmigod, I was so drunk, I don't even remember." In college, people used intoxication to explain away behaviors, claiming that the alcohol "altered them" in some intrinsic way. But I never bought it. When I drank, I did things that were very much in my character (karaoke is just one example), but that I feared would make me the subject of ridicule or ostracization in my "waking life." I knew what I was doing in my "yeshiva girl gone wild" persona (and believe me, it wasn't even THAT wild). These were things I wanted to have done, but had missed because I hadn't had the public school experience. Sometimes (and obviously there are exceptions to this rule) I think that alcohol is like those water wings kids wear in the swimming pool, or training wheels on a bike. Most of us don't want to have to rely on alcohol forever, but while we're single, it's nice to drop some of the veils of pretense and self-defense, and be in touch with what our hearts want. We can be funny, spontaneous, reactive to the moment and situation, uninhibited by social conventions or religious restrictions. In that moment, sometimes when it's most needed, we are bungee jumping off the cliff of repression, our selves falling free, clear and pure. *Yes, I know alcohol's a depressant. But before the low, comes the high. And dancing "on Cosmos" is definitely in fulfillment of "enhancing the happiness of the groom and bride." Work with me, people.

REDEFINING "GOING DUTCH"

How to dump your woman or man, via a Dutch website. According to the CNN report, the site suggests that women tell their partners they want a baby and that men buy their girlfriend underwear that's too big. And we'll have to take their word for it, since the website's not in English. But the site's worth a visit for the homepage graphic alone...

PEOPLE WILL SAY WE'RE IN LOVE...

[Chayyei Sarah couldn't know this, but I actually wrote a poem about the "Don't"s before she posted this open letter to the men of the world...I'll dig it up and post it sometime soon. In the interim: ] Chayyei Sarah presents the case for truth in advertising in man-on-woman conversation. Married men, don those rings and talk about your wives. Taken-but-unmarried men, feel free to talk about how you saw “The Wedding Date” with your long-time girlfriend. In other words, be considerate of the single party-goer and let her know where you stand. [Not that any of MY readers need advice about this. The men of JDaters Anonymous are evolved and sensitive. Most of the time. But they have friends who may need this advice formally stated...]

TALL TALES

I just got this email. Reproduced in its entirety: eye2eye PURPOSE: eye2eye@YahooGroups.com is intended for Shomer Shabbat / Shomer Kashrut TALL singles living in New York metro area. Men above 5'10 and women above 5'7. HOW TO SUBSCRIBE: To subscribe go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/eye2eye/join or send a blank email to eye2eye-subscribe@yahoogroups.com Membership approval is required by the moderator in order to avoid abuses. SENDING AND REPLYING TO EMAIL: To send emails to the list, address them to eye2eye@yahoogroups.com Reply only to sender. EMAIL POLICY: The list is generally unmoderated, and a specific email policy is still evolving. The following are examples of emails that would GENERALLY BE APPROPRIATE: (i) events specific for tall people (ii) inquiring about someone; (ii) information about community events; (iii) meetings; (iv) requests for community action on behalf of Israel; etc. The following are examples of emails that would NEVER BE APPROPRIATE FOR ANY LIST: (i) jokes; (ii) auctions; (iii) offensive or disparaging emails; and (iv) Lashon Hara. Please sign your name in all emails. Thank you. Moderator, eye2eye And to think: I missed the "tall" category by TWO INCHES.

JDATE IS CHANGING...

I just visited JDate for the first time in two weeks--I wanted to see who had viewed me. (Which, having seen the group, is a desire I now officially negate.) And while I was there, I noticed something new! Apparently, the hordes have spoken, and "corporate" has listened, FINALLY giving JDate subscribers what they want: One-click opportunities to add JDate to your list of favorite sites and to set JDate as your homepage!! Hooray! I am so excited!! (...NOT!)

CUPID'S WRATH

Two major Israeli dating sites, JDate.com and Cupidon.com, were taken out by unusually heavy traffic and technical upgrades last night. Some Israeli singletons think it's a PR stunt that it specifically happened on February 14th. Blame it on Valentine's Day! (I always do!) Did you log on to JDate last night? I didn't. I'm free. (At least until the messages start piling up in my inbox, I get curious and I rejoin like the sucker that I am.) A little birdie told me that JDate's doing some overhaul. We'll see how much it changes. Plus c'est la meme, plus ca change.

READER REQUESTS YOUR ADVICE

A reader writes from Paris: Hi Esther! I really enjoy reading your blog and I decided to write to you as I have a problem which is not often discussed and may benefit others. I've been dating a non-Jewish Czech woman for about 6 months. Although I never put any pressure on her she has recently agreed to convert. That's good news for me as I am really attached to my Judaism. However there looms another large problem-- that of language. My mother tongue being English I would naturally speak to my future children in English. I also speak Hebrew and French fluently. My girlfriend has expressed her strong desire to speak to them in Czech. I have no reason to oppose this other than I've tried a bit of Czech and it turns out to be an extremely difficult language which for example has 7 grammatical cases (as does Latin), and it's clear to me I'll never speak it (and frankly I don't have the energy to learn it as I have been learning Spanish and Arabic over the last 5 years!). I don't want to find myself in a situation wherin I can't understand what my own kids are saying, and envision paranoia setting in as I imagine what my wife and kids are talking about. I know this problem is not a Jewish one but I imagine many people face it. I would be very grateful if you threw this topic out there as it's starting to drive me messhuga!! She's already giving up on her religion, how could I ask her to give up on her native tongue? Well, readers? Any feedback for our Parisian friend?