Sunday, June 05, 2005

Up Late

When you're up late, you say and do things you shouldn't. You contact people you'd be better off without, at least in the short term. Because the interactions, long awaited, are never what you'd expected or hoped for. They fall short. And the disappointment scrapes off any scab over the wound, and you feel it all over again. You might have thought that you were on the road to recovery. But you feel as lost as ever. And all you want to do is sleep. But you can't. Because you're still clinging to the hope that the next time will be soon, and better than it was. And now you've done it. You've brought it on yourself now. It's fresh. And man, does it hurt.


Chutzpah said...

I hear 'ya sister! The "late night email" is WORSE than the "drink & dial", because it's in writing. I did it Friday night to a guy who I'm still crushing on even though he keeps clearly telling me he just wants to be "IM Chat buddies" since he dumped me (in October) and that he doesn't believe in "gratuitous sex" and "no, I can't have his cock as a birthday present" and then sent a second "have sex with me for my birthday" invitation to a different ex 5 minutes low can I go?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for strengthening my resolve. I'm the same "Anonymous" 25 year old from the last comments section, and last night, I was all set to IM the boy/man who wanted to "hang out" and "stay in touch" but not date. I wanted to IM him, "You suck but I miss you anyway." And I already composed an e-mail to him, rotting in the draft folder, that explains that I can't be "just friends" with him NOT because I don't like him, but because I like him too much. Also, an invitation to get in touch whenever he feels mature enough to date me. The take-away message from your post is that it's not worth it. I will try to remember that. One day, I will take him off of my buddy list and maybe I'll even, at some point, erase the heartfelt unsent e-mail from the draft folder.

Thanks again! Your courageous words are very helpful!

Chutzpah said...

Another insidious thing about the "imbide & IM" (you are brilliant BTY) is that I am tempted to do it when perfectly sober, but just lacking sleep, as you mentioned. It is really pathetic to be "that crazy emailing/IMing chick".

The target of of my affections/stalking sleeps with his IM on like a nitelite next to his bed because it makes him feel like he's not sleeping alone so HE is almost always "online" whenever I am fighting an urge to tell him that I want to quit my job and move 120 miles away from my children to be with him. Thankfully I haven't typed that yet, only other really stupid things like "I still love you and I'm in love with you" or "Let me take you for caviar and give you blowjob at "Red Square". (There is this restaurant in Atlantic City called "Red Square" that is filled with ice sculptures and the bar counter-top is made of ice and they have a very extensive vodka & caviar list. The thought of him in the velvet-lined private booths there...let's just say they wouldn't need to serve the creme friche with the blinis...)

I'm constantly sending him funny things from the Net that I know he'll like. Worse, every time I "delete" him I cry until I "add" his email address and IM name back. That is the very reason my blog was born, to keep me writing but other than to HIM. I have not blogged about HIM yet, or even posted about HIM on other people's blogs other than to say that he finds me to be "too complicated" and "geographically undesirable" when he's tryng to "simplify" his life post-divorce.

Ah...that was great...all typed out and the urge has passed for now... THANKS Esther.

annabel lee said...

You are recovering, Esther, my dear. You're not moving backward. You're taking steps forward, even if the results aren't what you wanted. I'm sending you all the strength and courage I can...

Bex said...

i know what you're going through, i'm going through a similar situation myself. it's very frustrating, the way that some people dig their way to your souls and then drop away, leaving you wanting more.
nighttime is the worst. late at night you're lonely and vulnerable, craving something, someone to fill the void. and maybe they do, if only for a little while, but they leave it even emptier when the conversation ends and you're faced with yourself, your brain full of thoughts, and your empty bed. i'm sorry you're going through this right now, it's painful to keep opening the wounds, and yet we do it anyway. why are we such masochists? i hope it gets easier for you.

Needsabetterjob said...

Esther, I don't mean to be a party pooper, but you should really be working on yourself. Personal growth would give you a much better foundation. I believe you are not being realistic in your self appraisal and the appraisals of potential men. I am sure that you have turned down men in the past for various reasons that have to do w/ their looks w/ out giving them a chance, to connect w/ them.

This idea of spending most of your life on line, and drinking booze is really sad.

I believe you should be in a group that focuses on growth.
Do you want to get this type of rancid fan mail as this thread has attracted forever?

BTW, I had a good interview on Friday. The manager, he, ahem, liked me very much.
(See how similar the plights are?). BUT BUT BUT, he has other people to see. AHEM.

Esther said...

Needsabetterjob, I don't mean to be a party pooper either, but it sounds to me like you need to find another hobby besides criticizing me. I don't spend my entire life drinking alone and wallowing in cyberspace. I'm simply going through something now. The only feedback I've received that could remotely be considered rancid has been yours (although I believe your comments are well-intentioned). Everyone else has been extremely supportive.

I am sure that you have turned down men in the past for various reasons that have to do w/ their looks w/ out giving them a chance, to connect w/ them.

Then you'd be wrong. That's all I have to say right now.

Anonymous said...

wow I'm not the only person with random IM?email thing.

I'm famous for leaving "offliners." I had a very um depressing conversation with an ex who became a friend a week ago. I lost my cool and sent him an I hate you but love you messege. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him.

Things will get better. I really liked this post.


Rye said...

Esther, don't sweat it. Keep dumping as much stuff out here as you want. It is shortsighted to suggest that you resemble one of those pathetic internet whiners. Just look at the massive amounts of content you have put forth on your sights. Look at the communication you've fostered among people geographically and theologically disparate.

Look at all of this and tell me for one second that you are not entitled to mope for however long you want. Use this place as a freaking trampoline if you want.

We come here because you put stuff out there. It's not gonna be all roses, and the alternative would be a hiatus. That serves no one and only separates you from some grateful and friendly strangers.

I have every confidence that you will work this out and get back on top of the world. If it takes a week, or a month, so be it.


Dante said...

amen! follow me to yet another tail of late night mistaken woes.