Sunday, June 05, 2005
Up Late
When you're up late, you say and do things you shouldn't. You contact people you'd be better off without, at least in the short term. Because the interactions, long awaited, are never what you'd expected or hoped for. They fall short. And the disappointment scrapes off any scab over the wound, and you feel it all over again.
You might have thought that you were on the road to recovery. But you feel as lost as ever. And all you want to do is sleep. But you can't. Because you're still clinging to the hope that the next time will be soon, and better than it was. And now you've done it. You've brought it on yourself now. It's fresh. And man, does it hurt.
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7 comments:
Thanks for strengthening my resolve. I'm the same "Anonymous" 25 year old from the last comments section, and last night, I was all set to IM the boy/man who wanted to "hang out" and "stay in touch" but not date. I wanted to IM him, "You suck but I miss you anyway." And I already composed an e-mail to him, rotting in the draft folder, that explains that I can't be "just friends" with him NOT because I don't like him, but because I like him too much. Also, an invitation to get in touch whenever he feels mature enough to date me. The take-away message from your post is that it's not worth it. I will try to remember that. One day, I will take him off of my buddy list and maybe I'll even, at some point, erase the heartfelt unsent e-mail from the draft folder.
Thanks again! Your courageous words are very helpful!
You are recovering, Esther, my dear. You're not moving backward. You're taking steps forward, even if the results aren't what you wanted. I'm sending you all the strength and courage I can...
i know what you're going through, i'm going through a similar situation myself. it's very frustrating, the way that some people dig their way to your souls and then drop away, leaving you wanting more.
nighttime is the worst. late at night you're lonely and vulnerable, craving something, someone to fill the void. and maybe they do, if only for a little while, but they leave it even emptier when the conversation ends and you're faced with yourself, your brain full of thoughts, and your empty bed. i'm sorry you're going through this right now, it's painful to keep opening the wounds, and yet we do it anyway. why are we such masochists? i hope it gets easier for you.
Needsabetterjob, I don't mean to be a party pooper either, but it sounds to me like you need to find another hobby besides criticizing me. I don't spend my entire life drinking alone and wallowing in cyberspace. I'm simply going through something now. The only feedback I've received that could remotely be considered rancid has been yours (although I believe your comments are well-intentioned). Everyone else has been extremely supportive.
I am sure that you have turned down men in the past for various reasons that have to do w/ their looks w/ out giving them a chance, to connect w/ them.
Then you'd be wrong. That's all I have to say right now.
wow I'm not the only person with random IM?email thing.
I'm famous for leaving "offliners." I had a very um depressing conversation with an ex who became a friend a week ago. I lost my cool and sent him an I hate you but love you messege. It's been a week and I haven't heard from him.
Things will get better. I really liked this post.
Roz
Esther, don't sweat it. Keep dumping as much stuff out here as you want. It is shortsighted to suggest that you resemble one of those pathetic internet whiners. Just look at the massive amounts of content you have put forth on your sights. Look at the communication you've fostered among people geographically and theologically disparate.
Look at all of this and tell me for one second that you are not entitled to mope for however long you want. Use this place as a freaking trampoline if you want.
We come here because you put stuff out there. It's not gonna be all roses, and the alternative would be a hiatus. That serves no one and only separates you from some grateful and friendly strangers.
I have every confidence that you will work this out and get back on top of the world. If it takes a week, or a month, so be it.
Rye
amen! follow me to yet another tail of late night mistaken woes.
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