Sunday, May 29, 2005

The Single Gal's Survival Guide

...to disappointment: 1) Cry. It's all right to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you. OK, so it doesn't. But it still beats holding it in for years and having it surface during an NBC re-airing of Titanic. 2) Phone a friend. Important to have someone there to counter the self-deprecation and negativity that you'll undoubtedly hurl at yourself. Also important to make sure that you're not alone when you... 3) Find glass, add ice, pour Jack Daniels into glass. Consider adding Diet Coke, but you only have caffeinated and you don't want your elixir to keep you up all night. 4) Turn off all instant messengers and screen your phonecalls. Make outgoing calls to female friends only; male friends who are married are okay to call too. But do not call or otherwise communicate with single male "friends." You don't want to drink-and-dial (or imbibe-and-IM) when you're in this state of mind. This way, madness lies. 5) Go to bed earlyish, and realize that you haven't been to sleep before midnight in months. Resolve to get more sleep in the future, even as you know you're swearing oaths to yourself that you'll never keep. As you fall asleep, listen to music that contains a soothing rhythm, soaring passion, and a subtle melancholy. 6) Wake to find yourself in possession of two empty boxes of tissues, two puffy eyes and one big headache, which you decide to address by the name of Mr. Daniels. Promise yourself that yesterday's frustration will fuel today's workout, and load up the MP3 player with blisteringly popalicious Top 40 tunes mixed with old school heavy metal. 7) Go through the motions, even as you realize that there's still lots to work out, and that only time, if anything, will remove the splinters of pain and disappointment from the soft undersides of your feet. You know that every step will hurt until it doesn't. Buy insoles. Cover nascent blisters with band-aids. But do everything in your power to keep walking.

21 comments:

annabel lee said...

Oh, honey. I'm sorry.

Rye said...

Guy or girl, you've written something very tangible that lets other people know they aren't the only ones to struggle with those feelings.

I'm sorry you had to go through whatever inspired the post, but I'm glad you were able to make a positive (by sharing it) out of the experience.

Lyss said...

Men suck. I'd love to take on the guy who made you feel this way.

Good, solid advice though.

Shoshana said...

I think many of us are feeling it these days, you are NOT alone. Here's to hoping all your advice works, at least a little.

Passionate Life said...

Esther,

I have been there done that. It is really the pits to feel that way and I am sending you "feel better" vibes.

The one thing that continually strikes me is that wonderful people (like you!) who have yet to find the right one and have waited a darn long time, usually hit bottom, right before something special happens.

Take for example Noa at Jerusalem Revealed and her misery at the ending of one relationship which led to her finding her true prince. Then there was Shoshana S. from my blog who went through dating hell before she finally found her prince. Then of course there is J-Lo who was at the end of her rope when Ben came into her life (with a little help from some sweet angel ;-)

If the above are any indication, you are exhibiting all the signs of something and someone wonderful walking into your life in the very near future.

Hang in there my friend, good things are coming!!!

P-Life ;-)

Needsabetterjob said...

I think many of you are unrealistic. I have recently spent some time w/ the finest young men and women that Israel produces, in the religious Zionist sense. People who just by being around them, give you something of the love of Israel and Jews that they have. Yet I noticed something. All the wives are pretty hot. They wear long clothes, loosely fitted, head coverings. Each one is a hottie tho. The men are all thin, lean, studious but not gawky. All are super nice.
I feel that many of the women who complain, they do not tell the whole story. You all probably rejected many guys in the past, who may not have been your ideal person.
If you would be honest w/ your selves and realize that just as you rejected in the past, now it is karma. So accept the misery of being rejected, and decide that the next male that you meet, that likes you, is stable, sober, etc... You let him know that he can have you. And go and stop complaining. He may not be your ideal as you see it today. Trust in whatever you beleive in and do it.
I liken the process to a job search.

PepGiraffe said...

Hey, needsabetterjob. You liken what you say to a job search, yet you need a better job, so why should anyone listen to you? The other reason for people not to listen to you: you're not making any sense. You say:
1) Women (presumably) are unrealistic.
2) You have spent time with some great Zionists. All the women are hot and all the men are nice and not-gawky.
3) You don't think that women are telling the whole story.
4) All women reject men that may only be slightly non-ideal.
5) A woman should give herself to the next male she meets that is sober, stable and shows some interest.
6) Not being with someone is punishment by some cosmic force (or do you really think is comes from the Almighty?) for not dating every man that comes along or, perhaps, marrying the first man that isn't a drunken lunatic.
7) We should trust in what we believe in or do it.

So which part are we being unrealistic about? I'm not going to refute point by point because I don't have the time and I really think that it is obvious.

It sounds to me like you have had to handle a lot of rejection and have turned bitter and have decided that there is nothing wrong with you, but something wrong with all of the women you have been interested in. This might be true. I don't know because I don't have the whole story. The reason I don't have the whole story is that no one ever gives the whole story. It isn't possible to do so because, none of us being omniscient, we don't know half the things that affect our own lives. I can't know if that special person just lost a family member or if you just got over a meaningful relationship or if that guy over there had a terrible job review today and found out he lost his job. And even if I did know those things, there isn't anything I can do about it. The secret to a good joke is timing, but timing is important in other aspects of life as well.

Anyway, Es, what can I say? Perhaps that superman is just around the corner, perhaps not. I know I feel like giving up because it is just so tiring. However, I persevere (kind of) because all that means is not stopping. I may be standing kind of still, but I'm still here. Part of me believes that all will work out in the end, but I don't really think that. Why jinx it? In fact, why admit it?

Anonymous said...

I'm at the bottom with the rest of yall.

Roz

Gatsby said...

Seems like a good survival guide to me, guy or girl. I'd also add that after the hangover is done you go and hang out with 3 or 4 of your closest friends so they can remind you what an incredible person you are. I suppose it's implied in step 7.

Needsabetterjob said...

Pepi, I need a better job, I am not ashamed to admit it. It is my primal scream to the universe.
I am never going to be satisfied w/ a lower level position than I used to have.
I could care less if you listen to me or not Pepi.

I assert that many of the people in this are not realistic.

I for example, knew that I was not a super handsome male type. But I noticed that I could attract women by being bold, confident, aggressive. But there were certain women who wouldn't give me the time of day. I did not let this bother me for long. I am married now for quite some time, w/ children.

I would like to tell you, I told one of my single friends about one of the women in this blog scene. I told him she was hot and intelligent, and really cool and alot of fun. I am referring to Esther.
He asked for a pic, so I asked Esther for a pic. She sent me a link to this little tiny pic on her blog. I thought she should send something more prosaic. A larger nicer pic.
But she didn't want to be bothered. So I sent him the link, and nothing ever happened.

This is what goes on, people get into complaining and then drinking mindless booze.

Also otoh, dont forget we are clearly living in crazy times all over. Between Bush, and Iraq and everything is negative. Don't think it doesn't affect people. That is why you have to double your efforts.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

Ignoring Needs A Better Job for now (and forever), I must thank you for this post. I am 25 and the most serious non-relationship relationship* I've ever had just ended (2.5 months of IMs, a few phone calls, and one date--we were in different cities for most of the time). He's not interested in dating or a relationship right now, but wants to see me casually. What the fuck is up with that? I do not understand. He sucks. I told him no, and I don't want to be friends. He said "Call if you ever need anything." What the fuck, again? Why would I call you? You're the last person on earth that I'd call!

Anyway, that venting was very helpful. You fabulous, strong, super women give me courage to go on. Thank you for being so honest.

* I've been in a number of non-relationship relationships, that is, going out, flirting, hanging out, talking, sharing deep thoughts...and the boy is not interested in being a boyfriend. I am now trying to avoid non-relationship relationships, but it's hard. They seem to evolve out of...I dunno...something else. They suck. No more!

Needsabetterjob said...

Hey Anon, send me a pic i will send to my friend.

Anonymous said...

somebody mentioned your blog on "yiddishechatrooms".

great job keep it up

Chutzpah said...

This list was perfect and I'm printing it out and putting it near my computer to prevent the trigger fingers on the keyboard!

P.S. Haloscan allows you to moderate comments.

Chutzpah said...

And when you can't keep walking...kick off your shoes and DANCE! (I do a mean version of Tina Turner doing "Proud Mary" when it hurts too much too breathe."

Chutzpah said...

Esther-

Posted an iMix to go along with Suggestion #6. Hope you like it, cheesy as it may be.

Esther said...

I would like to tell you, I told one of my single friends about one of the women in this blog scene. I told him she was hot and intelligent, and really cool and alot of fun. I am referring to Esther.
He asked for a pic, so I asked Esther for a pic. She sent me a link to this little tiny pic on her blog. I thought she should send something more prosaic. A larger nicer pic. But she didn't want to be bothered. So I sent him the link, and nothing ever happened.


That is so not what happened. The pic on my blog is the same one from my JDate profile. It's the one I send to everyone. Unfortunately, hotmail deletes my sent messages automatically after 30 days, so I can't recall exactly what I said to you, but to expect me to send multiple pictures off to someone about whom I know nothing is a little strange. My pic's online and available to all, in addition to substantial info about myself and how I think. I had no information on this guy other than that he's a "great guy"--which is nice, but less than compelling. You sent him the link, and he never contacted me, and somehow this is my fault?

Plus, I'm really not sure what you mean by your use of the word "prosaic."

I'm pretty sure that none of the people who visit here regularly would ever say that I'm a complaining, raging alcoholic, but I'm sorry if my drinking bothers you, or if my mourning a loss strikes you as "unrealistic."

Needsabetterjob said...

Esther, I had suggested that you send a better pic. If you send me a better pic, I will revisit the issue w/ him.
Sorry about the booze thing, it just doesn't do anything for me.
Peace, and may our hopes all come true,
Nebster

Needsabetterjob said...

But in the end I say - if you haven't fine-tuned your people skills, if people come to you as a last resort, if people get turned off by you, if you don't really care, if you're a mean shithead - you can be the world's greatest expert, but they will show you to the door at some point. And I've seen this happen enough.

Everyone has a value in the market place - true, and every buyer also has a price - over which he will not pay. And he will not pay if he doesn't get service with an added value, he wants something more than the goods, he wants something from the heart, he wants a connection, to be touched. And you have to be coming from that place to know what I'm talking about. Everyone wants the same thing. But enough of that. If you disagree, then you disagree, and nothing I write will make a difference anyway.

In the Forum you just sit in your chair and listen. And in Dale Carnegie there is activity, but most of it is fun that has an effect in ways you can not know. And most of the people who go there are going to be very much like you anyway. In my Dale Carnegie course there were very little "successful" people, meaning people with money. One third unemployed, one third looking to do something else, the rest like me, struggling to make a better life for themselves.

I'm not saying you are staring at walls, but what else are you doing ? If you're going to therapy then that's one thing, but what else are you doing in the soft skills area ? If it's not experiential, then it's only in your head. Like anything you need to practice or workout, you can watch it on TV or read about it, but until you've experienced it in your life, it's not real and you can't benefit.

Toby said...

Don't forget the chocolate!

toby
diva marketing blog

Anonymous said...

So sorry somebody made you feel that way, but I can totally relate to this at the moment (thanks JDate). You forgot to mention hiding all the CDs that contain music that reminds you of the person and avoiding radio stations that play said music...