Dr. Janice's Site Relaunched

Friend of JDA Dr. Janice has relaunched her site. Now the celebrated Love Coach has a shiny new site, and a URL that's super-easy to remember: doctorlovecoach.com. Go visit her, sign up for her newsletter and register so you can participate in discussions on the message boards. You just might learn something! And do tell her that Esther, Queen of JDaters Anonymous, and She Who Kvetches Urbanely As Well As Jewliciously, sent you...

More Adventures in Billboard Dating...

He's 31 and still single? Whatever shall we do? We must rescue him from this horrible fate of loneliness...let's get ourselves a billboard! Stat! And we'll fill it with clever verbiage!

"I'm Lance, Let's go out!" reads the billboard on an interstate near Lindon, about 40 miles south of Salt Lake City.

Given, it's in Utah, so maybe NYC's big advertising firms are too busy to provide this guy with slogans, but still...

...So why the concern over Archibald's marital status? As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, whose members typically marry in their early 20s, the 31-year-Archibald is approaching the male-equivalent of an "old maid."

There's a male equivalent of an old maid? I love it. Finally, some equity. But how does Archie feel about the attention? Is he excited by his friends' efforts? Mortified by the publicity? Or completely and utterly the Mormon equivalent of pareve on the matter?

"I'm not overly concerned about (marriage). I'm pretty happy right now," Archibald said. "I'd like to get married, but it's not a concern."

He seems pretty "laid-back and easy-going." I bet he also likes to work hard and play hard. Maybe he should try JDate? Nah, he's "not overly concerned." In the big city, we like to call that "not overly interested in commitment." Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just sayin', like the old adage goes, if'n you're not looking to meet someone, don't put up a billboard.

Plea for Help: Liver Transplant Needed

This is not a joke. This is not a hoax. This is a real person, a 31-year-old woman from Long Island, who is engaged to be married in October, and who led a 345-city tour to raise awareness of the importance of blood donation, whose liver suddenly failed this week, and who needs a complete liver transplant (Type A or O) to survive. There are very few of us who might be able to help in finding a liver. But if you know someone who can help, contact liverforalife@yahoo.com or go to http://helpshari.typepad.com. Link to the blog, send emails to your friends, send notes of support to her friends and family (via the blog)--do whatever you can. And if nothing else, pray.

"My Big Fake Jewish Wedding"

Weddings are supposed to be about joy and harmony, but the reality is, uniting two families is a complex negotiation, a diplomatic and tenuous situation, and rife with the opportunity for drama, comedy, and if you’re lucky, a good spot at the smorgasbord. For instance, take Leah Lowenstein’s wedding to Sam Levine. Leah’s a nice Bais Yaakov girl from a religious family; Sam’s in a rock band. Sam’s mother, Dr. Roz, has a popular radio advice show, but she has an awful relationship with Sam’s father, Morty. Dr. Roz has hired her “hippie rabbi,” Conrad Singer, to perform the wedding, unbeknownst to the Lowensteins, who have employed Rabbi Perl, a more traditionally Orthodox rabbi. The dysfunction flows like Baron Herzog into the glass of hyperactive, almost too-happy bridesmaid, Gitti Sara, who’s so desperate to get married that she solicits dates from the guests. Most of them just ignore the histrionics, turning their attentions to the kosher Moroccan-style buffet. Maybe you need a Jewish wedding refresher course. Or you’re sick of attending weddings. Or you’re considering a career as an Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn-style wedding crasher. “A Match Made in Manhattan” is a chance to attend nuptials where no one cares how you behave — as long as you participate in the simcha, and play Jewish geography until you find someone you know. (Like I did.)

For more of this week's column, "My Big Fake Jewish Wedding," click here.

Putting the "Desperate" Back in "Desperately Seeking..."

[Originally posted at Jewlicious] Who doesn't love Jewish singles events? (I know, stretching the sarcasm until it transforms into a rhetorical question.) The Transom (which is apparently a section of the NY Observer) went to a Jewish singles night at the Upper West Side's Makor (Steinhardt Center of the 92nd Street Y). They interviewed Dave/Steve/Mike/Mark Jacob Manczyk (the names will change from event to event, but believe me, the issues remain the same), who spent the evening apparently either joking/flirting with the reporter or stumbling over his own words. (As you can see, sometimes it's hard to tell which...) Here's Manczyk on matchmaking:

“It’s an act of desperation, it’s unnatural. I wouldn’t want to tell my kids I met their mom through a matchmaker.” But the single-meet up scene hasn’t done the trick either, right? “Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m the one with the problem, the relationship issue. Maybe I’m the fool.” He looked up, eyes bright. “How old are you? Could you take off your glasses?” Michelle Lee, a 33-year old lawyer, is a JDate member and regular single event attendee. How has the matchmaking been going, the Transom asks. “I’m still single,” she sang. And the JDate, the singles events? “I’m still single,” she repeated.

She sang? I've attended many an event, and have never "sung" anything resembling "I'm single"--there's a karaoke event that might have seen a rendition of "I'm Too Sexy," but even that cannot be corroborated. I guess she's the one who puts the "sing" back in single.

The man she’s with, Dave Sanders, 39, is an engineer from Queens. He answers for what she’s looking for in a man. “You know, someone blond, blue eyes, likes to ski and travel,” he said. The Transom cringed as he described himself, but Ms. Lee giggled.

I'm still kind of cringing. But look, she found it entertaining enough that they're talking of margaritas for next week. So good luck to these crazy kids. Here's hoping they make it through and never have to attend any other Jewish singles events ever, me'az v'ad olam...IYH soon too by you, amen selah. Jewish Singles Events: Putting the "Desperate" Back in "Desperately Seeking..." Since Before the Common Era...

For Everyone Who Describes Themselves as "Ripped"

This just in... Adonises and Adonisettes of the world, be sure to warm up, stretching all of the major muscle groups, jog over to the computer that's mounted over your treadmill, set the incline at 8.5 and the speed at 15 mph, and log on Fitness Singles, the site for people as obsessed with fitness as you are. That's right, now you can find someone who is as in love with his or her own body as you are with yours! Finally, the person to whom you can say, "honey, do these washboard abs make me look fat?" Follow online dating registration with a rigorous circuit training workout, ending in three reps of 8-Minute Abs, and followed by a cool-down.

Singles Columnist to Hire Husband

Hey, you thought that was about me, didn't you? Well, I never. Literally. I would never seek to "hire" a husband, because I can't afford a good one, and what's the point in engaging the services of a sub-par husband? I mean, really... Palm Beach (Florida) singles columnist Angela Manfredi (who's apparently looking for her own Man Freddy, or Mikey, or Davey, or whoever) has given up on looking for love and decided to take on some help of the husband variety: someone who can take out the trash, fix things around the house, presumably open jars...you know, husband things. And she's chronicling the journey for her column in the Palm Beach Post. The term of engagement for such an indispensable "husband"? Two weeks. Payment? "To be discussed privately, but not less than $1000." (See more details and legal stuff at the "apply" section of her site.) In her own words:

Help Wanted: Unique position available for success-minded single man to help never-wed singles columnist experience the practical side of marriage for two weeks over the summer.

Responsibilities include: Rescuing me from the perils of intrusive dinner party conversation, car concerns, household handiwork and hurricane preparations. Applicants should be proficient at displaying enthusiasm and rapt attention while listening to a vivid, detailed account of my entire day.

The ideal candidate: He possesses the ability to express (in a gentle, flattering, non-verbal way) that the outfit I'm eyeing is better suited for one of Lil' Kim's back-up dancers.

What's in it for him? For better or worse, until the end of our employment contract do us part, you could consider this espousal exercise groom-ing for the real thing, a refresher course, or just a great summer job opportunity!

Angela's never been married and claims "22 years" in the dating trenches. And yet she looks like a daytime TV talk show host. Maybe she's living in the wrong city? I dunno. Anyone who wants to try on husband shoes for a few weeks? And any suggestions for stunts I should pitch to the Jewish Week for my column?

JDate's Literal Poster Girl

The glamorous showbiz lifestyle has finally got its dirty mitts on the previously innocent Annabel Lee, luring her with corporate promises of beauty, billboard prominence and tank tops. Back in June (the post is from my birthday, which I attribute to that day's intrinsic glamour and luck), the divine Miss L received an email from evil corporate bastion of internet dating JDate that her picture had caught their collective eye. They extended seductive promises:

you'll not only enjoy a fun day with fellow JDate Members and the chance to be featured in our campaigns, but you'll also receive a $200 cash bonus and digital copies of your best looking headshots. You'll have great photos for your profile and to send to family and friends! Unfortunately, we cannot provide compensation for travel arrangements or other expenses, but in addition to offering you this exciting opportunity, we'll treat you to a delicious breakfast and lunch, and of course, some glamorous socializing.

Turns out, they had her at hello. Our girl enlisted for her day of "glamourous socializing" with other unsuspecting, L.A.-area JDaters who had also been caught in their taloned claws, much like King Kong did Fay Wray/Jessica Lange/Naomi Watts. You can read about her day here.

Saying "I Love You"--Hah, Hah...

There's nothing like that moment when you and your sweetie say "I love you" for the first time. (Or so I've heard.) It can be nerve-wracking, emotional, and...funny? Renatt Brodsky, a freelance writer, is working on an upcoming Glamour story about women aged 20-35 who have comical stories about saying "I love you" for the first time. And she's asked JDaters Anonymous for our help:

We need the women to still be with the guys and have happy endings. The women can be telling about their own "I love you" misfires, or about that of the guy they are currently with. Like women who said I love you during a loud moment in a concert or movie or fireworks show then had to scream it to him, only for the noise to stop and everyone to turn around, or a guy who called his girlfriend and blurted out I love you as soon as she answered, but it ended up being the wrong number. Here's an example of one that works: "I had been dating my now-husband for a few months when I decided to tell him how I felt about him. The only problem? I was half-asleep at the time. So I roused myself semi-awake, rolled over, and said: 'I love you... Milk.' His name is Mike." - Nina Johnson, 30, Rio Rancho, New Mexico

Personally, I think that story would be funnier if his name was Milk, and she accidentally called him "Mike." If you or any female you know has a funny story to share with Glamour please email Renatt the following information by Tuesday, 10 a.m.:

1. first and last name 2. age 3. city, state 4. email and number 5. Your comical story in two paragraphs- When did you say I love you, and Why did it end up being so hysterical?

And remember to tell her you're a reader of JDaters Anonymous...

And if you meet any nice Jewish guys named "Milk," please send them my way; I'd be happy to date them just for the comedy value.

Has a Movie Inspired You To Change Your Life?

If you're from somewhere other than NJ or NY, Glamour Magazine wants to know, has a movie inspired you to change your life? Writer Renatt Brodsky's looking for a few good movie-related epiphanies:

For an upcoming Glamour story, I'm looking for women ages 20-40 (who are not from NEW JERSEY or NEW YORK), who have have had a life-epiphany based on seeing a movie. In a nutshell, I want to know how seeing a particular movie inspired you to alter your life. We already have a few options for career-changing movies. We are now looking for movie epiphanies related to * love * family relationships * something personal (ex/ weight/health; drinking; self-confidence; etc.) If this sounds like you or a woman you know please have her email me the following by tomorrow, Thursday, 7/7 by 3:30 p.m.: 1. first and last name 2. age 3. city, state 4. email and number 5. Your story- What movie inspired you to alter your life? How so?

Personally, it was Pretty Woman that inspired me to move to NYC (because LA was too far and too hot) and try my hand (and my everything else) at prostitution, but I'm from NY, so Renatt doesn't want my story. If you contact her, tell her Esther sent you!

This Week's Clips

I've been published a few times this week, on everything from my nephew to vacation, with a smattering of Jewtopia thrown in for good measure. Read, enjoy, and comment away!

The Boy Who Changed Everything

From the second I laid eyes on him, that phrase about having known and loved him before I met him suddenly made perfect sense. He’s a relative heavyweight; but I’m still way taller. He’s a new player on the stage of my life, but fits perfectly into the family I’ve always known. We’ve all literally and figuratively embraced him, even though all he does is look around at this new, exciting world, demand sustenance, and poop on us.

For more of this week's First Person Singular column, click here.

Sole Searching

Even after many of us have graduated from an academic calendar, we think of July and August as the time to escape: to leave the countless papers on our desks for innumerable, sprawling seaside sands. It is a time of sun-filled getaways, SPF 45, and bathing suit anxiety. We look forward to letting our hair down and taking our clothes off, to whatever extent we wish. We court relaxation like a soulmate, and hedonism as if it's our last night of freedom...

...Would we be able to free our City selves from the code of acceptable behavior as mandated by our tight-knit, seemingly omniscient Jewish community, and embrace the possibility of relative debauchery? It wasn't like Turks and Caicos was Vegas; there was no advertised assurance that what happened here would stay here. What if we "went wild"? Would the video proof of our adventures end up on the Internet? At shul board meetings? Would reputations be damaged? Jobs lost? And would any of us care?

The above is excerpted from "Vacation: A Spiritual Retrospective" (my "Sole Searching" spirituality column at GenerationJ.com). To read the column in its entirety, click here.

Jewtopia's becoming a book...

“Jewtopia’s” co-creators Bryan Fogel and Sam Wolfson, who also co-star in the play, were just finishing up the script for “Jewtopia: The Movie,” when a book agent saw their show and made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. “We weren’t even thinking about it,” said Wolfson. But the agent was persistent. “He hounded us … ‘I can get you a deal,’ he said. He got every publisher out and started a bidding war; it was supposed to be a small kitschy paperback, but it got so much heat that it’s going to be a hardcover [WarnerBooks won the bidding war, and the book is slated for September 2006 release].”

“Jewtopia: The Book,” Wolfson explains, will include “silly stuff from the play, but in more detail; like Jon Stewart’s ‘America: The Book,’ with graphs, charts etc., but for Jews.”

For more, see this Jewish Week article by a fairly prolific writer. Of course, most of you have already read about the book deal here. And still others of you will remember this column. No, Sam and Bryan are not paying me to promote them. (But maybe they should...)

Your scrolling bonus: three stories I posted to Jewlicious and one from My Urban Kvetch...

This Space for Rent: A woman rents out her forehead to be tattooed with the name of an online casino

Man Rents Billboard to Find a Wife: This post at My Urban Kvetch has started some interesting discussion on whether renting a billboard is or isn't an effective way to find a spouse. Come on over and participate in the conversation...

Hummus is Potentially Trayf: An argument over whether tehina used in making hummus is kosher if ground by a non-Jew.

Could Lead to Dancing: The Wednesday night Israeli dancing scene at the 92nd Street Y. (Postscript to this: a friend of mine went and said the scene was pathetic, so it's possible much of this article was spin.)

That's the egomaniacal Week in Me.

More undoubtedly to come...for which I apologize in advance.

Jewish Bloggers in the World Jewish Digest

Ever wonder how blogging changed my life? Wonder no more.

Want to hear the founders of Jewlicious and other popular Jewish blogs talk about their reasons for blogging, rendered sensitively and beautifully by Chayyei Sarah? Sate your hunger for blogformation.

Click on, my blogbrothers and blogsisters.