WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

And in today's installment of "Who are these guys and where do they come from?": In addition to the phenomenon noted by H in which everyone wants to be her friend, and on the heels of Chayyei Sarah's recap of the Singles Shabbaton from Hell (begin at this link and read up--she separates the posts by vignette), which is serialized over at least 13 parts, last I counted, we have this entry, from WritersBloc. She was ambushed with a blind date while at a party, and wackiness ensued (rendered in appalling green to indicate the single girl's queasiness when on a date with the wrong guy): The conversation veers to religion and my recent attempts at keeping kosher. “I’m just doing it to see how easy or hard it is. I’d like to try,” I explain. “Do you believe in God?” “I do. Why?” “Well, because I don’t.” “Believe in God?” “Right. You can’t prove to me that God exists. So since there’s no proof, I don’t believe in him.” “But you can’t disprove that he exists either.” “That’s not the point.” “Oh.” [beat] “Prove to me that God exists!” “What?” “Prove. To. Me. God’s existence. You believe in him, so prove to me he exists.” “You can’t prove faith,” I try “You just can’t. Faith is rooted deep inside. Your whole body just knows. It’s not about rational justifications. Faith is not rational.” “Well, I’m a very rational person so everything needs proof for me. For example, I just read two books by this Dutchman who proves that life was planted on Earth by aliens.” “Aliens? And he proves it?” “He does. After you read his two books, there will be no doubt in your mind that aliens planted life here.” ”I see.” ”You should check those books out.” ”I should.” And there is more. But I'll leave it to you to discover. And I leave you with this personal account: Esther's conversation with Blind Date Guy number 3,048, circa 1994: BDG: So what did you study in school? EDK: English. BDG: So, now you speak English. EDK: Um, yeah. But I also studied literature--fiction and poetry. I'm a writer. BDG: Oh. I always thought poetry was stupid. EDK: Well it's not. BDG: Well, I don't understand it, and I'm smart. I am a lawyer after all. EDK: I guess some people just don't get it. That's an understatement.

AL TANOODGE*

In this week's Jewish Journal, L.A. writer Jill Franklin calls for people to be sensitive to the private lives of both singles and new marrieds. But what she's really doing is calling for people to mind their own business and not impose their timelines on other people. Finally, a platform that makes sense; too bad it's fundamentally unimplementable in the Jewish community, where the culture seems to be centered on the invasion of privacy. An example from my youth: when my brothers and I got kvetchy (in those pre-blog days), my mother always used to tell us "Al Tanoodge." The Al is the negative imperative, "don't" which appears in the Ten Commandments in front of prohibitions against things like murder and adultery; tanoodge was my mother's own Hebraic/Decalogual construction of the nonexistent verb "to noodge"--the grammatical formulation indicated that it was not up for discussion: this was the Eleventh Commandment. But did we stop? No, we noodged--it's what kids do. When we became adults, we made efforts to resist this legacy of imposing your expectations on other people. As young adults in our twenties and thirties, I think my brothers and I are doing a great job of resisting the genetic predisposition. But I fully expect that when we move on to parenthood, the resistance will break down, and we'll succumb. As I've been single the longest, I fully expect to have the strongest resistance, but one day, I hope to have the opportunity to noodge my own daughter to get married. I know it will be because I want to see her happy, but I also know she won't see it that way. In the meantime, whether you're single or married, read Jill's article. And if you feel the primal urge, resist. Al Tanoodge. *To clear up any confusion, Al Tanoodge is not a town in Iraq. Just read on.

IS INTERNET DATING BUBBLE SPRINGING A LEAK?

E-Dating Bubble Springs a Leak From Sunday's New York Times: While most women interviewed complained that too many men just "window shop" online and are unwilling to consider any but the prettiest faces, Zev Guttman, 28, a mortgage banker in Monsey, N.Y., said it was men who are at a disadvantage online: it is still typically the man who has to make the first move, and it is still the woman who gets to pick and choose. As a result, he said, he either had to lie — about, say, the fact that he is divorced — or face an empty mailbox every day. "If I write that I'm divorced, I don't have a chance of hooking up," he said. "If I write that I'm single, they're not interested because they think I lied to them" once they discover the truth. "I'm just going to go back to matchmaking, or friends," he said. JDaters Anonymous readers, weigh in: Would you rule out dating someone who is divorced? If you dated someone who said that s/he had never been married and then revealed that s/he was divorced, would you break up with him/her because s/he lied? Do you think men are more superficial than women (i.e., likely to reject a woman based solely on her looks)?

A MUST-READ FOR ALL SINGLES OR SINGLES SYMPATHIZERS

So yes, that includes everyone. Run, don't walk, to see Chayyei Sarah's accounts of the singles weekend she went to over Shabbat. She discusses (in no fewer than eight parts, and there may be additional installments) step-by-step the misery of how she felt on this weekend, and brings up some difficult issues about the subjectivity of beauty and attraction. Feel her pain, and then tell her it's all going to be all right. It has to be. She's a wonderful, intelligent, attractive Jewish woman who's putting herself out there on a regular basis. If there's any justice, it will be all right. She'll find someone who will have been worth the wait. And they'll live happily ever after. If you know any frum, cool guys in Jerusalem, send them Chayyei Sarah's way, please. CS, JDaters Anonymous supports you.

THE WEEK IN ROMANCE

Of course, I have to lead with octopus love. If you'd like to meet someone but don't know how or where, the internet can help: At inked a matchmaking deal with EHarmony. Forgive my cynicism, but if you ask me, this is like MTV partnering with the Smithsonian. Friendster is for people with an attention span of three seconds; and the EHarmony questionnaire is full of questions no one can understand and takes over an hour to fill out. Sounds perfect, right? This week, the Virtual Wingman hit Yahoo News (but if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll know no one will give her a chance. Oprah’s Wednesday show (a repeat) featured the author of “He’s Just Not that Into You,” and made me determined to never waste time over boys who can’t get their acts together. Jewsweek reviews two books about sex and dating: She Comes First, and Single Jewish Female: Neither book presents a unified theory for Jewish sex. She Comes First isn't a Jewish book, but for what it is -- a guide to oral sex -- it's the better for it. SJF is unabashedly Jewish, but for all Furman's borscht-belt jokery, she makes it clear that a Jewish girl wants to marry a Jewish guy because she wants to send Jewish kids to Hebrew School -- not because she's looking for the kind of fiery action that only comes from a shared history of desert-wandering. Tis the season to be depressed and lonely? Not according to these two items from the internet: Here’s yet another Singles Season Survival Guide to avoid the purported loneliness of the Christmas season: And non-religious Jewish singles can meet their mates at “The Ball”. And finally, in Australia, a study reveals that it’s healthier to be married, and that “singles had higher levels of psychological disturbance and alcohol consumption”: I think that ties in with the lonely season article above. (We're trying, goshdarnit! Don't add pressure! Leave us the freak alone!) Wishing you all a happy holiday season!

LOVE, BEYOND CATEGORIES

Forget the copepods in tap water, wigs made in India, ordination of women or gays, or whether a person’s political slant is a little more “blue” or “red.” These days, no matter what your denomination, there’s always someone who will find your practice unacceptable. On the singles circuit, religious deal-breakers abound: from taking the elevator to your Shabbat dinner on the 24th floor to observing prohibitions against women singing in public, it often seems that there are more reasons to be combative than there are to be compatible. My newest Jewish Week singles article is online for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

BANGOR COLUMNIST ON BEING SINGLE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

The Bangor Daily News' Jessica Bloch share her experience being single for the holidays, and how to decrease the loneliness that often accompanies the season. (I personally blame New Year's Eve, which she doesn't specifically address, but I guess there's still time for that.)

HOW DO YOU WRAP A BOYFRIEND?

The Rocky Mountain News provides this feature on how to survive the loneliness of the holiday season. (See, it's a theme today.) One of the people they interview is Rachel Greenwald, the author of Find a Husband After 35 - Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. Those of you who have been paying close attention will remember her name and this title from my recap of the Washington 14 Conference in March. Although her advice isn't awful, I can't imagine following her suggestion: She advises singles to make lunch or coffee dates with six friends and ask for a gift: a blind date with someone they know. Call me crazy, but I'm not convinced that blind dates are a present. They're awkward, and seldom as fun as, say, TiVo, or health insurance. Plus, there's the whole tricky wrapping element. But despite my skepticism, I'm open. As the famous saying goes, "Never look a gift date in the mouth. Unless you're a dentist. Because then it's your job."

COULDA BEEN A PROPHET

If only The Jewish Week had printed the column I submitted this week, I could have looked like a trend-setting prophet. It was all about how people label themselves as Jews, especially within the online dating context, pointing out that some JDaters who opt to describe themselves as "Unaffiliated" are actually not even Jewish to begin with. But of course, my column was bumped due to advertising space needs and this small-town paper called the New York Times beat me to it. (Not to quibble over who's climbing on whose bandwagon here, but...) Apparently, those Jew-seeking daters are hoping to find a stereotypically nice Jewish girl or boy...and doing quite well for themselves. Don't we all wish we could say the same? The column should appear next week, when it will appear that I'm basing my article on the one that appeared in tomorrow's Times. You, gentle readers, will know the truth. (And thanks to the person who gave me the Anonymous tip on the article.)

SEMI-SWEET SIXTEEN PHOTOS

I do a lot of complaining about what men put in their JDate profiles. I'm harsh sometimes, but I don't name names, which I hope creates a learning experience for these poor gents. Equal time to the guys, now. Here's Todd with his list of 16 weird photo things women do in their JDate profiles. He points out how some of these items are indicators of red flags, like having no picture. I have to say...men do this stuff too. But Todd knows that.

ONLINE ROMANCE CRIME ON THE RISE

File this under "forewarned is forearmed." The article quotes the president of an organization called WHOA (Working to Halt Online Abuse): "We see up to 50 victims of online harassment/stalking each week," Jayne Hitchcock, president of WHOA states. "Some of these have had the unfortunate experience of meeting someone online, whether via an online dating service, chat room or personal ad, and have had a negative experience. So far, these victims (both men and women) have not had their lives taken as a result, or been physically abused, and we were able to stop the online harassment before it escalated to such a point. Putting a disclaimer on a Web site stating whether or not they provide a marital and/or criminal background check is a very simple solution and much easier than requiring every online dating service to do these checks. This then leaves a man or woman the option of joining that service, knowing what they can expect. And it could save their life." The call to action was issued by TRUE, "the only online relationship service that actively seeks to further protect the safety of its communicating members by conducting extensive criminal background screenings. "

BBC PRESENTS: "ROMANCE ACADEMY"

According to Harrow Times: Britain has the highest numbers of sexually transmitted diseases and teenage pregnancies in Europe, while Harrow has some of the highest in London. I did not know that. Britain? Really? Too much Coupling, I guess. (As if there could be too much of such a great show..."Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...") Amid this climate of promiscuity and teen sex, the BBC have commissioned a new documentary series, to be set in Harrow, encouraging youngsters to "try abstinence". First of all, they're calling it a documentary, but I'm thinking it's more like a reality show. Like "Amish in the City," but it's really "Abstinent in England." I wonder what the slogan for abstinence will be. "Relax: Don't Do It" seems very inappropriate, considering the original thematic of that Frankie Goes To Hollywood song. The series will follow a group of 15-18-year-olds to see if they can go five months without sex. Dubbed Romance Academy, the unusual show will urge the teens to practise celibacy and encourage them try old fashioned dating rituals. Let's set aside the fact that there are apparently 15-18 year-olds who are sex addicts. I don't think we had those in my high school. How does one practice celibacy? Very carefully. If you practice Judaism, you engage in Jewish rituals and customs. What are the customs of celibacy? Is abstention from an act an act itself? Old-fashioned rituals may include going to airports and hotel lobbies on your dates and attending singles dances where a wall of plants separates the men from the women. Or so I've heard.

TRENDS IN JDATE PROFILES

I suspect that this will be a recurring series, much like H's new feature, "JDate Email of the Day." Which was upgraded from "JDate Email of the Week." Which was upgraded from "JDate Email of the Month." There's just so much material there... In the past month or so on JDate, I have noticed some trends in profile contents that I'd like to share. Maybe you can help corroborate my observations, explain them, expound upon them or otherwise proffer an opinion. This is the first in this series. "I'm a very laid-back guy" /"I'm very easy-going" I don't know what it is, but all of a sudden, all guys seem to have the term "laid-back" as self-descriptors in the first sentence of their profiles. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm saying I don't get it. What qualities does the "laid-back" guy possess? That he's "casual" or "easygoing"? Is the opposite "tightly wound" (in which case "laid-back" would be a good thing) or lazy (which would be bad)? Does he mean that nothing rattles him? That his apathy or indifference is boundless? That he never has an opinion about anything? How can anyone be completely "laid-back," in an era where the current cover of New York Magazine exhorts: "TERROR: WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN HIT AGAIN?" (subtitle: "Reasons to Feel Safe...And Scared") I just keep seeing this phrase, over and over again. And it's always in the intro sentence. That actually grates on me more than anything else about the phrase...that the first thing they want you to know about them is that they're easy-going or laid-back. Which, as we've already covered, I don't find to be all that descriptive. I know. I'm a little nutso when it comes to language. I don't have to date Strunk and White. (Oh, the bad English major references.) Or William Safire, for that matter. I just believe that whoever is out there for me can make a compelling case for himself in writing. I'm even willing to relax about his spelling. But your profile is your opportunity to impress the people in your dating pool--why not take that chance? Use your words, boys.

GOTHAMIST DISCOVERS BLAIRE

Of course, if you're a JDaters Anonymous reader, we all discovered her months ago. Here's Gothamist's interview with Blaire Allison, Spinster. (Disclaimer: I maintain that 27 is not a spinster. A girl's gotta believe she's not past her prime just because she's reached an arbitrary age marker...)

NOW, THIS IS ENCOURAGING

[That was sarcasm, people.] Sometimes online dating can be...murrrrder. [Insert evil laugh here.] I know it's not funny. I just don't deal with "downer news" that well. (Yes, 2001 was a difficult year. Actually, which year hasn't been a difficult year?) Internet Romance Ends in Murder for Memphis Woman There are a number of web sites that make it easy for many people to find love on-line. That's apparently what 43 year-old Linda White, who lived in Memphis with her parents, thought she had found. However, less than a year after meeting Craig Musso on-line, and moving to upstate New York, the relationship ended with Linda White's death. "This is an unusual circumstance, this case," says Wayne County, NY Sheriff Richard Pisciotti. Police in New York say White was strangled to death by her new husband. There is no word on Musso's motive. All that is known is that the Internet brought these two people together. White and Musso met face-to-face for the first time in Memphis, after Musso caught a bus to town. That meeting followed an eight-month relationship on-line. The two were married in Memphis almost immediately. Linda White's neighbors say that was her first mistake. "You should get to know that person personally, before you marry them," says Frank Benson. Criminologist Richard Janikowski agrees, but says Craig Musso may be just another predator using a computer to capture his prey. "The Internet is used for all kinds of things, unfortunately," says Janikowski. Unfortunately for Linda White, true love may have been just a trick. Janikowski says it's a lesson for other potentially lovelorn adults. "There are all kinds of predators out there, and adults need to protect themselves, especially women," says Janikowski. I share this because knowledge is power. And we must be vigilant, pay heed to the red flags wherever they are. It's not quite the imperative to "trust no one," but certainly, we need to proceed cautiously. And gentlemen, if you're offended because women seem reluctant to get involved with you for whatever reason, just be patient, and understand where we're coming from. Of course, not every Internet contact is a potential murderer, but we have to not let our desire to connect with someone, and our yearning to have romance sweep us away, blind us to a more basic danger. File this under "For What It's Worth."

"THE MIDDOS TOUCH"

I understand where the editor was going with this title, but it's a little too gimmicky for my taste, plus I think it doesn't exactly work with the issue covered by the article. And, I put in a reference to the "meet-cute," which is a movie term for the device that gets the two leads together in romantic comedies, which was apparently changed to "meet cute people." Not exactly the same, but whatever. That said, I offer my latest Jewish Week singles column. First paragraph is below--to read the article in its entirety, click on the title below. (11/17/2004) The Middos Touch Esther D. Kustanowitz “I’m looking for a girl with good middos,” the yeshiva boys of my youth would say. The teachers beamed, proud that their students were looking for girls with strong values — family, respect, and modesty. Problem is, nine times out of 10, those boys were punning on the Hebrew word middot, which also translates as measurements — as in 36-24-36. They were looking for a woman with curves in all the right places, and none of the wrong ones. Hearing this, the girls experienced a nagging feeling, as clear as writing on a Babylonian wall, that they had been judged and had been found wanting.

ONLINE DATERS WANTED FOR DOCUMENTARY

If any of you do this, I would love to hear about your experience... I found this on a casting call notice I received from a group called Film in the City. Seeking on-line daters to participate in an independent documentary about the search for love via the internet. Initial on-camera interview will be about internet dating and his/her definition of love and what they are looking for. If the person is amenable, I would be interested in following him/her on a few dates. Cecile Bouchardeau, Producer/Director/Writer, Magic House Productions http://www.magichouseproductions.com/ Cecile@nyc.rr.com.

DATING SERVICE OR NAZI PLOT?

Now that's a game show I'd like to see. (Easy, Spike TV. Down boy.) But seriously, folks. Thanks to the folks at Jewlicious for bringing this new hoax to JA's attention. I can't say it enough, people. If it sounds too outrageous (counties hit by Florida hurricanes voted for Bush...is this divine retribution?) or too good (just forward this email to 100 of your friends and Bill Gates will give you a free computer and a trip to Disney World and a gift certificate to the GAP) to be true, it probably is. Check with your friends at Snopes, and they'll help you out. Just ask My Urban Kvetch...she knows.

CALLING ALL ASTROLOGERS...

Sometimes, on JDate, I like to see "who's online." I designate an age range and off I go, whisked away to a land of (presumably) available, (presumably) Jewish men. Per visit, I view approximately 40 pictures and opening lines, only seldom am I inspired by a smile or a sentence to click to the profile in its entirety. And here's where it gets spooky. With only one or two exceptions, all of the "who's online" profiles I have clicked on for the past three visits have been Geminis. I am also a Gemini. Last week, in a 24-hour period, I "met" via IM two different people whose birthday is the day before mine. Yet, I have never dated a Gemini. What does that mean? Amateur astrologers and non-believers alike welcome to contribute to the discussion.

SUPERFICIAL

Divorcing Bridget Jones I'm really at a loss for words. OK, so I'm not at a loss for words exactly. I guess I'm just not really wanting to dignify a Craig's List posting like this one with a diatribe about men's sometimes-piggishly superficial tendencies or a pontification on what women's attributes are prized or lionized in this community. So great to know this guy is available, though. (And FWIW, the original Craig's List post has been removed. Thanks, Craig!) Via Defamer.

"MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER..."

Thanks for singing along with me on that one. I do appreciate the harmony. Hello there, and welcome to my article about Sunday's shidduch (match) conference. Were you there? Had you been in the past? Have you ever used a matchmaker? Weigh in with your observations here.

ADVENTURES IN JDATE INSTANT MESSAGING

[As usual, the names have been changed to protect the potentially sketchy.] A 35-year-old British guy IMs me, we chat pleasantly for a few minutes. Then, this (my comments bracketed in italics): <BRITISHGUY>: what are your figures? <ME>: what do you mean? [He can't really mean what I think he means, can he?] <BRITISHGUY>: your statistics? [Statistics? You mean "9 out of 10 freelancers starve in their first year on their own"? Is he asking me my salary? He can't really mean what I think he means, can he???] <ME>: i'm still not getting you. <BRITISHGUY>: your waist size, inside leg size etc <ME>: are you for real? [Inside leg size? Just ponder that one for a while. Either he's asking for the circumference of my thigh (!!!) or he wants to know what size the muscles and viscera inside my leg are. In either case, that is literally the first time I've heard that one.] <BRITISHGUY>: why? <ME>: why would you need to know that? <BRITISHGUY>: just interested that's all. <ME>: i don't know how things work in the UK, but the only time that's an acceptable question in the US is if you are a tailor who is making me a suit. <BRITISHGUY>: hypothetically, what eould you do then if a guy you were seeing asked then <ME>: i don't know a single guy (who i would consider dating) who would ask something like that outside of a tailor context. And I don't know any women who even would have carried on this conversation after you asked. [In fact, why am I still here? Insatiable curiosity, I guess...] <BRITISHGUY>: i apologise <BRITISHGUY>: changing the topic--what do you think of bush being elected <ME>: not happy, but have no choice <BRITISHGUY>: yes you do <ME>: what? <BRITISHGUY>: nice chatting with u goodbye Moral of the story: In England, it is okay for a man to ask a woman for the circumference of her thighs and waist, even if that man is NOT a tailor or a beltmaker. However, it is not okay for a woman to express her dissatisfaction with political leadership. What a country!

NOT BRAXTON-HICKS, MYERS-BRIGGS

The former is false labor/contractions, sometimes experienced by pregnant women late in their pregnancies. The latter is apsychological typing system (MBTI-Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), which is the mechanism for the latest entry into the field of online dating, Jewish Types. Aryeh, co-founder of both this site and the extremely helpful JRant, writes: The system helps you identify your MBTI type aswell as the type you are attracted to. The system then matches you with a person that fits your attraction type but also satisfies the requirement they you happen to be also be their attraction type. I personally think that this site can be extremely revolutionary as to how people are matched up. The fact is, that even if you aren't attracted to the person the site sends you, you will nevertheless feel an instant connection and feel comfortable with the other person because not only do you inherently like their type, they inherently like yours! So whether you walk away with a true soulmate or not, you should definitely walk away making some really close friends. There is no cost to join, but if you don't know your type, it could take a half hour or so to determine what type you are, and to which type you are attracted. It took me a while to determine that I'm probably an ENFP (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling Perceiver) attracted to an ESFP (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling Perceiver). I say probably because I felt some of the choices I was given in order to determine those letters were too close to call. You'll see what I mean when you take the test. If you have feedback for Aryeh, feel free to share it with him. If you have a great experience, share it with J.A.

JA POTPOURRI

Mmmmm. J.A. Potpourri smells nice. If you’re not too busy waiting for my new interview with Stacy R. from The Apprentice to appear in the Jewish Week, you might want to check out these sites for dating-related musings, trends and topics: He's Her Lobster... Jack’s Shack does the math for you, and provides you with a topic that, if employed correctly, will drive single women crazy. Personally, I didn’t think you guys needed suggestions of who to drive single women batty. I thought it just came to you naturally. My bad. “Taking one for the team, so your buddy can live a dream…wingmaaaan!” (I do love that Budweiser commercial.) A nod to the PepGiraffe for turning me on to this article from a couple of weeks ago in the NY Times. Apparently, the print version of this article is in that monstrous pile of newspapers and magazines on the floor of my apartment. If you’ve ever thought you’d be good at matching people up in bars, you might want to sign up to be a wingwoman. $30 an hour, you’d go to bars with single men and go “What about her?” If the guy nods yes, you go and chat up the woman, and then transition to the introduction to your client. The article is here and the website is here. Of course, if you prefer your winging to be wirtual—umm, virtual, try the Arriviste Press Virtual Wingman. Bex the Rockstar—A Closet Romantic? I couldn’t believe it either. But my controversial ex-camper’s now backlashing against the Sex and the City approach to New York dating, and has launched a mission to return to those misty, black-and-white days of “highballs and witty discourse.” A Love that Would Look and Sound Like a Movie Blaire Brings an Apple to the Teacher Blaire, of MarryBlaire.com fame, is dating a teacher. They've been together four weeks, which is longer than most of the relationships I've had. So, more power to her. Love Coach JDaters Anonymous reader Janice Bennett, a nationally consulted expert on relationships and the Love Coach for JMatch.com, sends out a regular newsletter with resources, book reviews and announcements of online classes she’s running. Among other things, her site features a blog, and a book review of "He's Just Not That Into You" here. Want more? As we used to say back in the day, tough noogies. Ya gotta wait.

AN "ANSWER"

And the word "answer" is in quotes because I'm not sure this response constitutes an answer. JDate responded to my query. Dear Member, All profiles are active until a member decides to remove his or her profile from the site. As a member, you have the option to sort your search preferences by: New Members, Most Active, and Most Popular. If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us any time at our toll free number: 1-877-453-3861. You can also reach us at: 1-323-836-3000. JDate.com Customer Care I posted a longer version of my letter to them yesterday, but then had to send this shorter version to JDate, because they only allow 500 characters of feedback. You sent me, among my matches, a guy WHO HASN'T LOGGED INTO JDATE SINCE NOVEMBER OF 2002. Why send out a profile of a member who is not active? Are all the profiles that were ever put up still floating out there unless their owners specifically delete them? When you claim over 500,000 members, does that include all the people who have ever registered, most of whom may not log in regularly? Even if they do, they may not be paying members and therefore unable to view messages anyway? What do you think, my readers? Is this an acceptable response to the question I sent them?

LETTER TO JDATE

I just sent this letter to JDate. Well, an abbreviated form of the letter, anyway. They only allow 500 characters of feedback. So I had to be terser. I hate terse. So here's my "director's cut," with a paragraph of "extra footage." Enjoy... Dear JDate, You sent me matches. Never mind that most of the time these matches are people I already know and who are definitively NOT my matches. I understand that the nature of search engine-generated emails results in a personalized email that's not really personalized. This time, you sent me a terrific guy! Cute, sounded smart from his profile (which is harder to find than it should be), and WHO HASN’T LOGGED INTO JDATE SINCE NOVEMBER OF 2002. Suffice it to say, he’s probably not expecting to hear from me. He could be married with a kid and a half by now. Why send out a profile of a member who is decidedly not active? It's false advertising. Isn't there a certain time (say, two years) after which profiles need to be renewed or lost? Or are all the profiles that were ever put up still floating out there unless their owners specifically delete them? When you claim over 500,000 members, does that include all the people who have ever registered, most of whom may not log in regularly, or even if they do, may not be paying members and therefore unable to view messages anyway?

ONLINE DATERS ANONYMOUS

Me: "Hi, my name is Esther." Everyone else: "Hi, Esther." Me: "And I'm addicted to joining internet dating sites." OK, so I'm not addicted yet, but my rejoining of JDate this weekend (and a hot tip from P-Life) led me to check out Frumster, the "Orthodox" Jewish dating site. I even put up a profile, but so far, the profile I'm most impressed with is mine. It sounds conceited, I know. I didn't think finding an interesting profile that communicates something about a person was that difficult, but apparently I have very high standards. I'm compiling new items for my next list of "internet profile comments that irk me." For instance, someone who describes himself as a "gourmand," when he clearly meant "gourmet." Add to this the regular list of internet dating cliches, like "I love to laugh," and I'm hating this whole process anew. Still, I'm trying to be "out there," and open-minded. Even with the new category ("Traditional and growing"), I suspect most of the people on Frumster are too religious for me. Meantime, on JDate this week, a man who seemed very interesting and interested suddenly suspended his pursuit when he learned I wouldn't meet him for coffee on a Saturday afternoon--he's not even observing "the big holidays" these days, he said. Where's the middle ground?

MORE JEWISH MOTHERS GONE WILD

Well, this isn't exactly "wild" (at least not in the sense that some Googlers may have been hoping), but it does show you how much P-Life's mother cares about his happiness. He recognizes in the post that, even if his approach to life's a little different than his mother's, that his mother's love is wonderful and meaningful, and that he's grateful for her efforts. Aww. It's often hard to integrate our parents into the informational loop when it comes to our dating lives. Especially in the early stages of relationships, where we ourselves are reluctant to get too excited about someone (and thereby incurring the infamous "jinx") we don't want to indicate to our parents that there's a hope only to dash it a few dates, or weeks, later. God knows, it's hard enough to admit it to ourselves. We love our parents, and know their intentions are good. But sometimes their concern for us feels like an added source of pressure that we just don't need. When my parents ask after my social life, I try to let them know that I haven't given up, that I'm putting myself out there, and that my social circles are expanding. It's all I can do, and I have to hope that they'll understand that. I think they do. But that doesn't mean they stop asking...

JEWISH MOTHERS GONE WILD

This is an article from an issue of New York magazine from this summer. It’s the story of a mother who impersonated her daughter on JDate to try to get said daughter dates with nice Jewish boys. The mother’s name is Joyce, and her daughter is 24 years old: Joyce paid $28.50 for a one-month membership and started scoping out potential dates -- "I was looking for a doctor." The only time she felt weird was when someone asked about her interests, and she thought, How would a 24-year-old respond to that? Then she printed out and ranked some promising profiles, and gave them to her daughter, who'd been away on vacation. The response: "She started crying that I ruined her life," says Joyce. "It was over-the-top, scary." Joyce's daughter (who refuses to give any name at all) rolls her big brown eyes and says, "You're lucky I didn't sue you." Have I mentioned that I’m more grateful for my mother every day?

O THE HUMANITY!

I sensed it was coming, felt it in my joints like a coming storm. I know JDate's bad for me, but I decided to give him one more chance. I even paid his way back into my life. Why? Because of a tricky little hope that flickers within me, threatening to extinguish itself. Rather than smother the smallness of that entity bigger than an ember and less sturdy than a flame, I decided once more to nurture it, to really give it a go. Even after becoming violently ill after viewing one of the profiles, I decided to give it one more chance. It's an experiment of site and self, and if nothing else, fodder for my creativity. But primarily, I'm hoping for a couple of dates with guys who have a social clue and a sense of humor, and who aren't completely averse to Jewish practice in some form (I know it's JDate, but you'd be surprised). So you see, hope springs eternal. Or for at least another month.

"WELCOME TO JEWTOPIA"

Overheard at the box office when I was waiting to interview the writer-actors of Jewtopia... "Is this play still going to be funny if you're not Jewish?" I couldn't hear the answer. I assume they said yes. I think it's hard to say absolutely, but I think most New York area people, Jewish or non-, will find humor in this play's words, situations and performances...of course, there were a few people who didn't find anything redeeming about it at all, and the writer-actors addressed that in our interview. Anyway, my new article about Sam and Bryan and their opus Judaicus, is now available online: "Welcome to Jewtopia."

P-LIFE GOES SHADCHAN

Forget the disappointments you might have had with Saw You at Sinai, JDate, Frumster or any other attempt at online matchmaking. JDaters Anonymous regular Passionate Life has taken on the job of shadchan (matchmaker), and has posted his list of shidduchim (matches) for some of his favorite bloggers. He matches my other blog, My Urban Kvetch, with His Suburban Kvell, a yet-unwritten blog: "Esther meets her match; story to follow in Jdaters Revealed!" P-Life says. Well, maybe. Forgive an SJF's cynicism. I like my City life. I'm hoping for "Our Urban Kvell" instead. My favorite one: P-Life matches my sometimes arch-blognemesis, JDate.com, with Adate.com: "The place for those so fed up, anyone with a pulse will do!" I think we all hear that. And I'd like to further suggest that for Annabel Lee, we find The Raven. Then she shall be single Nevermore.

IT FINALLY HAPPENED...

I knew it was only a matter of time. And now it's happened. I got an instant message from a JDatenik who literally made me sick. I thought I was going to vomit--that's how bad his picture was. He looked like an axe murderer/pedophile, and his profile was bizarre and creepy. His screen name? Oh, you know my house rules here...I don't name names. Even the bizarre and creepy deserve not to be the targets of slander. One woman's garbage is another's...never mind. But the point is that he had a screen name akin to "Your Meant to Be"...and I had to select "Ignore Your Meant To Be," which seemed so wrong on every level. I read the profile again just to be sure. I was sure. I tried to get my stomach to settle down, but my system couldn't recover from this one. I'm still nauseous. And the kicker? I'm still thinking of rejoining JDate. Why? Because the curiosity is killing me. I have 18 new messages. Given, most of them are probably either a) missed IMs, b) from female friends or c) from the creepy people who have added me to their favorites list and wrote me an email even though my profile tells them I'm not a member and can't read them. But hope remaining the thing with feathers, I may just cough up the dough for another month. Just to see if this abusive relationship's any better the third time around. And if it's not, I'm out of there. Probably.

DANCES WITH TORAHS

From The Jewish Week, October 6, 2004 DANCES WITH TORAHS by Esther D. Kustanowitz After the seriousness of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and Sukkot’s put-all-the-food-on-a-tray-and-take-it-outside-to-a-hut balancing act, Simchat Torah, with its spirited dancing and unabashed celebration, is a welcome cap to autumn’s Jewish holiday season. On the Upper West Side, where Jewish singles look for each other at every available opportunity, Simchat Torah also is a holiday of hope. Aside from the seemingly endless number of synagogue services, there is an equal, if not greater, number of food-and drink-related opportunities for determined minglers. Indigenous Upper West Siders know that someone’s always having an open house luncheon where there’s so much food that two (or six) more guests don’t make a significant difference, and there’s always a shul kiddush that can slake your thirst for both whiskey- and wit-soaked conversation. Then there are the apartment parties, in high-rises and brownstones and everywhere in between, where three roommates buy equal parts vodka and babka, invite everyone they know, add ice and shake vigorously: the result is a nice, frosty glass of Jewish Geography, straight up with a twist of Torah. Back in the day, West End Avenue was the undisputed apex of the Simchat Torah scene. Hundreds of people from West Side synagogues of all denominations gathered on an officially closed-off stretch of street, organizing joyful jigs with fellow Jews. From the sea of horas, emerged the hordes of the Jewish and single, who formed phalanxes and marched up and down the street, ducking people from their past and looking for people who could become part of their future. Between my yeshiva days and my summers at Camp Ramah, I seemed to know, or be one degree away from knowing, every street-striding member of the tribe. I declared my apartment an official stop for friends and friends-of-friends, inviting them for a sip of schnapps or morsel of cake either before or after their West End Experience. Over the years, hundreds of people have flowed in and out of my apartment. For that one night, the bar was open, and there was food on the table: crudités for the weight-conscious, chocolate chip meringues for the sweet-toothed, and chips for the Corona-drinkers. But post-9/11, things got a little complicated for West End Avenue. In a year when revelry already seemed inappropriate, the prospect of Jews frolicking in the streets also became a substantial security issue. There were murmurings that tenants in buildings along the parade route had also complained about the noise. The dancing and mingling continued, but commemorations were localized and more subdued. Now three years later, the monstrous street-centered celebration has not resumed, and single Jews looking to maximize their exposure to other MOTs will have to wait for May’s Salute to Israel Parade. West End scene or no West End scene, the essence of the holiday retains its resonance. To begin the Torah again for the umpteenth time does not necessarily mean it’s the same old story; a fresh look at the familiar texts provides new opportunities to see ourselves in biblical characters, conversations, situations and relationships. It has been said that the definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. By making small changes, to our behavior, to the way we speak, to the way we look for friends and lovers, we can help to ward off the insanity that singles sometimes feel is inevitable. An annual commitment to the ongoing process of self-assessment and self-improvement teaches us that we can modify our behavior, and that altered behavior can lead to changed outcomes. As we finish a year’s reading of the Torah, together we proclaim, “chazak, chazak, v’nitchazek.” Strictly speaking, the phrase means “strong, strong, and we will be strengthened.” But I find a looser translation to be more meaningful: “we are strong, let us be strong, and let us strengthen ourselves and each other.” The message is an affirmation, a prayer and an invitation, and reminds us of our recent recommitment to our neighbors and to ourselves. We are strong. We pray that we will remain strong. With the help of our community, our strength will continue. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are about introspection, rooting out our weaknesses and areas for improvement, and committing to meaningful change. But on Simchat Torah, we put our Jewish New Year’s resolutions into effect. Hundreds of people have wandered through my door on Simchat Torah; thus far (unless a CIA-level conspiracy is keeping his identity a secret so that these columns can continue), none of them has been my bashert. But keeping the doors open, both literally and figuratively, signifies a willingness to believe that plumbing the depths of the familiar may yield the strength and deeper meaning we seek. For some of us, open doors might even lead to dancing. With Torahs, of course. Esther D. Kustanowitz, a freelance writer, is a twelve-year veteran of the Upper West Side Simchat Torah experience. She can be reached at jdatersanonymous@hotmail.com.

THE "ART" OF ONLINE DATING

No, I'm not back on JDate yet. But since I have 18 messages from unknown parties, curiosity will probably win over economic pragmatism in the next few days. This post is about a new online dating "game," EssenceDating.com invented by artist Theo Kisch (madd props to me for resisting puns relating to the similarity between "Kisch" and "Kiss" and "Knish"). His games ($4.95 each) involve between 2 and 10 players (split evenly between the sexes), and basically players talk to players of the opposite sex for 15 minutes about one of 12 paintings on the site. At the end of the game, players trade e-mail addresses with any two singles that piqued their interest. From The Jewish Week: Kisch said the idea is to use the painting to talk to each other, so all the conversation revolves around it. “You learn details that you wouldn’t necessarily learn otherwise,” he said, “ and those details help you to see the other person in a deep way.” This opens up interesting possibilities. Perhaps I could assemble groups of people online to talk about my work, the nuances and annoyances, the good, the bad, and the gorgeous. Or maybe that's too self-indulgent. But if it brings people together... Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm realizing that the JCC of Manhattan already approached me to do a mixer program based on topics of interest to Jewish singles...so I'm already in the business of mixing singles and self-promotion...stay tuned for details on that event.

I NEED YOU: JEWTOPIA

If you've seen Jewtopia (either in L.A. or in its new run in New York), I need your opinion for an article I'm writing about the show, which I'm seeing tonight. Please send your comments to: myurbankvetch@hotmail.com. Many thanks!

INTERVIEW WITH AMY SOHN

“New York women are way too hard on men,” author Amy Sohn says as we sip coffee at a caffeine stop on Smith Street in Brooklyn. “We’re too picky,” she continues. “As we get older, we begin mocking every guy. Women engage in checklist dating, looking for a man who will line up on every issue, whereas men just want women to be very attractive.” I’ve come “all the way” to an “outer borough” to interview Amy about her new book, My Old Man (available now in bookstores and online). Although the café itself is on a main drag, we both agree that its post-modern décor seems to indicate that after the sun goes down, the java makes way for more sultry and nocturnal beverages. And maybe strippers, which is kind of appropriate, given the title of Amy’s New York magazine column, Naked City. During the course of our discussion, Amy reveals that she’s gotten many letters from men and women about her column in New York and her previous column, Female Trouble, which ran in the New York Press and was the experiential basis for her first novel, Run Catch Kiss. During the dating process, she says, a lot of frustration builds for both men and women; but while men develop resentment toward the women, women, who are equally frustrated romantically, tend to turn that resentment inward and feel sad. Amy Sohn would be one of the first to admit that it is precisely this frustrating dance of dating and sex that has paid her rent ever since Female Trouble. Amy’s current column allows her to continue to plumb the very nature of human sexuality and create a context for the trends that shape the real life of sex in this city. Her first novel was wildly successful, garnering praise from the New York Times, among others. Perhaps because of the pressure that success engenders for first-time novelists, it took Amy three-and-a-half years to write My Old Man. On one level, the book’s about a rabbinical school dropout, Rachel Block, who becomes a bartender in Brooklyn’s Cobble Hill neighborhood and takes a romantic interest in Hank Powell, a misanthropic older filmmaker. The two spar verbally in a rapport that’s somewhere between banter and abuse, between sex and existentialism. (OK, I’ll say it: Sexistentialism.) Their relationship is as complicated and problematic as the one between Rachel and her Judaism. Jewish themes and references pepper the narrative and impact the protagonist’s outer and inner world, reflecting the intensity of her feelings about Judaism. Rachel’s distrust of institutional Judaism comes after an emotional trauma during an intense pastoral counseling session with a patient at Sloan-Kettering, in which she seems to say all the wrong things. Her inability to bring comfort to a man in dire life-and-death straits weighs on her so heavily that she is derailed from her professional rabbinical track and takes a job at a local tavern, where she advises imbibers from behind an oaken bar. One of the guys who walks into her bar invites her to a party, where she meets the curmudgeonly Powell. In my favorite jacket quote, Gary Shteyngart, author of the acclaimed The Russian Debutante’s Handbook, said that in this book, Amy “gets to the bottom of sex at its most appalling and arousing. This smart, funny work is recommended for anyone with a set of genitals and a brain.” And though, presumably, most parents possess both brains and genitals, most children of said parents don’t like to think about that too much. Rachel Block is no different—she doesn’t think of her parents as sexual beings, until she is confronted, most uncomfortably, with the flaws in her parents’ marriage. As that relationship hits the skids, Rachel begins to become more enmeshed with her lover, a relationship that occasionally results in sexual cruelty that both frightens and excites the former rabbinical student. Even the title indicates that as central as Rachel’s involvement in a May-December romance is to the book, the protagonist’s relationship with her parents, especially with her father, is also of considerable importance to both the author and her fictional creation. Although My Old Man isn’t the kind of Jewish literature you’d recommend to your mother or grandmother, The Jewish Book Council has seized on the elements that are inextricably Jewish and at the end of October is sending Amy on a tour of JCCs and Jewish book fairs all over the country (see www.amysohn.com for details). “I’m very curious to see the demographic of the audience,” she muses. “Because the protagonist takes a negative view of institutional Judaism, I’m curious to see if they’re going to be offended. A few of them have expressed concern about the subject matter of my presentation,” she explains, but notes that she always considers the demographics of her audience when selecting sections for her readings. I ask Amy what it’s like to write such explicit material knowing that her parents will read everything. “It’s a constant struggle,” she admits. “Sometimes I wish it were written in a kind of invisible ink, so everyone could read it except my parents. But you can’t select your audience. And you can’t seek out your parents’ approval in everything and still make your own decisions.” Now that she’s been married for nearly a year to a man she met through a mutual friend (“not a setup,” she clarifies) she’s really making her own decisions. Thrilled with her marriage, she still cautions the single to appreciate the finer points of being unattached. “When you’re single, you take your independence and autonomy for granted.” She also notes that in her mid-twenties, she went through an “extended period of adolescence” in the eyes of her parents. "Many kids who grew up in New York choose to stay near their parents, in a neighborhood they have affection for,” Amy says, explaining that this was the case with her, as well as with her character. “When they’re feeling beaten up by the world, it can be very nurturing to ‘date’ your parents. But then it’s harder to make the separation when you want privacy.” Amy’s scheduled to appear at Book Soup in Los Angeles on October 12, and Books Inc. (Chestnut) in San Francisco on October 13 before beginning her tour of Jewish book fairs. (Locations and times subject to change, so be sure to check Amy’s website for the latest information.) She continues to write her column for New York, and after the promotional tour is over, there are several other projects on her agenda: she’s working on a screenplay and has two books she’d like to option for film. TV, in some form, is also in the plan. (She had previously co-created, written and starred in the animated series Avenue Amy, which was produced by Curious Pictures and aired on Oxygen for two seasons.) At her recent reading at Barnes and Noble Astor Place in Manhattan, Amy proclaimed, "Being a writer is like a fusion of being a rabbi and an actress." And I think she’s right. Writing has a spirituality all its own. Add a healthy sprinkling of dramatic pathos and effective presentation, and you’ve got a pulpit rabbinate of literary sorts. As writer, you educate the human spirit through words, sometimes sparingly, sometimes in abundance, always rendered through emotion and reflecting a resonant truth.

BRUTALLY HONEST PERSONALS

From Esquire Magazine, via Funnya: These brutally honest personal ads remind me of a combination of Liar, Liar (The Jim Carrey movie that was just playing at the gym) and MAD-TV's brutal and hilarious Lowered Expectations dating service. The mission statement: The singles below are real people with real issues. Some are overweight. Others are crippled by debt. Quite a few live with their parents. But they all have one thing in common: They are available. And they've put themselves out there with the hope of finding someone willing to accept them at face value. So, please, scan their profiles. You may not get exactly what you want, but at least you know exactly what you're getting.

WAY TOO PERSONAL

Also through NoBlog (Lyss), I wanted to share the following site, Way Too Personal. With categories like "Just Plain Ick," "Wha Dah Fuh" and "Yawn," there's bound to be something on this site any online dater can relate to. Plus dating advice forums. What I don't see on the site are any responses/reactions/experiences/complaints by men about women's profiles and conduct online. Maybe it's there and I don't see it. But food for thought for all of my male readers. (Yes, all three of you.)

MORE ONLINE DATING WOES...

Check out NoBlog for an online dating story that we can all relate to. Why do I approve? Her observations are spot on, and she has changed the relevant names and details to protect the innocent. Or not-so-innocent. But to avoid slander, in any case.

POSING A QUESTION

In the comments section on a previous post, Bronco Buddha asked: If we are all focused on how to "deal with" Singles and the "Singles issue" are we exacerbating the problem? To me, it's a little like large companies who have seminars for executives on "Women in the Workplace" and "Diversity". If you are singling out a specific group, and clarifying that you should treat them with respect and the same way you treat other people that are not part of that group, then by definition, aren't you treating them differently? Is identifying a Singles Crisis and telling people how to act (or not act) on dates making things less natural and more stilted? Well, readers? What are your thoughts?

BEST JEWISH DATING SCENE

I'm not sure I agree with this assessment, done by the New York Post, but congrats to Hadar for winning the coveted title.

VOICING A SINGLE ISSUE

Here's a link to a special supplement that was written and placed by the Orthodox Caucus in last week's issue of The Jewish Week.* I admit, I thought it was going to be "one of those supplements," the ones that are propaganda veiled as a plea for funding. But it's not. It actually accurately portrays many of the issue facing Jewish singles of any level of observance. Of particular interest to me were all the "Anonymous" entries, where "real singles" wrote in about how being single and Orthodox makes them feel. See also Michele Herenstein's piece on going home for the Jewish holidays...she basically describes what will be my situation later this week as I go home for Sukkot (my brothers are both married, also). And Sylvia Barack Fishman's piece on "Dating a Commodity," in which she says that the "widespread habit of evaluating single men and women with an accountant's eye as marital merchandise is both demoralizing and dehumanizing..." There's more. Definitely worth a read. Check it out. And feel free to discuss it here. Or amongst yourselves. No big whoop. *Save your indignation: I'm not in it because I'm not, strictly speaking, Orthodox.

A FUNNY APPROACH TO YK

...that I didn't even have to write. Here's Carin Davis in the Jewish Journal: "Teshuvah for Two." In case you haven't gotten over to My Urban Kvetch for this one yet, you also may want to check out my confessional reading for daters, "Courting Forgiveness." I hope everyone had a meaningful fast, and that this year continues to be one of personal satisfaction, health and happiness.

SUPPORT OUR SISTERS

I know I've been linking to Chayyei Sarah a lot lately. But what can I say, this Jerusalem babe's got good stuff. Firstly, a correction to the Saw You at Sinai post appears here; if you read my original post on this, please read this update. She makes several important clarifications to her original post, and has asked that those of us who had quoted this post also post a link to the correction. (Check.) Also via Sarah, there's this appalling story. I'm giving you the link not to spread malicious gossip about the person who betrayed the writer, but so that you can all send the heartbroken writer lots of love and encouragement. It's been said that when someone is ill, every visitor takes away one-sixtieth of their sickness. In this case, her affliction is emotional, but I think the more encouragement and love we send her, the easier she'll find the whole process of moving on. So let's use the internet for non-nefarious purposes, to bring our unknown new friend comfort during a difficult time.

GOSSIP AND DATING

Gossip's wrong, right? Especially in the weeks preceding Yom Kippur. But can't we just gossip a little, during the dating process? Isn't it sometimes helpful for us to talk to our friends, and work through our feelings about the endless parade of unsuitable dates? For an analysis of the issues, see my latest Jewish Week singles column, "Talking Trash." As always, I welcome your feedback!

A PREQUEL TO MARRYBLAIRE.COM

You've heard me talk about Marry Blaire (who's apparently going to be on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360 on Monday 9/20 at 7 pm). Thanks to Petitchou, I've also found Marry Theresa, whose site appears to predate Blaire's by several years. I wish these ladies loads of luck. But every time I see their sites, I'm reminded of how "not me" they are. I'm even having intellectual problems with the online dating modality--I'm certainly not opening myself up to random proposals from men across the United States. I guess that, to a certain extent, my writing on this site and My Urban Kvetch does make me vulnerable to criticism and proposals of both the wanted and unwanted variety. Maybe I'm more comfortable opening up my inner world of writing and thought as opposed to my outer world of photographs and lists of "romantic must-haves." Although I don't think online dating has a stigma in the sense that it used to have, I still think that the JDate format, where someone sees my profile and makes a snap judgement about my dateability based on photo (hopefully also taking into account a few of the words I've penned about myself, as well), is not my ideal. I'm on JDate (even if I'm an unpaid member right now), but I still want to meet someone in the "normal" ways, through friends, in the humor section at Barnes and Noble, at parties, at synagogue services. I want the chemistry between us to be palpably physical, but also deeper and more emotional. I'm still looking for that undefinable something, as opposed to the checklist of options that help JDaters narrow down their search. But that's just me.

REFLECTIONS

Thanks for visiting JDaters Anonymous. I'll be taking a Rosh Hashanah break through Saturday night, September 18. See you back here then...in the interim, feel free to peruse past posts, and check out my latest post at My Urban Kvetch. Shanah tovah u'metukah. Wishing you all a happy and sweet new year.

HEY, SISTER--SOUL SISTER, GO SISTER...

There are tons of blogs out there. These are a few of my favorites which are penned (keyed?) by women in their twenties and thirties who are looking for love and finding it both humorous and exasperating: Chayyei Sarah Chayyei Sarah reports that she ran into an old college friend who now is one of the shadchans (matchmakers) at Saw You at Sinai: She said "You have to understand, in all of Israel, there are over 300 women signed up for the service [she may have said closer to 400, but I don't remember] and only 30 men."I said "You mean to tell me that in the entire country, there are 30 men signed up, and more than 10 times that number of women?"She said "Yes. And when you factor in that those 30 men are in different age ranges and different hashkafot [religious perspectives/approaches], the chances of any one woman having a man on the site who is remotely for her dims considerably." This reminds me of that quote from Sleepless in Seattle (prepare for pre-9/11 reference to terrorism...apologies if anyone's offended...) where someone notes that it's more likely for a woman over 30 to be killed in a terrorist attack than it is for her to get married. When Meg Ryan and Rosie O'Donnell are discussing it, they decide that it doesn't matter if it is true. Because whether or not it is true, it feels true. 30 men. 300 women. At this rate, Israel could override the Rabbenu Gershom decree outlawing polygamy in Judaism. Boys...not liking your odds in NY? Try Israel. Of course, if you do, that even further decreases the men-to-women ratio for we NYC chicks. As if it doesn't feel low enough already... SuperJux H. lives and loves L.A... from SpeedDatingGuy to JDate, from those guys who are "hit by the bus" (you ladies understand) to major surgery, she blogs all. Gonna meet her soon..can't wait. This Fish This Fish needs a book contract. But don't we all. In a Kingdom By the Sea The lovely and sensitive Annabel Lee shares her thoughts on B#1, B#2 and others, as she navigates the singles jungle. Ari Goes Down Ari hearts Bush. But I read her anyway. I'm all apolitical and stuff. Plus, she's supercool, has a unique approach to single life and doesn't care what you think about her. I admire the heck outta that. E-Date Chronicles A new find: This site asks readers to submit the most absurd profiles that they find in perusing online dating services. I have often pointed out absurd or preposterous elements of people's profiles, but without using their names. I urge you all, that if you decide to submit profiles to this site that you do so without using people's names. I just feel like it's less gossipy... "Many genuine and kind-hearted people have taken to the Internet in recent years to find their soul mate. Even though each E-Dating site employs a unique method for finding a suitable mate, they all share a common weakness namely, people who post preposterous profiles. The mission of the E-Date Chronicles is to use humor in pointing out the absurdity contained in such profiles. Please send us any preposterous profiles you feel to be deserving of the E-Date Chronicle 'treatment'. " Got a sister site to recommend? Recommendations welcome. Endorsements by Esther not guaranteed. :-)

RIDING TO ROMANCE

Catch a cab, get a date This article in the Wall Street Journal is about a cabbie named Mr. Ibrahim who asks selected riders if they are single and looking. If they are, he records a short audio interview with them, and sets them up when he meets a rider who he thinks might be a suitable date: Mr. Ibrahim finds that New Yorkers are a tough crowd to please. "All the guys want Britney Spears," says Mr. Ibrahim, "And the girls are very, very picky." Oh, he's not wrong, in either case... The Tall and the Short of It New Yid on the blog The Buddha comments about the height issue. If you've been dating in the Jewish community, you know what I mean. Most Jewish women are looking for a taller man, even if they themselves are more petite women. (I had one friend who was just five feet tall, and often dated men who were 6'3 or 6'4. I maintain that there's no need to date someone more than a foot taller than you.) And a lot of men have a psychological problem dating someone taller. The Buddha wants you to know that he doesn't have this problem. But you know what the real issue is? I think that people focus on height because it's an unchangeable, objective tangible, as opposed to something that's less subjective like personality or sense of humor, or chemistry. You click with someone, and sometimes you can identify why. But the lack of click sometimes needs a scapegoat too. And I think people use height as that kind of patsy, as a way to rule someone out in a way that "doesn't really hurt their feelings," because after all, you can't change your height. Unless you have that Willy Wonka stretching machine that he used on Mike Teevee after he was turned into a Mini-Mike after being sent by television. Also, the fact that height is not objective is the reason that so many women on JDate are upset when guys lie on their profiles about this element. If you're 5'5, and claim 5'9, and we meet you, we're gonna know. Even if you wear lifts on the first date, at some point, those shoes are coming off and then we'll know. Representing yourself as four-to-six inches taller represents a divorcement from reality--we only care if you lie. So, an unsolicited but helpful hint: Be honest about your height at the forefront. I know it's hard, but it's better in the long run.

ALL OVER FOR AMY

I've been all over the place for Amy Sohn. Many miles, many trains. Three trains to Brooklyn to interview her last week. Another three today to her reading at the Barnes and Noble on Astor Place. (And that latter three was after a morning spent soaked to the skin after the monsoon that somehow penetrated the near-impregnable subway system.) Her columns--"Female Trouble" and "Naked City"--are a braver, rawer, less Jewy version of my own. The notoriety of her subject matter is something I'm not sure I want for my own, but I certainly don't mind being around it once in a while. Genuinely funny, so much prettier than the sullenness of the book jacket photo would have you believe, Amy is surprisingly down-to-earth. Especially for a sex columnist. And all the miles? It was worth it, if only to hear her say "Being a writer is like a fusion of being a rabbi and an actress." (Hmm. Both careers I've had suggested to me at various points in my life. Why didn't I think of this?) I'll write more about the interview at a later date. For now, check out her new book, My Old Man (which I keep calling "This Old Man") and her column in this week's New York Magazine, about the dates who fade away. Men and women, we've all been guilty of this one. Any other dating sins to confess? Feel free.

A JDATE IN A KINGDOM BY THE SEA; FRUSTRATION IN THE HOLY LAND

JDaters Anonymous wishes strength and future happiness to two of my dear blog comrades in arms: Annabel Lee (who's way cool for naming her blog after a poem by one of my favorite masters of the macabre: Edgar Allan Poe) has happened upon tough JDate times. Backwards compliments, borderline racism, and just plain insensitivity have shown our Miss Annabel that would-be gentleman callers who routinely use the word "screw" on a first date are not worth her future time. Unless he does call again and asks for her feedback--then I say, fill out a complete post-date survey. I'm happy to help you write one in advance of his call, Annabel. Over in another kingdom, in a far off Holy Land, Chayyei Sarah decides not to wallow in self-pity and appreciates the good things in her life, but that doesn't stop her from wanting more. And so she should. It's hard to see what you have and note that your life is better than so many others. But we will always see our lives for what they could be, the better version we're sure is just steps away. This is a good thing, the way I see it. It keeps us driven toward achievement in different areas. But taking time out to appreciate what we already do have keeps us grounded. So, Sarah, keep the faith. Disappointments happen, but most are not eternal in terms of their impact. I quote the immortal Matthew Wilder: "Ain't nothing gonna break-a my stride/Nobody gonna hold me down/Oh no--I've got to keep on moving." You'll find him. And when you do, we'll all join together in a blogospheric hora. Sisters, we at JDaters Anonymous support you.

DEAR DIARY: TODAY I AM A CATCHPHRASE

My life dreams have all been attained. In one week, I've become a new genre, inspired a catchphrase that's undoubtedly sweeping the nation faster than you can say "Baby Fish Mouth," and I've been compared to Molly Ringwald. You all know that I really like my JDate profile. It used to begin "Funny, smart and sassy..." until I met Evan and he criticized my use of adjectives. So I changed it, and came up with something catchy..."Too cool for shul, but I go anyway. Sometimes." This is actually a perfect description of me--couldn't have written it better myself. (Um, right.) Anyway, imagine my surprise when I saw this catchphrase listed as a headline on JRant. It linked to a post on JDaters Anonymous regular Passionate Life, in which P-Life recounts his perusal of my profile and the subsequent adoption of my catchphrase by his entire family over Shabbat dinner. Clearly, he didn't sleep enough that night (or since), because he also thinks I look like Molly Ringwald. (Whatever...like I told him, I'll take it!) Later in the post, P-Life submerges himself in a reverie in which he imagines the girls he loved in high school and actually invents a prom. Since no one's ever written an ode to me, let alone created an imaginary prom, because of something I wrote, I'm flattered! To reward him for comparing me to an 80s icon, let's send good JDaters Anonymous karma over to P-Life...

ALL MY CHILDREN

And by "children," I mean my columns. (Self-promotion alert...) I thought it was time to post my master list of singles columns, here for your reading and commenting pleasure. "Separation Anxiety"--On the subject of separate seating at weddings (NY Jewish Week, 8/27/04) "Darkness Visible" --Singles column about spiritual darkness and an actual blackout (NY Jewish Week, 8/13/04) "The Blaire Hitched Project"--An interview with "MarryBlaire.com"'s Blaire Allison (NY Jewish Week, 7/30/04) "Life After Sex & the City"--An Interview with writer Cindy Chupack (NY Jewish Week, 7/16/04) "A New Profile, a New You"--Revising my JDate profile, with help from E-Cyrano.com (NY Jewish Week, 6/11/04) "Activism, With a Side of Love"--The social scene at the UJC Young Leadership Conference (NY Jewish Week, 5/07/04) "Adam Mesh, Average Mensch"--An interview with reality TV's "Average Joe" and his parents (NY Jewish Week, 4/09/04) "Seuss and the City"--A poem on living Jewish and single in NYC (NY Jewish Week, 03/06/04)

"HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"

The ladies know what I'm talking about. Probably some of the men, too. That "Sex and the City" episode where that guy doesn't call Miranda and Berger tells her the secret: "He's just not that into you." Check out this article in the Washington Post about the phenomenon, and the L.A.-based comic and former "straight male" advisor to the late, beloved show who's written a book about it. Warning...not for the faint of heart. Contains phrases like: When you Google "Why didn't he call?" you get more than 1,500 hits...a column on AskMen.com called How to Reject the Girl You Don't Want.... When a guy is truly interested in a woman, he pursues her. That's the way it's always been, he says, and equality hasn't changed it...and MORE delightful tidbits... All I'm sayin' is, if you can't handle the truth, don't order the code red.

GOOD NEWS...

(Cross-posted from My Urban Kvetch) This just in, good news for Superfreelancer... My Jewish Week column, First Person Singular, is now going to be running every other week, instead of every fourth week. That means twice as many pieces on living single and Jewish in NYC. And that, in turn, means that I will probably find a boyfriend tomorrow, and be rendered so immobile with happiness that I'll be unable to muster the energy, let alone the creativity, to come up with topics of interest to singles. OK, it's a bit of an exaggeration (there's no boyfriend on the horizon, and I've still got about a dozen ideas in the creative hopper). But still, I need your help. I'm putting together a dating questionnaire that I hope some people will consider filling out and sending back to me. If you'd like a survey sent to you, please email me and I'll add you to the list of people who are absolutely guaranteed* to go to Heaven for helping me. Thank you! *Not a guarantee.

I'LL TAKE ONE PERSONAL AD, HOLD THE CLICHES

Is it really this hard to write an accurate profile of yourself that actually says something about you? Here's a WSJ article about the idea of "personals trainers" (which I think is cute, but unwieldy to say) like my L.A. friend Evan Marc Katz of E-Cyrano.com (although EMK isn't the focus of this article, and his company is barely mentioned...) At this point, I've written a bunch on the subject of online dating and putrescent profiles, so I'm declaring myself an expert, too. $50 and I'll give your profile an hour. I'll not spare your feelings, just give you my gut reaction: boring or ka-ching! And I'll tell you how to fix it. I'd be doing us all a favor, trust me. (Although if you're reading this and nodding, your profile may already be fine...) Maybe I should form a mega company, with all the people I've written about in my column in the New York Jewish Week. First, I'll form a national focus group of all the people I met at March's UJC Young Leadership conference in DC, to deliberate all things single and Jewish. Evan could hold round-the-clock workshops and revise people's profiles...Blaire could be the resident love coach, who will attend singles events and tell awkward singles how to get over their nerves...and Adam Mesh could be our celebrity spokesperson. I'd also enlist experts on other aspects of dating and relationships: my non-Jewish now-friend on navigating interfaith relationships, writer Cindy Chupack on what's so funny about romance, and then, yo, I'd flow one of my stone cold rhymes, freestyle y'all, 'cause I'm the original Jewish love poet, dawg--don't be hatin' my flow. Word. EDK out.

HAVE YOU SEEN HIS SOULMATE?

Have you seen Jacob's soulmate? Maybe he should meet Blaire Allison. Maybe they're MFEO. Just for the record, I don't know where my soulmate/husband/Mr. Right Now is either. But I guess I haven't gotten to the point that I want to put up a website declaring myself open for the romance business. In any case, marketing is marketing. Good luck to them both.

TO REJOIN OR NOT TO REJOIN?

That is the question. It's been a little over a month since my JDate membership ended. If you remember, when we last left Our Heroine, she was getting no messages, and was increasingly frustrated with certain men, who did actually initiate contact with her in the first place, and who yet failed to follow up with any kind of contact outside of the email world. Plus, there was the whole issue of JDate's search engine finding forbidden words in my profile and removing them, rendering my profile an exercise in code-breaking idiocy. The day after my membership expired, I got two messages. By now, it's up to 8 messages, from men who apparently were sufficiently interested to read the first part of my profile, where I entice them with a witty and well-written profile, but who failed to read the part that says I'm not a member anymore and that they'll have to IM me when I'm online or send me an email c/o this blog. So now I'm looking at the "Members Who've Viewed You" page, and there are actually a few guys who aren't in their 50s who have viewed me and perhaps emailed me. So do I rejoin, only to find out that the messages are from friends who just decided to say "nice profile" or from guys to whose emails I had already responded with a "no thanks"? Or save thirty bucks a month and maintain my carefully cultivated "JDate disillusion"? Both, truly tempting options...opinions, as always, are welcome here.

CUDDLE PARTIES

This is like, almost the opposite of being Shomer Negiah. Of course, A Picture of C, always ahead of the trend, wrote about this a long time ago. Sounds like it's alternately a good and a bad idea. Thoughts?

BLOG YOUR BREAKUP

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WORD "FRUM" BAFFLES CASUAL SEX SEEKERS ON CRAIGSLIST

Yes, I know there are about a million things wrong with that headline. But as it turns out, apparently frum people need casual sex, too. At least in New York. This is excerpted from Anna Schneider-Mayerson's article in the NY Observer.  For the complete article, click here and scroll down to the second story, titled "Hot! Sex! Live! Frum!" Visitors trolling for casual sex on Craigslist.org last week were left scratching their heads over an unfamiliar reference that has surfaced in a flurry of recent postings. To the posters’ disappointment, frum (pronounced "froom") is not shorthand for a kinky new posture or adventurous attitude. It’s a Yiddish word that technically means "religiously observant," but for all intents and purposes is used by men and women who identify themselves as Orthodox Jews. Jeff, an events planner who grew up Catholic in the Midwest, said he kept seeing requests from frum men and women seeking frum sexual partners. "The only thing that was in my mind was fru-strated, m-arried … ? I had no clue what it was," he said. "I didn’t realize it was an Orthodox Jewish person. From what I understand, they’re supposed to put a sheet between them when they have sex." It turns out that the deeply religious have sexual tastes as mundane as the rest of us. "Single frum guy for single frum girl for fun!" wrote one 24-year-old. "Married, frum guy looking for a frum girl (married or unmarried) for some NSA [no strings attached] fun. We can have good time ‘learning’ together," a 31-year-old posted. "Frum married guy looking for frum guy to explore," wrote another, continuing: "I am a frum married 28 yr old guy … during the summer my wife will be upstate and I am looking to explore having sex with a man … please be frum." There's more to the story, so check it out on the Observer's website, link above. My comments? It shouldn't surprise you to know that I have a few. I wonder how long it's going to be until this article catches the attention of a group of rabbis who contact these people offering not sexual exploration, but an opportunity for repentance. It also may point to a need in the frum community (a term that is far-reaching and includes many subgroups of different observance levels, I understand) for something similar to the Amish rite of rumspringen, in which teenagers leave their home environment to experience the world-at-large (now being explored in a UPN reality show, where we discover the answer to the age-old question, Are the Amish Hot?). In some modern Orthodox communities, after yeshiva upbringings, a teenager will go to a secular college, and encounter the "outside world" there, with challenges to their observance of kashrut and Shabbat, among other things. It can be a bit of a culture shock, and so many yeshiva grads opt for years in Israel or for an education in safer environments (YU/Stern, JTS, or even Columbia/Barnard or Brandeis) but I think it's often important for individual growth to realize you're part of a minority, and that your view is actually quite separate and different from the consensus of what is appropriate, or right, or accepted. Maybe the whole frum experience of living apart, unquestioningly, in a modern world is too much for some people to handle. The ad looking for a frum guy to engage in sexual exploration with another frum man indicates that they know they're living in a culture that doesn't approve of their sexual identity, but that they still feel a need to explore who they are, within the safety of the company of someone else who will fully understand their conflict. The popularity of the outstanding documentary Trembling Before G-d seems to indicate that there's a real need in the religious community to explore sexuality, and ways to be more inclusive of people who are different and who still want to live Jewish lives. The issue of sexuality--casual and committed, homo- and hetero-, pre-marital and even extra-marital (Newsweek ran an extensive cover story about how women are the new face of marital infidelity)--is one that we continue to struggle with in our own lives, and for the religious among us, it's sometimes even more layered with difficulty, as these Craigslist ads reveal. [Esther steps off soapbox.]

LOVE AND POLITICS IN A YEAR OF ELECTION

The New York Times reports on new online dating sites that are targeted according to politics. An excerpt:   Most of the sites have popped up just in the last few months. And most of them trumpet a party affiliation from their home page. Love in War is a bit more subtle. Each personal comes with a mood meter, with the scale ranging from "Dean Angry" to "Clinton Mellow." And when Love in War members state their political beliefs (and they often do), they tend to echo the words of "LibGraphicDesigner," from Akron, Ohio: "Wake Me When Bush Inc. Is Gone." Want more? Click here.

SOMEONE ELSE'S JDATE ADDICTION...

This article by Amy Klein appeared last year in the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles... It's long, but definitely worthwhile, and all-too-relatable. It's titled: True Confessions of a JDate Addict... An excerpt, for your convenience: Over the next six months, I receive e-mails from more than 250 men, correspond with about 60, and date about 30 of them. JDating is like a parallel universe, a bustling underground populated by people whose online lives are nearly as demanding as their daily jobs. It requires constant e-mailing, instant messaging, phone calls, meetings, follow-up e-mailing, more meetings and, finally, the messy business of purging failed dates from the system — and getting purged yourself. It’s taking up all my time: I can’t stop looking at the Web site. If dating is a numbers game, surely this will increase my odds. My numbers are not as impressive as Amy's. My experience has yielded few emails, and even fewer actual meetings. Anyone else wanna weigh in?

NEW ISRAELI WORD/SITE

(Via the Town Crier.) You'll be glad to know that there's a new Hebrew word for people who are both in our condition (single) and who want to move to Israel: singOlim. Click here for their site. Their mission statement: The goal of Project SingOlim is to prove that there is NO NEED to “compromise” on either Aliyah or on getting married. Whether you have a pioneer spirit or would prefer to share this common goal with someone special, Aliyah can be the most powerful experience in the world! By providing Singles with all the proper resources KUMAH’s Project SingOlim seeks to remove the “Marriage Excuse” obstacle from those with even the slightest desire to come on Home. I'd be very interested in your comments, especially from my Israeli readers...

ITCHY INSTANT MESSAGE FINGER

It's official. My JDate membership has ended. So of course, after months of silence from the JDate men, someone contacted me today. Now that I can't see who it was. I'll never know. I can't IM anyone, and all I get are those frustratingly unoriginal, bereft-of-any-creativity "teases," even though I've expressly requested that interested gentleman callers say something of their own instead of opting to "tease" me with inappropriate words. Damn this all to hell. I'm itchy, and twitchy, and restless. Can't get comfortable, like an addict in withdrawal. Except that being addicted to JDate never felt that euphoric to begin with. It's been more of a habit than an in-your-blood-and-every-fiber-of-your-being addiction. But I'm definitely ready for a break. The first 24 hours is probably going to be the hardest. After that, it's all downhill. Which was pretty much my experience on JDate to begin with. (Negative enough for ya?) Whatever. I'll keep up my therapy by coming here, and I urge you all to do the same. Send me your huddled stories, yearning to breathe free, and I shall release them into the ether--they will plague you no more, and we will embrace you in support. As Dionne, Elton and um...other people sang, that's what blogs are for. Or something like that.

MARRY BLAIRE

Almost-27-year-old Blaire is just like the rest of we single women in our 20s (and dare I say, 30s): tired of waiting around for Mr. Right. So, thanks to the Internet and the media, she's taking her search global. You may have seen her profiled in this Sunday's New York Times Style section. Check out her website. Originally via Spot On.

I LOSE MY SASS ON JDATE

I haven't really lost my sass. It's just that my JDate profile used to say I was "Funny, smart and sassy," but now, the JDate censors have caught up to my plan to sneak the word ASS into my profile and deleted the words. So I did what any rational person would do. I quit. That's right. I've had it with them deleting things from my profile and not telling me about it. It would be one thing if they sent me an email or refused to post my profile based on some egregious misspelling or horrible misanthropic/psychotic sentiment. But I can't take it anymore. My words are all I have in a profile, and when I use them, I want them to be, um, used. But I'm zany that way. I'm not ending the blog, though. Even if we all quit JDate, I think we'd all have enough stories to sustain us through a good year or so more of posts. And I think it's important to have a place to go to where our PTSD is shared, and understood unconditionally. I'm hoping that I won't have to go back, but I know I will. You can't help it. Love it or hate it, JDate's a part of the Jewish single experience. In sickness and in health. Until marriage do us part.

SAW YOU AT SINAI

"Matchmaker, matchmaker, match me a match... Find me a find, catch me a catch... Matchmaker, matchmaker, look through your book and find me the perfect match." (Or something like that. It's been a while since I saw Fiddler.) Heard anything about Saw You At Sinai, the (relatively) new matchmaking service? Here's an article from the Blueprint on the service. And I also found a few bloggers who have undergone "The SawYouAtSinai Experience": Rabbi Josh Yuter describes how matchmakers decided his bashert was his ex-girlfriend. Meredith's experience was totally different. She was set up with someone who was paralyzed from the neck down. Click here to read the letter of complaint she sent to the Saw You At Sinai administrators. We need to hope that somewhere people are having good experiences with the fledgling service, but so far, I've not found any. If you have had a good experience with SawYouAtSinai.com, why not share your experience with the group? Post a comment here, or if you're shy, drop me a line. My Carrie Bradshaw moment on matchmaking: We're always asking matchmakers to look through their books and find us the perfect match. But what if our match isn't even in their book? What if matchmakers are checking out their books from the wrong library?

BANTERIST: ONLINE DATING PICTURES

This Field Guide To Online Dating Profile Photography is truly masterfully done. Take one normal-looking guy and, through different shots, show how different his photos make him look and why he might post such pics online with his dating profile. Spot on, Banterist. And props to Superjux for clueing me in on this one...