Friday, January 07, 2005


When I was in high school, I liked a boy. It was a suffer-in-silence, painful-to-look-at-him kind of crush. His face was unremarkable by cinematic standards, a fact that didn't seem to conflict with my John Hughes-movie shaped brain. I fixated on him, his intelligence, his occasional smile, and focused my "romantic" energies on the pining process. I tried to talk to him a few times, and it went miserably--a ridiculous scenario, since he was just a boy, just a student like me, and one with whom I had previously conversed before I fell under the spell of his dubious charisma. That he didn't seem to want to talk to me, even as a fellow human being, didn't seem to deter me in my devotion, and my friends took to calling him "He, with no human emotions." After an "event" at a sweet sixteen party that ran much like a flashback from Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, I was inclined to agree. Because this blog tends to center on the opinions of women, every once in a while, I like to call attention to some of the men blogging about romance, dating and relationships. Equal time, you know. Jack (who is married and not my brother of the same name) posted about men and emotions, and delves into some of the issues about what men want and what women want... I know a number of women who say that they want a 21st century man, who is kind and gentle and in touch with their feelings. But some of them will also to admit to wanting a man who fits the stereotype, at least in a number of ways. They want a man who is decisive, who is willing to lead and tell them what to do... Now I don't expect women to be monolithic in their views on anything, anymore than I would for men. But what I do know is that I hear and see mixed messages coming from women. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And Ken Wheaton's taken a diversion into posts about dating, to interesting results... he even quotes Hillel in this section, about blogging your dating life: Isn't dating stressful, horrifying and undignified enough without having to worry that the next day, you have, thanks to a blogger, a newly acquired snarky code name and your every move has been graded for all the world to see? (I'm a big fan of Hillel in that regard: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor.") He continues, to his credit, in extreme honesty: Yes, I'm the typical "I want a girlfriend, but not that one" type of guy. Yes, I'll fall in love with you on the first date, but if you come climbing off the pedestal by the third or if I change my mind, I'll make like an old general and fade away. (That said, in a dating situation, I'm NOT trying to get into your pants. I'm trying to get you to become obsessed with me.) Yes, I might be sensitive today, but I'm totally self-absorbed and self-destructive tomorrow. Yes, I can be needy, cloying, cheesy, obsessive (there's that word again) and a right royal pain in the ass. And, yes, I think that guys who say "I'm not the jealous type" are completely and totally full of shit. Yes, I'm a total hypocrite. In other words, I'm just like the rest of you (well, except for the real badasses): neurotic, overly hopeful, and unwilling to learn the lessons that reality and every prior relationship has tried to teach you. Apparently some of his readers have taken this as a cry for intervention. I see it as self-expression--relatable for anyone who's been out there and hasn't forgotten what it's like. Check out these guys, and let them/me know what you think...

1 comment:

Radmila said...

It's true.
I too want my man to be sensitive, but I want someone who can take charge too.
Women are out in the world making decisions all day long, whether it's to do with work, or children, or dinner, or family's also nice not to have to make the decisions all the time.
Even though we talk about sensitivity in men, and how we want it...if he's too sensitive, and too in touch with his female's a little...for lack of another way of saying putting.