Q & A

Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I’m back now, with a Q&A inspired by a reader and JDate subscriber in Boston. How about a “profile workshop”? Participants could offer candid critiques on each others’ profiles? Good idea. I’m sure we’ve all had friends look at our profiles and give feedback. But sometimes you need a professional: a friend of mine founded a company that does exactly that. Check E-Cyrano.com, and let him know I sent you! How about a piece on “tips for hiding your email address [in your profile so you don’t have to pay for the service]”? I could definitely publish tips for hiding your email address in the text of the profile, but it's become very difficult to get away with this, since JDate censors have stepped up their censoring of anything that might be an email address. I actually wrote a piece on this for My Urban Kvetch, the other blog I run. I’ve reposted it below for your convenience. You’ll see that the censoring crackdown has resulted in fractured sentences and errors that seem like typos, but aren’t. Irks an editor something awful, I tell you. JDate seems to be pushing this whole “perfection” thing (“perfect first date,” “ideal relationship,” etc.) As often as not, people reject this and write “well, not expecting a perfect first date, but…” Don’t you think JDate could be more in touch with what members consider relevant? Of course. JDate should actually go out with some of these people who have profiles on their service. Then they’d be just as horrified as the rest of us are. In terms of "perfection," people on dating services state their "ideal" because you don't go into a pay service saying "I'll settle for..." If we're going through the rigmarole of defining what we want (which we don't get the advantage of doing in real dating life) we're going to shoot for the moon, so to speak. Almost no one says, “I’d like to date someone who’s visibly flawed, has no sense of romance, and brings his baggage to every interaction.” There seems to be no consensus about whether folks like to chat for chatting’s sake or if an IM automatically means “I’m interested.” Me, I’m a chat fiend, so just enjoy a chance to relate. There’s a definite comraderie that fellow searchers can enjoy (I’ve made a few good friends from contacts in online personals). Some women, when I IM them, their first response is “hold on, I’ll read your profile and see if I think we’re a good match…” Um, hello? There really is such a thing as just saying hello. If I’m looking for a date, I’ll be explicit. Which is why women that I IM seem to be more at ease if they’re not local. In life, yes, there is such a thing as just saying hello. In the context of online dating services, not so much. There are undoubtedly some JDate members who like to chat for chat's sake. But I would think that the general rule is that unless you have something substantial in common with that person that's obvious from the profile, and you're connecting to ask a question specific to that topic (say, improv; or once I contacted someone in St. Louis about a shared love of Buffy), I think most people think the IM chat is a preliminary to dating; most people want to date someone in their geographical area, which is why many might be reluctant to spend their time chatting with someone out of area. In the chatroom, yes, since it’s a gathering place for people from all over, but not the one-on-one of individual IM. Also, you need to remember that most women in their thirties are on JDate not to meet friends, but to meet potential mates, or at least dates. They already have plenty of friends in real life. (Theoretically.) Therefore, a friendly IM from someone out of area who's just saying hello might seem annoying, or a waste of their JDate time/money. If you know you're a chat fiend and often send IMs to women out of your area or who you're just saying hi to, you might want to add that to your profile so people know what they're getting when they hear from you, and will maybe treat it a little less seriously. …and thanks for creating the Jdaters site. I feel pounds lighter now. Dude, I’m so glad to have helped. Disagree with my responses? Got some advice to add? Let me know via the comments function or via email…