THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK...

According to a very important survey of single Americans, conducted by The Australian Wine Bureau and Match.com (if you must know), your choice of drink may be making statements about your personality or lifestyle: Match.com polled more than 2,300 single men and women nationwide and found that 62 percent believe that their date's choice of beverage provides insight into their lifestyle, and 52 percent felt that it is indicative of their personality. I guess explains why the guy I drank apple martinis with never called again. He thought he was going to have to spend his life with me watching reruns of Sex and the City and couldn't stand the idea. Personality perceptions associated with the top U.S. imported wine countries: -- Ordering a wine from Australia conveys the message that a person is adventurous (62 percent) and fun (32 percent). [Just a reminder: This survey was conducted with the help of the Australian Wine Bureau, so consider the source.] -- A person that drinks French wine is viewed as pretentious (76 percent) and high-maintenance (65 percent). -- Sexy (40 percent) and stylish (37 percent) were personality traits used to describe a person who orders a wine from Italy. The Kedem winery apparently could not be reached for comment. What do you drink, and do you change your drink order depending on the company? Do you have a favorite wine, or do most of them taste the same to you?

YOUR BRAIN IS AN IDIOT

According to this article on iVillage's Sex and Relationships channels there are 5 ways to make ANYONE fall in love with you, and it all has to do with manipulating our idiot brains. Here are the five ways they suggest: 1. Hang Around Lots...but Then Be Unavailable This is excruciating. If you like someone, you want to be around them all the time. This is advocating an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" stance, but you run the risk of crossing over into "out of sight=out of mind." 2. Let Them Do Nice Things for You That's really nice. I do so enjoy the word "nice." It's so "nice." And so meaningless. When we're infatuated with someone, we're desperate to do nice things for him. You're much better off letting him spoil you. That's great. But if I'm unavailable, how's he gonna get to do nice things for me? 3. Give Them the Eye If you look at someone you like 75 percent of the time when they're talking to you, you trick their brain. The brain knows the last time that someone looked at them that long and often, it meant they were in love. So it thinks OK, I'm obviously in love with this person as well, and starts to release phenylethylamine (PEA). PEA is a chemical cousin to amphetamines and is secreted by the nervous system when we first fall in love. PEA is what makes our palms sweat, our tummies flip over, and our hearts race. The more PEA the person you want has pumping through the bloodstream, the more likely he is to fall in love with you. Shakespeare summed this one up the best: Tell me where is fancy bred...or in the heart or in the head? See? I told you your brain was an idiot. (And besides, I've tried this and it doesn't work.) 4. Don't Look Away Simply lock eyes with the person you like and keep them there, even when he has finished talking or someone else joins the conversation. When you eventually do drag your eyes away (three or four seconds later), do it slowly and reluctantly -- as though they're attached by warm toffee...If you're too shy to gaze openly, skip the toffee and think bouncing ball. Look away and at the other person who's joined the conversation, but every time they finish a sentence, let your eyes bounce back to the person you're interested in. This is a checking gesture -- you're checking his reaction to what the speaker is saying -- and lets him know you're more interested in him than the other person. What an image. Warm toffee. My eyelids are getting heavy just thinking about it. More ways that your brain is an idiot. (Plus, I've also tried this and it doesn't work.) 5. Practice Pupillometrics There's just one thing you need for bedroom eyes: big pupils. According to pupillometrics, the science of pupil study, this is the crucial element we respond to. You can't consciously control your pupils (one reason why people say the eyes don't lie). But you can create the right conditions to inspire large pupils and get the effect. First, reduce light. Our pupils expand when they're robbed of it, one reason why candlelight and dimmer switches are de rigueur in romantic restaurants. It's not just the softening of light that makes our faces appear more attractive, larger pupils also help. I can see myself now, with my eyes squeezed shut for an hour in preparation for a party where I'll see a guy I like. Later, when we get engaged, I'll ask him what first attracted him to me, and he'll say, "I'm a pupil man." In case you're interested in more wisdom from the author of these tips, you can check out 18 Body Language Cues That Say He's Interested.

GOING RATE FOR FORGIVENESS: $17K

At what price, forgiveness? Apparently, $17,000. Larry, who declined to give his last name, sent the $17,000 apology to Marianne, his wife of 17 years. She left him almost two weeks ago, he said. "It was a culmination of things," he told the newspaper. "But I am desperately trying to save our marriage." A relative told him that Marianne saw the advertisement. "She said my wife read the ad and started crying. But so far I've had no response from her," Larry said. Maybe it's the cynic in me, but maybe she's crying that her husband just wasted 17 grand on a newspaper ad.

YOU SAY NEATO, CHECK YOUR LIBIDO

From Israel21C: Millions of Americans suffer from lack of sexual desire - or at least think they do. Now, for the first time, an Israeli-developed test can scientifically determine the level of a person's libido. The method - developed by a team led by Prof. Yoram Vardi of Rambam Hospital in Haifa - can enable medical professionals to determine the root cause of diminished sexual desire, and whether medication or treatment is being effective. "What we've developed is a test that objectively measures the subject's amount of interest in sex - it rates their libido," Vardi told ISRAEL21c. "Until now, through all the years of research in this subject, we've only have had subjective ideas on this matter - mainly what the patient would tell us. There isn't even an evaluated standardized questionnaire on libido. What we set out to do is to devise something objective - that can measure and quantify a person's sexual desire." OK, I know this isn't a joke press release, that it's about a drug that can really bring hope to couples suffering from lack of libido. But because I'm a dating visionary, the release inspired me. I wonder if it might be worth the time and money to create a product that would help the dating-impaired. Say you like a guy or a gal. There's flirtation. There's banter. But there's no action, no DTR (as Anna Broadway taught me--"Define the Relationship" talk). And you're understandably afraid to put yourself out there, especially if a friendship is at risk. If only there were a risk-free way to find out whether your friend is interested in you as a friend-with-benefits... Well, now there is: new Truth is a fragrance that helps you ask questions that will get you the closure you need. Truth contains sodium pentathol, so the sprayee has no choice: he or she must answer your questions honestly. Can you handle the Truth? Sate your curiosity, with Truth. Or, if the prospect of questioning your crush troubles you, try new Unmitigated Truth: mist your intended with just one spray of this new vanilla-scented fragrance, and if the object of your affection doesn't object to your affection, a pink line will appear across his or her forehead for three seconds. If there's no "there" there, there will be a blue line. Unmitigated Truth: A pregnancy test for romance.

UNDERDOG CANDIDATE SEEKS YOUR VOTE

It may be an honor just to be nominated, but the writer's ego is a fragile thing; do your part to patch mine, by voting for My Urban Kvetch and JDaters Anonymous in the Jewish and Israel Blog Awards. JDaters Anonymous, especially, needs your help--this scrappy little candidate is battling some big guns at her awards premiere, so if you'd like to be the champion for the underdog, here's your chance. The first round of polls is open until Sunday "late morning, Israel time." The details: You can vote once every 24 hours, so bookmark the site and make it a daily visit. Most categories have been split into two parts because there were so many nominees; the top 6 in each part will head to the finals. This means that if I do well enough in the qualifying rounds, there will be another announcement here next week, urging you to go back and vote for me again in the finals... As a reminder, My Urban Kvetch is nominated in several categories, so make sure to view the whole list before you vote.Of course, once you get to the IsraellyCool homepage, you may see other names that ring bells--a substantial number of the other nominees are also on my blogroll and in my rolodex. We're all winners, here, really. Vote your conscience; you'll do the right thing. And although I can't make any promises in terms of your romantic future, I will say that supporting JA and MUK can only be good for dating karma. (And if you're a reader who would like to be set up with a friend of mine, let me know and I'll see what I can do.) Plus, if you vote for me, I'll make sure there's a frozen yogurt machine in the cafeteria.

MEN "FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN"

According to

While most men appreciate Pamela Anderson's enhanced curves and J. Lo's derriere, they wouldn't change a thing about their sweethearts. More than 65% of Canadian men said they wouldn't want their significant others to undergo plastic surgery to change their appearance, according to a survey by Harlequin Enterprises.

In case you're wondering, that's Harlequin Enterprises, as in the publisher of so-called "women's romance fiction." You know, the books whose covers gave Fabio his so-called career and lifetime contract with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. So they've extended their reach into surveys, having polled 1000 men to get these remarkable insights:

• "I believe in letting things be the way they are meant to be."
• "If she wanted larger breasts to make her feel better about herself or to have more confidence, then I would support that. And hell, it's not like I don't get anything out of the deal."

Where Harlequin got the names of 1000 men for their survey, I cannot state for certain. Although I would not be surprised if they were husbands of the women who write or purchase these books.

Another point that might be worth mentioning--the survey doesn't say specifically that this holds true for single men. Hmm. Once your sweetheart is your sweetheart, it doesn't matter what he or she looks like. Of course all partners are going to say "I wouldn't change a thing"--it's better for shalom bayit (domestic tranquility). But it's in the three-ring-circus of singledom that the quest is for perfection.

If I still think that most single men would prefer to date naturally beautiful supermodels rather than surgically sculpted supermodels, does that make me an optimist?

THE FRIEND ZONE--POPULATION: YOU

Dude, we have so all been there. Some of us may have been there so often that we think we deserve a mayorship or wish that we could accrue frequent flyer miles for our trips. So, I present two posts on the Friend Zone for your perusal. Here, Ken Wheaton's non-dating life takes a trip into the Friend Zone. And now Gatsby's wondering about it as well. Feel free to weigh in with your own comments and experiences, as well as any insights you may have on the following questions: Aside from copious amounts of alcohol, how do you turn a friendship into something more? Is there a "turning point" in every friendship at which one of the parties becomes irrevocably desexualized? Aside from random acts of nudity, what could suddenly cause you to look at a friend in a new light?

THEATER ALERT: LA-BASED NON-SABBATH OBSERVERS

Or, find a way to pay in advance and walk there, but this sounds like a fun show. In Wired News: Geek Love, or Lack Thereof Rose's one-hour show, Scott's Search for a Rose, details his bungled attempts at applying computer logic to the illogical business of love. "It's a true story about my life as a Mac geek who grew up more comfortable with computers than women," said Rose. "It's a universal tale of searching for love and all the missed opportunities, mistakes and regrets.... It's a fun show." Rose, 32, is a professional speaker based in -- where else -- Los Angeles... Rose's show is part entertainment, part therapy (he wrote it after a breakup) and part elaborate pickup strategy. "If single girls want to come to my show, they'll get a really good idea of what I'm looking for," he joked.

GOOD NEWS FOR D.C.-AREA FORNICATORS

According to this article in the Washington Post, "the state Supreme Court yesterday struck down as unconstitutional a 19th-century Virginia law making it a crime for unmarried couples to have sex." The ruling strikes down a law criminalizing fornication as a Class 4 misdemeanor punishable by a fine of up to $250. The law had been on the books since the early 1800s but has not been enforced against consenting adults since 1847, lawyers said. The court based yesterday's ruling on a 2003 U.S. Supreme Court decision overturning an anti-sodomy law in Texas. Public fornication, sodomy and prostitution, however, are still illegal. Food for thought: Imagine if the court decided to uphold the Virginia law, and sent out a task force to identify everyone in the D.C. area who has fornicated outside of the bonds of matrimony, and charged them retroactive fines of $250 for each count. Think the fines might be enough to pay for, I don't know, a Presidential Inaugural party?

PRINCESS LEIA HASN'T DATED SINCE THE CLONE WARS...

(That should attract just the kind of Star Wars-motivated traffic I've been needing for JDaters Anonymous...and thanks to those people who wrote with suggestions and corrections.) In yesterday's New York Times, Maureen Dowd ponders the attraction of powerful men to the women secretaries, assistants, PR consultants, etc who take care of them and determines that they're all just looking for their mommies. In the article, she quotes several studies, including the one about intelligence and likelihood to marry. But we've covered that here already. More interesting to me was the random celeb she asked for an opinion: I asked the actress and writer Carrie Fisher, on the East Coast to promote her novel "The Best Awful," who confirmed that women who challenge men are in trouble. "I haven't dated in 12 million years," [EDK note: this is the approximate era of the Clone Wars, which means she hasn't dated since before Anakin and Amidala met and mated] she said drily. "I gave up on dating powerful men because they wanted to date women in the service professions. So I decided to date guys in the service professions. But then I found out that kings want to be treated like kings, and consorts want to be treated like kings, too." With princesses commenting on the behavior of kings and consorts, no wonder dating's such a royal pain. But seriously, taking Star Wars as an analogy for dating, you'll note that Jedis, the most powerful spiritual forces in the galaxy, tend not to surround themselves with women (I think there were a few women Jedi in Episodes I and II, in what I like to call the Mace Windu Circle of Jedi). But do you remember what they looked like? Not really. Perhaps having many women inside the circle would divert their focus, or perhaps the women are all out chasing the clones, who look all shiny on the outside, but whose innards are robotic and unemotional. (Sarah notes that the clones were actually human on the inside, which shows you that I haven't fully grasped the lore of the first two movies. Perhaps my understanding was derailed by the shrill presence of the twice-named after a cookie receptacle Mr. Binks. She'll have to forgive me.) There's only two couples in the Star Wars story who get any lovin' (in chronological order): Amidala and Anakin, and Han and Leia. In the next (final?) movie in the Star Wars saga, we'll find out what consequences there are for the sexual union between Natalie--oops, I meant Amidala--and Later Vader, how soon Anakin abandons his beloved when she's pregnant, forcing her to use Naboo's food stamps program to pay for food and daycare for her twin tykes until she sends Leia off to Alderaan and Luke off to Tatooine. Luke has designs on his sister during the so-called "Whiner period," before he's aware of the blood tie that makes their love impossible, but gives up romance to focus on a career in the Light Saber Arts. The closest he ever gets to romance is when Han shoves him inside the guts of a Tauntaun on Hoth, and that can't be very romantic ("...and I thought these things smelled bad on the outside..."). It is precisely this scoundrel quality that draws Leia to Han: he's the master of his domain, and by that, I mean he's manually guiding the rudder of his ship, and by that, I mean the Millennium Falcon. He's the equivalent of the blue-collar trucker that all princesses want, the man so totally other that it stokes a fire. Worth noting that she herself is an activist princess, with the intelligence and poise to threaten Daddy Vader while she herself is a prisoner, the strength to usurp command of her own rescue mission ("into the garbage chute, flyboy"), and yet lacks the basic smarts to invest in a sensible wardrobe involving basic black activewear. What's my point? We don't know how the Amidalanakin storyline ends up, although given the age difference and the situations that have been established in SW, ESB and RoftheJ, it does not look good. Han and Leia might make it--I guess we'll have to find George Lucas's treatment for movies 7, 8, and 9. Maybe Luke finds love. Maybe Mace Windu becomes a Yoda of sorts for a new generation. Maybe the scoundrel/princess union, which has its literary roots in the fire of Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler's Southern romance, is something that burns eternal but is, on a day-to-day level, unlivable. Whatever the conclusion, it has nothing to do with Maureen Dowd's article. OK, I'm off to Los Angeles to join the queue for Revenge of the Sith.* (Hat tip to Steve Silver for linking to the O'Dowd article.) *No, I'm not. I'm not that insane.

"HE, WITH NO HUMAN EMOTIONS"

When I was in high school, I liked a boy. It was a suffer-in-silence, painful-to-look-at-him kind of crush. His face was unremarkable by cinematic standards, a fact that didn't seem to conflict with my John Hughes-movie shaped brain. I fixated on him, his intelligence, his occasional smile, and focused my "romantic" energies on the pining process. I tried to talk to him a few times, and it went miserably--a ridiculous scenario, since he was just a boy, just a student like me, and one with whom I had previously conversed before I fell under the spell of his dubious charisma. That he didn't seem to want to talk to me, even as a fellow human being, didn't seem to deter me in my devotion, and my friends took to calling him "He, with no human emotions." After an "event" at a sweet sixteen party that ran much like a flashback from Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, I was inclined to agree. Because this blog tends to center on the opinions of women, every once in a while, I like to call attention to some of the men blogging about romance, dating and relationships. Equal time, you know. Jack (who is married and not my brother of the same name) posted about men and emotions, and delves into some of the issues about what men want and what women want... I know a number of women who say that they want a 21st century man, who is kind and gentle and in touch with their feelings. But some of them will also to admit to wanting a man who fits the stereotype, at least in a number of ways. They want a man who is decisive, who is willing to lead and tell them what to do... Now I don't expect women to be monolithic in their views on anything, anymore than I would for men. But what I do know is that I hear and see mixed messages coming from women. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And Ken Wheaton's taken a diversion into posts about dating, to interesting results... he even quotes Hillel in this section, about blogging your dating life: Isn't dating stressful, horrifying and undignified enough without having to worry that the next day, you have, thanks to a blogger, a newly acquired snarky code name and your every move has been graded for all the world to see? (I'm a big fan of Hillel in that regard: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor.") He continues, to his credit, in extreme honesty: Yes, I'm the typical "I want a girlfriend, but not that one" type of guy. Yes, I'll fall in love with you on the first date, but if you come climbing off the pedestal by the third or if I change my mind, I'll make like an old general and fade away. (That said, in a dating situation, I'm NOT trying to get into your pants. I'm trying to get you to become obsessed with me.) Yes, I might be sensitive today, but I'm totally self-absorbed and self-destructive tomorrow. Yes, I can be needy, cloying, cheesy, obsessive (there's that word again) and a right royal pain in the ass. And, yes, I think that guys who say "I'm not the jealous type" are completely and totally full of shit. Yes, I'm a total hypocrite. In other words, I'm just like the rest of you (well, except for the real badasses): neurotic, overly hopeful, and unwilling to learn the lessons that reality and every prior relationship has tried to teach you. Apparently some of his readers have taken this as a cry for intervention. I see it as self-expression--relatable for anyone who's been out there and hasn't forgotten what it's like. Check out these guys, and let them/me know what you think...

JDATE: A HA'ARETZ PERSPECTIVE

This excellent article from Ha'aretz shows us that online dating is online dating, even in Israel: This is one of the problems of the Internet: Anyone can write anything he likes. The Internet is a paradise for the verbally inclined and the dating sites give an unfair advantage to those who can write well or are clever at hiding behind words. And yet, I've found that many men don't even bother filling out the profiles completely, never mind stretching the truth. I kind of wish they would write well or be clever enough to write words that made them more attractive. At least it would show a little creativity, a little of their individuality. Because then, in real life, they would be more attractive, even if they are, empirically, less attractive. (They so need E-Cyrano, it's ridiculous already.) The chance to fantasize is perhaps the big advantage of the Internet dating sites, and it's also their drawback. Finding a mate via the Internet takes time and thought. But while we're sitting at the computer and corresponding with growing intensity with people whom we really don't know the first thing about, we increasingly come to feel like we're having a lively social life and that the words appearing on our screen genuinely represent real people who have some kind of connection to our fantasy about them and to the thought that they are the one and only with whom we are destined to live happily and wealthily ever after. Sometimes this fantasizing goes on for so long that when you finally go on the date, you're already totally in love with the virtual character you've constructed for yourself as a result of your correspondence, who doesn't always bear much resemblance to the actual person. I think this is one of the reasons that my friends all report having been so successful when it comes to IM and email banter, but why so few of those have transitioned into real life meetings. More often, they report of the instant connection, the "clicking" so loud that it's palpable even over DSL, followed by a drop-off in correspondence and eventual disappearance. No one wants to shatter the fantasy. Now here's a great story--that sounds all too familiar--that's simultaneously appalling: Noa says she gave up on searching via the Internet because she discovered that while women are looking for certain personality traits in their potential mates, "with men, it starts and ends with outward appearance, or else they explicitly say that they will not respond to inquiries from women who haven't attached their photo, and then on the phone they interrogate you for hours to make sure you're not fat or wrinkled, god forbid, unless they're the type that are after women who are `plump and juicy.' The ones seeking women like that are usually also the maniacs who are interested in nothing but sex." Adi, for example, talked on the phone with a man who asked her if she "is one hundred percent sure that she is not overweight at all." She happens to be thin, but this question really annoyed her and so, she says, "I asked him right away if he's one hundred percent sure that he has no financial problems. He swore that he didn't and later on, when we met, it turned out that he actually wasn't employed at the moment and also forgot his wallet at home so it was my job to pay the bill." Remember the IM conversation with the guy across the pond? Men are petrified of non-skinny women. It's really amazing. Is this just a cultural thing? Is it just Jewish men, despising their own cultural types? Are they afraid that the other men in their cave--oops, I mean, peer group--will shun them, forcing them to sleep furthest from the fire and (God forbid) die of exposure with extremely chapped lips? I think all men (and women too) should read Wendy Shanker. This is not about man-bashing; it's just that the world would be a better place. To put it in a classically self-deprecating manner, I want to be judged and rejected based on my own shortcomings, not those dictated by society. This is definitely a topic to be revisited.

MARRIED PEOPLE ARE MORE SUCCESSFUL

Still reeling in the wake of the intelligence report, now we have this report to contend with: Married men hold higher positions, get promoted more often and receive better performance appraisals than single men. Additionally, married white women earn four percent more and married black women earn 10 percent more than their single peers. All things equal, employers are more likely to hire a married male over a single male, as many still suspect single men of being less settled and more reluctant to handle responsibility. Research does not entirely support this view. For example, while studies did find that married men are less likely to miss work, arrive late, quit or be fired, they also indicate that single people generally put in longer hours and are more devoted to their work. Also, married people tend to have better mental health: [They] report lower levels of depression and distress. Forty percent say they are "very happy" with their lives, compared to 25 percent of single people. And those who are married are half as likely to say they are unhappy with their lives. There are a few positives in this report: 1. Single people generally put in longer hours and are more devoted to their work 2. A study of 280 successful scientists found that their creativity tended to diminish once they got married. This also held true for musicians, painters and authors. But why end on an optimistic note? Here's another helpful little fact, followed by a variation of the classic joke: Based on life expectancies, nine of 10 married men and women alive at 48 are alive at 65, while only six of 10 single men and eight of 10 single women make it to 65. "So what you're saying is that married people live longer than single people?" "Nope, just feels that way."

DUMB IT DOWN, AND YOU'LL GET MARRIED OFF

Uh oh. Attention ladies: Better buy your bottles of blonde hairdye and schedule yourselves for a brain reduction, if you want to get married. The London Times reports that while women are really looking for brains in a man, not the same thing can be said for men seeking women. The study they cite measured the IQ of 900 men and women when they were 11 years old. Then 40 years later, they were revisited to find out if they had ever married. "The finding that IQ in early life appears to be associated with the likelihood to marry is important because factors in childhood may determine a person's marital status in adulthood, which may in turn influence future health and mortality," says the study, to appear in the Journal of Personality and Individual differences. For boys, there is a 35% increase in the likelihood of marriage for each 16-point rise in IQ. For girls, there is a 40% drop. I guess this means that the smarter we are, the more hesitant we are to rush into a relationship that isn't meant for long-term success. At least, that's how I'm spinning it. Brilliant, did you say? Damn you. Hat tip: Janice

YET ANOTHER ONLINE DATING SERVICE

This one, SingleandActive.com, is for people with a passion for adventure and outdoor sports. Personally, I'm waiting for SingleJewishPopCultureAddicts.com.

CAGE MATCH: JDATERSANONYMOUS VS. JDATE

You all know I complain a lot about JDate. It almost seems that I wouldn't be a single woman if I didn't. But it's not peer pressure, or the desire to get along with my singleton peers, that drives my dissatisfaction. It's because of a basic fact about JDate. They're in it for the money, and don't care about customer service. In any other business scenario, this would spell disaster. But they've got the brand working for them. Even if the most frequent online incidence of the word "JDate" is inevitably followed by someone's account of how horrible their experience is, brandwise, they're the preeminent Jewish dating service, referenced on The West Wing, relentlessly in Jewtopia, and in any other number of pop culture contexts. Despite the dissatisfaction of many members, who keep quitting and rejoining because they think they have no choice, the number of "members online" seems to keep growing. Many have speculated about this, and I think the reason is clear. Even if you quit a thousand times over, your profile remains active. It is sent to people in "Your Matches" emails even if you quit JDate, met someone elsewhere, married and have a few kids. If you have not specifically requested the removal of your profile, as far as JDate is concerned, you're still available. Now, many of us have suspected that, despite their poorly named Customer Care Department, no one over there seems to care about us, the multitude of customers who enable JDate to exist. Feeling ignored is something we all experience. But now, my correspondence with them proves it. First, that initial letter I sent them (and their completely unacceptable response). Then, there was another letter, that I wrote as a member of the press who was thinking about giving them some publicity, that received an auto-response. Never, never send a member of the press an auto-response. (And I didn't even go to business school.) And now, there's this--my newest letter, followed by their response. I'm uncharacteristically terse because they limit me to 150 words (as if I could sum up what's wrong with them in 150 words, without using the word fackockta): 12/28/2004 From: Esther's Profile Name Reason: General question or suggestion There's no one option why I'm canceling: JDate is frustrating and ineffective. Your computer-generated customer service responses are inadequate. You delete words from people's profiles that changes the meaning and sound of their original essays. You should focus on customer service, on actually responding to people's queries. If this message gets an auto-response like all the other ones, I'm showing all my friends how you "value" your customers. Ok, can't say I didn't warn them. Here's their response to my concerns, and my comments in brackets. From: JD Comments Sent: Wednesday, December 29, 2004 3:44 Subject: Re: General question or suggestion Dear Member, To change how often you receive "Your Matches" emails and other informational communications from us, go to Member Services and click "Off-site email alerts and settings." There, you will see a list of options to choose from. [Um, guys? I know how to do this. I'm NOT an idiot. That's not what I asked.] If you would like to stop the automatic renewal of your Premium Membership, go to "Cancel Your Premium Membership" in Member Services. This will stop any future billing yet allow you to enjoy all subscriber benefits through the remainder of your paid term. Your profile will also stay on the website for free for as long as you wish. * [I've already done this, Brainiacs. Then a screen popped up asking me why I'm quitting, and none of the reasons quite fit. That's why I'm contacting you. And by the way, I'm gone as of January 23.] If you want to remove your profile and stop getting email from us, just login and go to "Remove Your Profile" in Member Services. [Of course, you know I can't do that. If I'm Jewish and single, I have to stay out there. And part of being out there, unfortunately, is having a JDate profile. This sucks, man.] We hope that you have been enjoying the website and meeting some wonderful people. [Um, I'm gonna go with no, I haven't. What I have found out is that on the whole, Jewish men either come on too strong, or they're total wusses. Or maybe they're just not that into me. And while we're at it, I'd like to note my resentment of one of the "reasons for quitting" that you list: "I'm giving up on finding a soulmate." Why would you do that? It's like "Ok, leave if you want to, but know that if you give up, you'll be alone forever." You suck, JDate. There, I said it.] JDate.com Customer CareJDate.com -- the best place on the Internet to meet quality singles and find your perfect match [Umm, no--it obviously isn't.] Let's recap what I asked for, and how many of my complaints they addressed. And let's see which of my readers can discern the intricate mathematical pattern:

• JDate is frustrating and ineffective. This is where they should have said, I'm sorry that you're finding our system frustrating, but here's who to call, or what to do...NOT ADDRESSED
• Your computer-generated customer service responses are inadequate. NOT ADDRESSED
• You delete words from people's profiles that changes the meaning and sound of their original essays. COMPLETELY NOT ADDRESSED
• You should focus on customer service, on actually responding to people's queries. HMM. NOT ADDRESSED
• If this message gets an auto-response like all the other ones, I'm showing all my friends how you "value" your customers. ADDRESSED, BUT BY ME, IN THIS POST.

I swear my blood pressure just jumped. Maybe I'll do some nice, calming work to even out my keel. If anyone has horrid tales, or better yet, good experiences about JDate's response to customers to relate, let me know. I'm hoping that their responses to me constitute a response anomaly. But somehow, realistically, I don't think it is... *On the previous "An Answer" post, an Anonymous reader wrote: I wrote Jdate and asked them to inform those women [who wrote to me] that I cannot retrieve their messages or respond, but it doesn't look like they will do so. In a sense, they are damaging my reputation and in a way hardly consistent with traditional Jewish values. Morever, since I can't log on, I can't even delete my profile so that it doesn't continue to happen in the future. If they lock me out because I no longer subscribe that's fine, but then they should also remove my profile, rather than keep my face and profile up and count me as one of their available-to-meet members.

LONELY? LIBERAL?...LOVE

If you're a liberal, who's lonely and wookin' pa nub in all the wong paces, you'll be thrilled to learn about this merger between two online dating services that are hoping you and a saucy Canadian number will make a merger of your own. The newly announced merger between the District-based ActForLove.org, and its Canadian counterpart, MarryAnAmerican.ca, is designed to achieve "politically motivated matrimony" between "hot, sexy liberals" on both sides of the border and counter "four more years of cowboy conservatism" under Mr. Bush, MarryAnAmerican says on its Web site. According to the article, MarryAnAmerican says that it wants Americans in Canada to engage in "politically motivated matrimony". ActForLove has partnerships with influential groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), NARAL, and the Environmental Defense Fund--the article reports that although initial fees for the service are $25 for up to 25 contacts, singles who follow the ACLU's recommendation to fight the USA Patriot Act can get free credits with the dating service. I know most of you just come here for your singles-related news or hoping that I'll yell about a JDate experience, but I really think you've got to read this whole article. It's written in such a tone that you almost believe it's a joke. An example: MarryAnAmerican says, "While we don't necessarily advocate marrying strangers on the Internet, we're not opposed to the idea either, if the stranger is progressive and really hot." Because that's all anyone's really looking for.

TWO AMERICANS IN PARIS: A LOVE STORY

One December, in a city by a river, there was a tower with twinkly lights. Amidst the sparkle, a humble humor, a human romance brought further illumination to a City of Lights. On a cold night, you can't beat the romance of an engagement in Paris. As Ari said in her congratulatory comment, Deb and Alex "bring hope to the desert." Here's a prayer: to more hope, less desert. (And more dessert, if I get a third wish. But if only two wishes, then more hope and less desert.)

"JUST NOT THAT INTO" THIS BOOK

Anyone not get an adequate deluge of "He's Just Not That Into You" this week? Good news! Here's my latest column, "Just Not That Into" This Book... Enjoy, and comment away!

FORE EJUCATED SYNGULLS ONLEE

Got a degree? Then Degreedate.com wants you to join their site: Degreedate.com started with one goal in mind: to be the best meeting place for educated singles online. At degreedate.com, we believe education is one of the key ingredients of compatibility, and for some, the most important. Interests and lifestyles are greatly influenced by a person’s educational background, and we honor the hard work you’ve put in to better yourself. We’ve built an entire site around your achievements, because we believe you shouldn’t have to worry about the tedious process of seeking a match; your time should be spent considering the list of prospects that will lead you to a more fulfilling life. By the way, Degreedate's acceptable degrees include an Associate's Degree and a Bachelor's Degree. First two thousand people to register get free lifetime memberships!!

I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER BECAUSE SHE REMINDED ME OF A MOODY RABBI

In this story about Frumster.com, a man says that he was attracted to the woman he eventually married because "despite her gender and her hairless chin, the beauty with the faraway look reminded him of Rabbi Shnuer Zalman, the bearded founder of the Chabad Lubavich group. She 'was almost the exact feminine version,' he recalled. 'She was gazing off into space with this holy smile.' We can file this one under "There's a lid for every pot." So glad these two kids found each other.

THE FORWARD: JDATE PROFILE

In this week's issue of the Forward, comedian Catie Lazarus (and I wonder if that's a stage name) shares with you "her JDate Profile." Clearly, it's for laughs. I'm not really sure I understand all of the jokes in the earlier part of the piece, but if you wait for her self-description, you should get an out-loud laugh or two. On the whole, a resonant piece.

HJNTIY BACKLASH

The dating phenom known as "He's Just Not That Into You" is finally engendering backlash: "This is killing me," says attorney George Cahill, 28, of the phenomenon surrounding the red-hot title, "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys." Cahill recently went to dinner with a woman he had been dating for a few months and told her that due to a hectic work schedule, he wasn't looking for a serious relationship. "But I know that she's read the book, so I felt like a huge liar," he said. "Except that it's true! I am really busy at work!" I've got a column on this coming soon to a paper near you, but my two-sentence summary is here: Don't follow a mantra, people. Follow your hearts.

2004's TEN MOST INFLUENTIAL DATING MOMENTS

This, you gotta see. Of course, Match.com is responsible for the list, so consider the source... 1. Love trumps money. Apparently, women are less materialistic than ever!! Go us! 2. Seniors click with online dating. As anyone who's seen my "Members who have viewed your photo" folder can attest. 3. Farewell Sex and the City. Or, as Carrie said: "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." 4. Ladies first. Women are "more comfortable than ever at making the first move" in online dating. Um, that's because if we don't make the effort, we never hear from the boys. 5. Politics and dating. People began dating along party lines. Not that it helped. 6. The same-sex marriage debate ignites across the country. (This item has not increased romance in my own life, I'm just saying.) 7. War in Iraq. Huh? War is romantic? Um, no. But Match.com includes it anyway, noting the increase in internet activity to stay in touch with loved ones... 8. Online dating goes mainstream. 30 to 40 million people log on to internet dating sites each month. Although this is supposed to make me feel better, I find the numbers a little frustrating. That's a pretty good pool, and I seem to have forgotten my swimsuit. 9. HJNTIY. According to the list, this "empowers women to set the bar higher in a relationship or move on..." But I think it gives non-committal men with poor communications skills another excuse. I guess I'll found out for sure, now that I've got the book from someone extremely generous. 10. Single dads are sexy. So saith the Match. According to them, "Seventy-four percent of the single women on Match.com indicated that they are open to dating someone with children. " Their proof? Kevin Hill. Still, good news for certain aforementioned generous people. What? No entry for "Esther D. Kustanowitz founds JDaters Anonymous" or "Jewish Week Singles Column Breaks Subscription Records"? I was robbed, I tell ya...

JDATE V. FRUMSTER (VIA JEWSCHOOL)

The difference between JDate and Frumster. Discuss amongst yourselves...

CHAYYEI SARAH RELOADED

Last weekend, Chayyei Sarah (J.A.’s single soul sister in Jerusalem) went to a singles weekend in Tiberias, Israel. It was an experience like no other, in which Our Heroine suffered untold singles-related slings and arrows, ducking social ineptitude and poorly-planned program elements like machine-gun fire. She survived—as heroines often do—heroically, living to blog (and blog and blog) another day (and another day and another day). As she relived the weekend for her readers, she understood that she needed support, and has asked for it:

The Shabbaton was . . . emotionally a lot . . . and while writing about it is helping me to "process," the interaction with other people out there helps a lot too. Even if you don't think you have something profound to say, please say something, even if it's just "nice post" or "this gave me something to think about" or "you have a typo." Writing about the Shabbaton is dredging up a lot of the feelings of isolation, and your feedback helps me to not feel like I'm blogging in a vacuum. As she reflected on the “Lost Weekend” (my title, not hers) she recalled the incidents in the order that they transpired. But because of the way blogs work, the newest posts are first, leading to disjointed reading. Her enterprising editor friend is pleased to present for your reading this chronological account of CS’s weekend, chapter by renamed chapter. Click to the link below each chapter title and make sure to share your comments with her, as well as with me. Feel her pain, for it is also ours. Chapter One: In which Our Heroine senses a mild disturbance in the Force Chapter Two: In which Our Heroine measures up the competition Chapter Three: In which Our Heroine discovers which Harry Potter character she would be Chapter Four: In which Our Heroine’s Friend has her chanukkiyah (Chanukah menorah) highjacked Chapter Five: In which Our Heroine resents an announcement Chapter Six: In which Our Heroine begins to feel depressed and tired Chapter Seven: In which dinner is served and people are rude Chapter Eight: In which Our Heroine has had enough and is still trapped for Shabbat Aside: In which Our Heroine bravely explores the subject of physical appearance and the subjectivity of attraction Chapter Eight: In which Our Heroine breathes again, which is a good thing, because she’s already named the previous chapter “Chapter 8” Chapter Nine: In which Our Heroine is flattered and confused by a man’s attention Chapter Ten: In which our Heroine meets Voldemort—oops, I mean Hairbun Chapter Eleven: In which Our Heroine does not declare bankruptcy and instead meets a Smug Unmarried American

Chapter Twelve: In which Our Heroine does battle with a donut interloper Chapter Thirteen: In which Our Heroine gets stuck in a conversational loop

Chapter Fourteen: In which Our Heroine stabs it with her steely knives, but she just can't kill the beast

Chapter Fifteen: In which Our Heroine seeks a prayer before eating Chapter Sixteen: in which Our Heroine depends upon the kindness of strangers

Chapter Seventeen: In which Our Heroine does some learning Chapter Eighteen: In which Our Heroine walks in Tiberias and through history Chapter Nineteen: In which lunch is served Chapter Twenty: In which Our Heroine receives an intriguing offer Chapter Twenty-One: In which Our Heroine wishes she knew more Sephardi customs Chapter Twenty-Two: In which a Cohen atones and Our Heroine prays for a soulmate Chapter Twenty-Two and a half: In which Our Plucky Heroine pitches her Azzam Azzam story and encounters journalistic snags but remains optimistic Chapter Twenty-Two Again: In which Our Heroine loses count of the chapters again but summarizes her experience with a valuable lesson Shabbaton Chronicles—Revolutions: In which Our Heroine reflects on her experience and makes some decisions THE END [???]

NY TIMES WEDDINGS FOR DUMMIES

Or at least that's what this site should be called. But instead, it's called Veiled Conceit. Their motto? A glimpse into that haven of superficial, pretentious, pseudo-aristocratic vanity: The NY Times' Wedding & Celebration Announcements Best post I've seen is this one, extrapolating an imagined Jdate-originating email correspondence between two people whose wedding was announced in the Sunday Times. Satire, irony, snark--come and get 'em. (Thanks to Bloghead for turning me on to this...)

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

And in today's installment of "Who are these guys and where do they come from?": In addition to the phenomenon noted by H in which everyone wants to be her friend, and on the heels of Chayyei Sarah's recap of the Singles Shabbaton from Hell (begin at this link and read up--she separates the posts by vignette), which is serialized over at least 13 parts, last I counted, we have this entry, from WritersBloc. She was ambushed with a blind date while at a party, and wackiness ensued (rendered in appalling green to indicate the single girl's queasiness when on a date with the wrong guy): The conversation veers to religion and my recent attempts at keeping kosher. “I’m just doing it to see how easy or hard it is. I’d like to try,” I explain. “Do you believe in God?” “I do. Why?” “Well, because I don’t.” “Believe in God?” “Right. You can’t prove to me that God exists. So since there’s no proof, I don’t believe in him.” “But you can’t disprove that he exists either.” “That’s not the point.” “Oh.” [beat] “Prove to me that God exists!” “What?” “Prove. To. Me. God’s existence. You believe in him, so prove to me he exists.” “You can’t prove faith,” I try “You just can’t. Faith is rooted deep inside. Your whole body just knows. It’s not about rational justifications. Faith is not rational.” “Well, I’m a very rational person so everything needs proof for me. For example, I just read two books by this Dutchman who proves that life was planted on Earth by aliens.” “Aliens? And he proves it?” “He does. After you read his two books, there will be no doubt in your mind that aliens planted life here.” ”I see.” ”You should check those books out.” ”I should.” And there is more. But I'll leave it to you to discover. And I leave you with this personal account: Esther's conversation with Blind Date Guy number 3,048, circa 1994: BDG: So what did you study in school? EDK: English. BDG: So, now you speak English. EDK: Um, yeah. But I also studied literature--fiction and poetry. I'm a writer. BDG: Oh. I always thought poetry was stupid. EDK: Well it's not. BDG: Well, I don't understand it, and I'm smart. I am a lawyer after all. EDK: I guess some people just don't get it. That's an understatement.

AL TANOODGE*

In this week's Jewish Journal, L.A. writer Jill Franklin calls for people to be sensitive to the private lives of both singles and new marrieds. But what she's really doing is calling for people to mind their own business and not impose their timelines on other people. Finally, a platform that makes sense; too bad it's fundamentally unimplementable in the Jewish community, where the culture seems to be centered on the invasion of privacy. An example from my youth: when my brothers and I got kvetchy (in those pre-blog days), my mother always used to tell us "Al Tanoodge." The Al is the negative imperative, "don't" which appears in the Ten Commandments in front of prohibitions against things like murder and adultery; tanoodge was my mother's own Hebraic/Decalogual construction of the nonexistent verb "to noodge"--the grammatical formulation indicated that it was not up for discussion: this was the Eleventh Commandment. But did we stop? No, we noodged--it's what kids do. When we became adults, we made efforts to resist this legacy of imposing your expectations on other people. As young adults in our twenties and thirties, I think my brothers and I are doing a great job of resisting the genetic predisposition. But I fully expect that when we move on to parenthood, the resistance will break down, and we'll succumb. As I've been single the longest, I fully expect to have the strongest resistance, but one day, I hope to have the opportunity to noodge my own daughter to get married. I know it will be because I want to see her happy, but I also know she won't see it that way. In the meantime, whether you're single or married, read Jill's article. And if you feel the primal urge, resist. Al Tanoodge. *To clear up any confusion, Al Tanoodge is not a town in Iraq. Just read on.

IS INTERNET DATING BUBBLE SPRINGING A LEAK?

E-Dating Bubble Springs a Leak From Sunday's New York Times: While most women interviewed complained that too many men just "window shop" online and are unwilling to consider any but the prettiest faces, Zev Guttman, 28, a mortgage banker in Monsey, N.Y., said it was men who are at a disadvantage online: it is still typically the man who has to make the first move, and it is still the woman who gets to pick and choose. As a result, he said, he either had to lie — about, say, the fact that he is divorced — or face an empty mailbox every day. "If I write that I'm divorced, I don't have a chance of hooking up," he said. "If I write that I'm single, they're not interested because they think I lied to them" once they discover the truth. "I'm just going to go back to matchmaking, or friends," he said. JDaters Anonymous readers, weigh in: Would you rule out dating someone who is divorced? If you dated someone who said that s/he had never been married and then revealed that s/he was divorced, would you break up with him/her because s/he lied? Do you think men are more superficial than women (i.e., likely to reject a woman based solely on her looks)?

A MUST-READ FOR ALL SINGLES OR SINGLES SYMPATHIZERS

So yes, that includes everyone. Run, don't walk, to see Chayyei Sarah's accounts of the singles weekend she went to over Shabbat. She discusses (in no fewer than eight parts, and there may be additional installments) step-by-step the misery of how she felt on this weekend, and brings up some difficult issues about the subjectivity of beauty and attraction. Feel her pain, and then tell her it's all going to be all right. It has to be. She's a wonderful, intelligent, attractive Jewish woman who's putting herself out there on a regular basis. If there's any justice, it will be all right. She'll find someone who will have been worth the wait. And they'll live happily ever after. If you know any frum, cool guys in Jerusalem, send them Chayyei Sarah's way, please. CS, JDaters Anonymous supports you.

THE WEEK IN ROMANCE

Of course, I have to lead with octopus love. If you'd like to meet someone but don't know how or where, the internet can help: At inked a matchmaking deal with EHarmony. Forgive my cynicism, but if you ask me, this is like MTV partnering with the Smithsonian. Friendster is for people with an attention span of three seconds; and the EHarmony questionnaire is full of questions no one can understand and takes over an hour to fill out. Sounds perfect, right? This week, the Virtual Wingman hit Yahoo News (but if you’ve been paying attention, you’ll know no one will give her a chance. Oprah’s Wednesday show (a repeat) featured the author of “He’s Just Not that Into You,” and made me determined to never waste time over boys who can’t get their acts together. Jewsweek reviews two books about sex and dating: She Comes First, and Single Jewish Female: Neither book presents a unified theory for Jewish sex. She Comes First isn't a Jewish book, but for what it is -- a guide to oral sex -- it's the better for it. SJF is unabashedly Jewish, but for all Furman's borscht-belt jokery, she makes it clear that a Jewish girl wants to marry a Jewish guy because she wants to send Jewish kids to Hebrew School -- not because she's looking for the kind of fiery action that only comes from a shared history of desert-wandering. Tis the season to be depressed and lonely? Not according to these two items from the internet: Here’s yet another Singles Season Survival Guide to avoid the purported loneliness of the Christmas season: And non-religious Jewish singles can meet their mates at “The Ball”. And finally, in Australia, a study reveals that it’s healthier to be married, and that “singles had higher levels of psychological disturbance and alcohol consumption”: I think that ties in with the lonely season article above. (We're trying, goshdarnit! Don't add pressure! Leave us the freak alone!) Wishing you all a happy holiday season!

LOVE, BEYOND CATEGORIES

Forget the copepods in tap water, wigs made in India, ordination of women or gays, or whether a person’s political slant is a little more “blue” or “red.” These days, no matter what your denomination, there’s always someone who will find your practice unacceptable. On the singles circuit, religious deal-breakers abound: from taking the elevator to your Shabbat dinner on the 24th floor to observing prohibitions against women singing in public, it often seems that there are more reasons to be combative than there are to be compatible. My newest Jewish Week singles article is online for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

BANGOR COLUMNIST ON BEING SINGLE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

The Bangor Daily News' Jessica Bloch share her experience being single for the holidays, and how to decrease the loneliness that often accompanies the season. (I personally blame New Year's Eve, which she doesn't specifically address, but I guess there's still time for that.)

HOW DO YOU WRAP A BOYFRIEND?

The Rocky Mountain News provides this feature on how to survive the loneliness of the holiday season. (See, it's a theme today.) One of the people they interview is Rachel Greenwald, the author of Find a Husband After 35 - Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. Those of you who have been paying close attention will remember her name and this title from my recap of the Washington 14 Conference in March. Although her advice isn't awful, I can't imagine following her suggestion: She advises singles to make lunch or coffee dates with six friends and ask for a gift: a blind date with someone they know. Call me crazy, but I'm not convinced that blind dates are a present. They're awkward, and seldom as fun as, say, TiVo, or health insurance. Plus, there's the whole tricky wrapping element. But despite my skepticism, I'm open. As the famous saying goes, "Never look a gift date in the mouth. Unless you're a dentist. Because then it's your job."

COULDA BEEN A PROPHET

If only The Jewish Week had printed the column I submitted this week, I could have looked like a trend-setting prophet. It was all about how people label themselves as Jews, especially within the online dating context, pointing out that some JDaters who opt to describe themselves as "Unaffiliated" are actually not even Jewish to begin with. But of course, my column was bumped due to advertising space needs and this small-town paper called the New York Times beat me to it. (Not to quibble over who's climbing on whose bandwagon here, but...) Apparently, those Jew-seeking daters are hoping to find a stereotypically nice Jewish girl or boy...and doing quite well for themselves. Don't we all wish we could say the same? The column should appear next week, when it will appear that I'm basing my article on the one that appeared in tomorrow's Times. You, gentle readers, will know the truth. (And thanks to the person who gave me the Anonymous tip on the article.)

SEMI-SWEET SIXTEEN PHOTOS

I do a lot of complaining about what men put in their JDate profiles. I'm harsh sometimes, but I don't name names, which I hope creates a learning experience for these poor gents. Equal time to the guys, now. Here's Todd with his list of 16 weird photo things women do in their JDate profiles. He points out how some of these items are indicators of red flags, like having no picture. I have to say...men do this stuff too. But Todd knows that.

ONLINE ROMANCE CRIME ON THE RISE

File this under "forewarned is forearmed." The article quotes the president of an organization called WHOA (Working to Halt Online Abuse): "We see up to 50 victims of online harassment/stalking each week," Jayne Hitchcock, president of WHOA states. "Some of these have had the unfortunate experience of meeting someone online, whether via an online dating service, chat room or personal ad, and have had a negative experience. So far, these victims (both men and women) have not had their lives taken as a result, or been physically abused, and we were able to stop the online harassment before it escalated to such a point. Putting a disclaimer on a Web site stating whether or not they provide a marital and/or criminal background check is a very simple solution and much easier than requiring every online dating service to do these checks. This then leaves a man or woman the option of joining that service, knowing what they can expect. And it could save their life." The call to action was issued by TRUE, "the only online relationship service that actively seeks to further protect the safety of its communicating members by conducting extensive criminal background screenings. "

BBC PRESENTS: "ROMANCE ACADEMY"

According to Harrow Times: Britain has the highest numbers of sexually transmitted diseases and teenage pregnancies in Europe, while Harrow has some of the highest in London. I did not know that. Britain? Really? Too much Coupling, I guess. (As if there could be too much of such a great show..."Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...") Amid this climate of promiscuity and teen sex, the BBC have commissioned a new documentary series, to be set in Harrow, encouraging youngsters to "try abstinence". First of all, they're calling it a documentary, but I'm thinking it's more like a reality show. Like "Amish in the City," but it's really "Abstinent in England." I wonder what the slogan for abstinence will be. "Relax: Don't Do It" seems very inappropriate, considering the original thematic of that Frankie Goes To Hollywood song. The series will follow a group of 15-18-year-olds to see if they can go five months without sex. Dubbed Romance Academy, the unusual show will urge the teens to practise celibacy and encourage them try old fashioned dating rituals. Let's set aside the fact that there are apparently 15-18 year-olds who are sex addicts. I don't think we had those in my high school. How does one practice celibacy? Very carefully. If you practice Judaism, you engage in Jewish rituals and customs. What are the customs of celibacy? Is abstention from an act an act itself? Old-fashioned rituals may include going to airports and hotel lobbies on your dates and attending singles dances where a wall of plants separates the men from the women. Or so I've heard.

TRENDS IN JDATE PROFILES

I suspect that this will be a recurring series, much like H's new feature, "JDate Email of the Day." Which was upgraded from "JDate Email of the Week." Which was upgraded from "JDate Email of the Month." There's just so much material there... In the past month or so on JDate, I have noticed some trends in profile contents that I'd like to share. Maybe you can help corroborate my observations, explain them, expound upon them or otherwise proffer an opinion. This is the first in this series. "I'm a very laid-back guy" /"I'm very easy-going" I don't know what it is, but all of a sudden, all guys seem to have the term "laid-back" as self-descriptors in the first sentence of their profiles. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm saying I don't get it. What qualities does the "laid-back" guy possess? That he's "casual" or "easygoing"? Is the opposite "tightly wound" (in which case "laid-back" would be a good thing) or lazy (which would be bad)? Does he mean that nothing rattles him? That his apathy or indifference is boundless? That he never has an opinion about anything? How can anyone be completely "laid-back," in an era where the current cover of New York Magazine exhorts: "TERROR: WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN HIT AGAIN?" (subtitle: "Reasons to Feel Safe...And Scared") I just keep seeing this phrase, over and over again. And it's always in the intro sentence. That actually grates on me more than anything else about the phrase...that the first thing they want you to know about them is that they're easy-going or laid-back. Which, as we've already covered, I don't find to be all that descriptive. I know. I'm a little nutso when it comes to language. I don't have to date Strunk and White. (Oh, the bad English major references.) Or William Safire, for that matter. I just believe that whoever is out there for me can make a compelling case for himself in writing. I'm even willing to relax about his spelling. But your profile is your opportunity to impress the people in your dating pool--why not take that chance? Use your words, boys.

GOTHAMIST DISCOVERS BLAIRE

Of course, if you're a JDaters Anonymous reader, we all discovered her months ago. Here's Gothamist's interview with Blaire Allison, Spinster. (Disclaimer: I maintain that 27 is not a spinster. A girl's gotta believe she's not past her prime just because she's reached an arbitrary age marker...)

NOW, THIS IS ENCOURAGING

[That was sarcasm, people.] Sometimes online dating can be...murrrrder. [Insert evil laugh here.] I know it's not funny. I just don't deal with "downer news" that well. (Yes, 2001 was a difficult year. Actually, which year hasn't been a difficult year?) Internet Romance Ends in Murder for Memphis Woman There are a number of web sites that make it easy for many people to find love on-line. That's apparently what 43 year-old Linda White, who lived in Memphis with her parents, thought she had found. However, less than a year after meeting Craig Musso on-line, and moving to upstate New York, the relationship ended with Linda White's death. "This is an unusual circumstance, this case," says Wayne County, NY Sheriff Richard Pisciotti. Police in New York say White was strangled to death by her new husband. There is no word on Musso's motive. All that is known is that the Internet brought these two people together. White and Musso met face-to-face for the first time in Memphis, after Musso caught a bus to town. That meeting followed an eight-month relationship on-line. The two were married in Memphis almost immediately. Linda White's neighbors say that was her first mistake. "You should get to know that person personally, before you marry them," says Frank Benson. Criminologist Richard Janikowski agrees, but says Craig Musso may be just another predator using a computer to capture his prey. "The Internet is used for all kinds of things, unfortunately," says Janikowski. Unfortunately for Linda White, true love may have been just a trick. Janikowski says it's a lesson for other potentially lovelorn adults. "There are all kinds of predators out there, and adults need to protect themselves, especially women," says Janikowski. I share this because knowledge is power. And we must be vigilant, pay heed to the red flags wherever they are. It's not quite the imperative to "trust no one," but certainly, we need to proceed cautiously. And gentlemen, if you're offended because women seem reluctant to get involved with you for whatever reason, just be patient, and understand where we're coming from. Of course, not every Internet contact is a potential murderer, but we have to not let our desire to connect with someone, and our yearning to have romance sweep us away, blind us to a more basic danger. File this under "For What It's Worth."

"THE MIDDOS TOUCH"

I understand where the editor was going with this title, but it's a little too gimmicky for my taste, plus I think it doesn't exactly work with the issue covered by the article. And, I put in a reference to the "meet-cute," which is a movie term for the device that gets the two leads together in romantic comedies, which was apparently changed to "meet cute people." Not exactly the same, but whatever. That said, I offer my latest Jewish Week singles column. First paragraph is below--to read the article in its entirety, click on the title below. (11/17/2004) The Middos Touch Esther D. Kustanowitz “I’m looking for a girl with good middos,” the yeshiva boys of my youth would say. The teachers beamed, proud that their students were looking for girls with strong values — family, respect, and modesty. Problem is, nine times out of 10, those boys were punning on the Hebrew word middot, which also translates as measurements — as in 36-24-36. They were looking for a woman with curves in all the right places, and none of the wrong ones. Hearing this, the girls experienced a nagging feeling, as clear as writing on a Babylonian wall, that they had been judged and had been found wanting.

ONLINE DATERS WANTED FOR DOCUMENTARY

If any of you do this, I would love to hear about your experience... I found this on a casting call notice I received from a group called Film in the City. Seeking on-line daters to participate in an independent documentary about the search for love via the internet. Initial on-camera interview will be about internet dating and his/her definition of love and what they are looking for. If the person is amenable, I would be interested in following him/her on a few dates. Cecile Bouchardeau, Producer/Director/Writer, Magic House Productions http://www.magichouseproductions.com/ Cecile@nyc.rr.com.

DATING SERVICE OR NAZI PLOT?

Now that's a game show I'd like to see. (Easy, Spike TV. Down boy.) But seriously, folks. Thanks to the folks at Jewlicious for bringing this new hoax to JA's attention. I can't say it enough, people. If it sounds too outrageous (counties hit by Florida hurricanes voted for Bush...is this divine retribution?) or too good (just forward this email to 100 of your friends and Bill Gates will give you a free computer and a trip to Disney World and a gift certificate to the GAP) to be true, it probably is. Check with your friends at Snopes, and they'll help you out. Just ask My Urban Kvetch...she knows.

CALLING ALL ASTROLOGERS...

Sometimes, on JDate, I like to see "who's online." I designate an age range and off I go, whisked away to a land of (presumably) available, (presumably) Jewish men. Per visit, I view approximately 40 pictures and opening lines, only seldom am I inspired by a smile or a sentence to click to the profile in its entirety. And here's where it gets spooky. With only one or two exceptions, all of the "who's online" profiles I have clicked on for the past three visits have been Geminis. I am also a Gemini. Last week, in a 24-hour period, I "met" via IM two different people whose birthday is the day before mine. Yet, I have never dated a Gemini. What does that mean? Amateur astrologers and non-believers alike welcome to contribute to the discussion.

SUPERFICIAL

Divorcing Bridget Jones I'm really at a loss for words. OK, so I'm not at a loss for words exactly. I guess I'm just not really wanting to dignify a Craig's List posting like this one with a diatribe about men's sometimes-piggishly superficial tendencies or a pontification on what women's attributes are prized or lionized in this community. So great to know this guy is available, though. (And FWIW, the original Craig's List post has been removed. Thanks, Craig!) Via Defamer.

"MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER..."

Thanks for singing along with me on that one. I do appreciate the harmony. Hello there, and welcome to my article about Sunday's shidduch (match) conference. Were you there? Had you been in the past? Have you ever used a matchmaker? Weigh in with your observations here.

ADVENTURES IN JDATE INSTANT MESSAGING

[As usual, the names have been changed to protect the potentially sketchy.] A 35-year-old British guy IMs me, we chat pleasantly for a few minutes. Then, this (my comments bracketed in italics): <BRITISHGUY>: what are your figures? <ME>: what do you mean? [He can't really mean what I think he means, can he?] <BRITISHGUY>: your statistics? [Statistics? You mean "9 out of 10 freelancers starve in their first year on their own"? Is he asking me my salary? He can't really mean what I think he means, can he???] <ME>: i'm still not getting you. <BRITISHGUY>: your waist size, inside leg size etc <ME>: are you for real? [Inside leg size? Just ponder that one for a while. Either he's asking for the circumference of my thigh (!!!) or he wants to know what size the muscles and viscera inside my leg are. In either case, that is literally the first time I've heard that one.] <BRITISHGUY>: why? <ME>: why would you need to know that? <BRITISHGUY>: just interested that's all. <ME>: i don't know how things work in the UK, but the only time that's an acceptable question in the US is if you are a tailor who is making me a suit. <BRITISHGUY>: hypothetically, what eould you do then if a guy you were seeing asked then <ME>: i don't know a single guy (who i would consider dating) who would ask something like that outside of a tailor context. And I don't know any women who even would have carried on this conversation after you asked. [In fact, why am I still here? Insatiable curiosity, I guess...] <BRITISHGUY>: i apologise <BRITISHGUY>: changing the topic--what do you think of bush being elected <ME>: not happy, but have no choice <BRITISHGUY>: yes you do <ME>: what? <BRITISHGUY>: nice chatting with u goodbye Moral of the story: In England, it is okay for a man to ask a woman for the circumference of her thighs and waist, even if that man is NOT a tailor or a beltmaker. However, it is not okay for a woman to express her dissatisfaction with political leadership. What a country!

NOT BRAXTON-HICKS, MYERS-BRIGGS

The former is false labor/contractions, sometimes experienced by pregnant women late in their pregnancies. The latter is apsychological typing system (MBTI-Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), which is the mechanism for the latest entry into the field of online dating, Jewish Types. Aryeh, co-founder of both this site and the extremely helpful JRant, writes: The system helps you identify your MBTI type aswell as the type you are attracted to. The system then matches you with a person that fits your attraction type but also satisfies the requirement they you happen to be also be their attraction type. I personally think that this site can be extremely revolutionary as to how people are matched up. The fact is, that even if you aren't attracted to the person the site sends you, you will nevertheless feel an instant connection and feel comfortable with the other person because not only do you inherently like their type, they inherently like yours! So whether you walk away with a true soulmate or not, you should definitely walk away making some really close friends. There is no cost to join, but if you don't know your type, it could take a half hour or so to determine what type you are, and to which type you are attracted. It took me a while to determine that I'm probably an ENFP (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling Perceiver) attracted to an ESFP (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling Perceiver). I say probably because I felt some of the choices I was given in order to determine those letters were too close to call. You'll see what I mean when you take the test. If you have feedback for Aryeh, feel free to share it with him. If you have a great experience, share it with J.A.

JA POTPOURRI

Mmmmm. J.A. Potpourri smells nice. If you’re not too busy waiting for my new interview with Stacy R. from The Apprentice to appear in the Jewish Week, you might want to check out these sites for dating-related musings, trends and topics: He's Her Lobster... Jack’s Shack does the math for you, and provides you with a topic that, if employed correctly, will drive single women crazy. Personally, I didn’t think you guys needed suggestions of who to drive single women batty. I thought it just came to you naturally. My bad. “Taking one for the team, so your buddy can live a dream…wingmaaaan!” (I do love that Budweiser commercial.) A nod to the PepGiraffe for turning me on to this article from a couple of weeks ago in the NY Times. Apparently, the print version of this article is in that monstrous pile of newspapers and magazines on the floor of my apartment. If you’ve ever thought you’d be good at matching people up in bars, you might want to sign up to be a wingwoman. $30 an hour, you’d go to bars with single men and go “What about her?” If the guy nods yes, you go and chat up the woman, and then transition to the introduction to your client. The article is here and the website is here. Of course, if you prefer your winging to be wirtual—umm, virtual, try the Arriviste Press Virtual Wingman. Bex the Rockstar—A Closet Romantic? I couldn’t believe it either. But my controversial ex-camper’s now backlashing against the Sex and the City approach to New York dating, and has launched a mission to return to those misty, black-and-white days of “highballs and witty discourse.” A Love that Would Look and Sound Like a Movie Blaire Brings an Apple to the Teacher Blaire, of MarryBlaire.com fame, is dating a teacher. They've been together four weeks, which is longer than most of the relationships I've had. So, more power to her. Love Coach JDaters Anonymous reader Janice Bennett, a nationally consulted expert on relationships and the Love Coach for JMatch.com, sends out a regular newsletter with resources, book reviews and announcements of online classes she’s running. Among other things, her site features a blog, and a book review of "He's Just Not That Into You" here. Want more? As we used to say back in the day, tough noogies. Ya gotta wait.

AN "ANSWER"

And the word "answer" is in quotes because I'm not sure this response constitutes an answer. JDate responded to my query. Dear Member, All profiles are active until a member decides to remove his or her profile from the site. As a member, you have the option to sort your search preferences by: New Members, Most Active, and Most Popular. If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us any time at our toll free number: 1-877-453-3861. You can also reach us at: 1-323-836-3000. JDate.com Customer Care I posted a longer version of my letter to them yesterday, but then had to send this shorter version to JDate, because they only allow 500 characters of feedback. You sent me, among my matches, a guy WHO HASN'T LOGGED INTO JDATE SINCE NOVEMBER OF 2002. Why send out a profile of a member who is not active? Are all the profiles that were ever put up still floating out there unless their owners specifically delete them? When you claim over 500,000 members, does that include all the people who have ever registered, most of whom may not log in regularly? Even if they do, they may not be paying members and therefore unable to view messages anyway? What do you think, my readers? Is this an acceptable response to the question I sent them?

LETTER TO JDATE

I just sent this letter to JDate. Well, an abbreviated form of the letter, anyway. They only allow 500 characters of feedback. So I had to be terser. I hate terse. So here's my "director's cut," with a paragraph of "extra footage." Enjoy... Dear JDate, You sent me matches. Never mind that most of the time these matches are people I already know and who are definitively NOT my matches. I understand that the nature of search engine-generated emails results in a personalized email that's not really personalized. This time, you sent me a terrific guy! Cute, sounded smart from his profile (which is harder to find than it should be), and WHO HASN’T LOGGED INTO JDATE SINCE NOVEMBER OF 2002. Suffice it to say, he’s probably not expecting to hear from me. He could be married with a kid and a half by now. Why send out a profile of a member who is decidedly not active? It's false advertising. Isn't there a certain time (say, two years) after which profiles need to be renewed or lost? Or are all the profiles that were ever put up still floating out there unless their owners specifically delete them? When you claim over 500,000 members, does that include all the people who have ever registered, most of whom may not log in regularly, or even if they do, may not be paying members and therefore unable to view messages anyway?

ONLINE DATERS ANONYMOUS

Me: "Hi, my name is Esther." Everyone else: "Hi, Esther." Me: "And I'm addicted to joining internet dating sites." OK, so I'm not addicted yet, but my rejoining of JDate this weekend (and a hot tip from P-Life) led me to check out Frumster, the "Orthodox" Jewish dating site. I even put up a profile, but so far, the profile I'm most impressed with is mine. It sounds conceited, I know. I didn't think finding an interesting profile that communicates something about a person was that difficult, but apparently I have very high standards. I'm compiling new items for my next list of "internet profile comments that irk me." For instance, someone who describes himself as a "gourmand," when he clearly meant "gourmet." Add to this the regular list of internet dating cliches, like "I love to laugh," and I'm hating this whole process anew. Still, I'm trying to be "out there," and open-minded. Even with the new category ("Traditional and growing"), I suspect most of the people on Frumster are too religious for me. Meantime, on JDate this week, a man who seemed very interesting and interested suddenly suspended his pursuit when he learned I wouldn't meet him for coffee on a Saturday afternoon--he's not even observing "the big holidays" these days, he said. Where's the middle ground?

MORE JEWISH MOTHERS GONE WILD

Well, this isn't exactly "wild" (at least not in the sense that some Googlers may have been hoping), but it does show you how much P-Life's mother cares about his happiness. He recognizes in the post that, even if his approach to life's a little different than his mother's, that his mother's love is wonderful and meaningful, and that he's grateful for her efforts. Aww. It's often hard to integrate our parents into the informational loop when it comes to our dating lives. Especially in the early stages of relationships, where we ourselves are reluctant to get too excited about someone (and thereby incurring the infamous "jinx") we don't want to indicate to our parents that there's a hope only to dash it a few dates, or weeks, later. God knows, it's hard enough to admit it to ourselves. We love our parents, and know their intentions are good. But sometimes their concern for us feels like an added source of pressure that we just don't need. When my parents ask after my social life, I try to let them know that I haven't given up, that I'm putting myself out there, and that my social circles are expanding. It's all I can do, and I have to hope that they'll understand that. I think they do. But that doesn't mean they stop asking...

JEWISH MOTHERS GONE WILD

This is an article from an issue of New York magazine from this summer. It’s the story of a mother who impersonated her daughter on JDate to try to get said daughter dates with nice Jewish boys. The mother’s name is Joyce, and her daughter is 24 years old: Joyce paid $28.50 for a one-month membership and started scoping out potential dates -- "I was looking for a doctor." The only time she felt weird was when someone asked about her interests, and she thought, How would a 24-year-old respond to that? Then she printed out and ranked some promising profiles, and gave them to her daughter, who'd been away on vacation. The response: "She started crying that I ruined her life," says Joyce. "It was over-the-top, scary." Joyce's daughter (who refuses to give any name at all) rolls her big brown eyes and says, "You're lucky I didn't sue you." Have I mentioned that I’m more grateful for my mother every day?

O THE HUMANITY!

I sensed it was coming, felt it in my joints like a coming storm. I know JDate's bad for me, but I decided to give him one more chance. I even paid his way back into my life. Why? Because of a tricky little hope that flickers within me, threatening to extinguish itself. Rather than smother the smallness of that entity bigger than an ember and less sturdy than a flame, I decided once more to nurture it, to really give it a go. Even after becoming violently ill after viewing one of the profiles, I decided to give it one more chance. It's an experiment of site and self, and if nothing else, fodder for my creativity. But primarily, I'm hoping for a couple of dates with guys who have a social clue and a sense of humor, and who aren't completely averse to Jewish practice in some form (I know it's JDate, but you'd be surprised). So you see, hope springs eternal. Or for at least another month.

"WELCOME TO JEWTOPIA"

Overheard at the box office when I was waiting to interview the writer-actors of Jewtopia... "Is this play still going to be funny if you're not Jewish?" I couldn't hear the answer. I assume they said yes. I think it's hard to say absolutely, but I think most New York area people, Jewish or non-, will find humor in this play's words, situations and performances...of course, there were a few people who didn't find anything redeeming about it at all, and the writer-actors addressed that in our interview. Anyway, my new article about Sam and Bryan and their opus Judaicus, is now available online: "Welcome to Jewtopia."

P-LIFE GOES SHADCHAN

Forget the disappointments you might have had with Saw You at Sinai, JDate, Frumster or any other attempt at online matchmaking. JDaters Anonymous regular Passionate Life has taken on the job of shadchan (matchmaker), and has posted his list of shidduchim (matches) for some of his favorite bloggers. He matches my other blog, My Urban Kvetch, with His Suburban Kvell, a yet-unwritten blog: "Esther meets her match; story to follow in Jdaters Revealed!" P-Life says. Well, maybe. Forgive an SJF's cynicism. I like my City life. I'm hoping for "Our Urban Kvell" instead. My favorite one: P-Life matches my sometimes arch-blognemesis, JDate.com, with Adate.com: "The place for those so fed up, anyone with a pulse will do!" I think we all hear that. And I'd like to further suggest that for Annabel Lee, we find The Raven. Then she shall be single Nevermore.

IT FINALLY HAPPENED...

I knew it was only a matter of time. And now it's happened. I got an instant message from a JDatenik who literally made me sick. I thought I was going to vomit--that's how bad his picture was. He looked like an axe murderer/pedophile, and his profile was bizarre and creepy. His screen name? Oh, you know my house rules here...I don't name names. Even the bizarre and creepy deserve not to be the targets of slander. One woman's garbage is another's...never mind. But the point is that he had a screen name akin to "Your Meant to Be"...and I had to select "Ignore Your Meant To Be," which seemed so wrong on every level. I read the profile again just to be sure. I was sure. I tried to get my stomach to settle down, but my system couldn't recover from this one. I'm still nauseous. And the kicker? I'm still thinking of rejoining JDate. Why? Because the curiosity is killing me. I have 18 new messages. Given, most of them are probably either a) missed IMs, b) from female friends or c) from the creepy people who have added me to their favorites list and wrote me an email even though my profile tells them I'm not a member and can't read them. But hope remaining the thing with feathers, I may just cough up the dough for another month. Just to see if this abusive relationship's any better the third time around. And if it's not, I'm out of there. Probably.