Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A Question from a JDA Reader: About Matchmaking

A reader writes:

On the Saw You at Sinai site many "shadchans" say they don't charge a fee, but what if they make a match, what is considered a nice "fee/ gift" for making the match?

Is a shadchan "gift" for a shadchan from Brooklyn cheaper than one from Manhattan or out of town? On the Saw You site they have an article from a Rabbi saying it is important to give a gift to a shadchan that makes a match, but doesn't give any guidance on what is considered one. I asked Saw You at Sinai what are the gifts aka "prices", they told me to ask a Rabbi. Can you help?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

13 comments:

Chutzpah said...

If you can actually find a match through someone's help I suggest you name your first born after them and give them 10% of your income for the next 5 year. Didn't anyone tell you that people are NOT getting married in this town?

Lyss said...

It would help solve the problem if the shadchan registered at Macy's or Crate and Barrel.

:-7

Anonymous said...

I don't know, but I have heard of one matchmaker that gets about 15K-20K per person per year (until the client is "matched" of course). Seriously.

Ro said...

I read about one shadchan who recieved a Mercedes Benz from a happy couple. That seems a bit much.

I think if the Shadchan spent the time with you and your beshert that you both would be able to deduce what the Shadchan would like. If not I'd say a gift certificate or gift visa card is always well recieved...well atleast I would like that. :)

Anonymous said...

This is completely off topic but I just wanted to let you know that Jdate has somehow won the "Best social networking" site Webby

Esther Kustanowitz said...

Thanks, last Anonymous--believe me, I'm already on the story.

VJ said...

But folks are not looking for a 'social network' via Jdate, but a bashert! I can get involved in a 'social network' almost anywhere, political party functions, meet ups, film clubs, chess players, 'dog fanciers' etc...

20K sounds a bit excessive to me though for a shadchan/match maker. I can't tell you how long it was before I bought a car that cost that much!

I really think only children are due 10% of your income over any span of years, Chutzpah. That or extortionists. Perhaps your Temple, which also begs the central question on 'networking'. And 20K a year is plenty excessive sounding to me, perhaps we have them confused with a mistress? (I know, one estimate I saw of one of these high dollar luxuries ran into the low-mid 6 figures for upkeep in cities like NYC). What can I say? Fundamentally I'm a cheap date, and I appreciate this in others too. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

Simcha said...

And 20K a year is plenty excessive sounding to me, perhaps we have them confused with a mistress?
------------
Interesting point. Perhaps if the shadchan is the lover of a parent of one of the matchees, only then does he or she command 20 grand?

A quick Googling turned up "$500 from each party". Total of a grand. Like 3 years of JDate. You tell me which is the better bargain.

Maybe if you're really happy with your match, every year you send the shadchan a little thank you present? And if the spouse they set you up with turns out to be a lemon, you send them something else?

annabel lee said...

Wow. This concept never occurred to me. Then again, SYAS kept trying to match me up with guys from New York or Chicago, never in LA.

Anonymous said...

Going rate for a shadchan is about $1,000 for a match. The shadchans are not making huge bucks. Alot of them do it as chesed. As for the comment that "No one in this town is getting married" -- go to onlysimchas.com . Yeah, tons of unaffiliated, reform and conservative Jews are not getting married. It's a major major crisis. But go to onlysimchas.com and you will see tons of Jews getting married, having kids, etc. Most of them are orthodox. Gives one pause to wonder what's going on in reform and conservative judaism. The values and priorities are all screwed up.

Chutzpah said...

Gang, I was kidding!!! The shadchan gets the mitzvah points from Hashem and a better spot in Heaven for all eternity. A Hallmark card and a gift certificate is enough.

As for non-frum matchmakers, yeah they get the big bucks, but they collect them just for taking you into their database. The most expensive out there is Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking. Where does she find the women for the men who pay her...the cosmetics counter at Bendel's!

Anonymous said...

Got to disagree with the last email re giving the frum shadchans a gift certificate and thank you. It is their job. They deserve to be paid. There's a story in frum circles that a married couple was having trouble having a kid, after 9 years of marriage and trying. Their rabbi inquired, and it turned out they hadn't paid the shadchan from 9 years earlier. So they paid the shadchan and later had a kid. Don't know if there was a correlation, but hey, they did the right thing by paying.

triLcat said...

our shadchan wasn't a pro. He was just a guy who dated me once and then introduced me to his best friend. My husband and I debated it for a while, and we decided to take him on our honeymoon....yes, really.

well... okay, it's not exactly like that. My husband and my shadchan are both jugglers, and our honeymoon is going to be at an international juggling convention. We decided to pay for his flight so he can come too.

I think that this is the single most important thing you get in your life. Figure 5-10% of the cost of the wedding is reasonable.

Come on, you think your spouse is worth less than the bar or the flowers?