CoolSJF’s IM chat From Hell

CoolSJF (a pseudonym), a longtime reader of JDaters Anonymous, writes: I've been a non-paying member of jdate for a couple years now and a friend finally convinced me to pay for a month. Believe me, I'm regretting it.... Please see the below, very upsetting IM conversation iIhad with a jdater. I wish there were some way to have him blacklisted. Maybe I should contact Jdate?? What are your thoughts? Should I do anything or just forget about it? [J.A. note: all names have been changed. Some offensive language--and tons of offensive typos-- follows.] weirdosjm: hi coolsjf: yo weirdosjm: whats up beutiful coolsjf: not much. i wish itwere a beautiful day out like it was on monday weirdosjm: i know right coolsjf: i know we've chatted b4, but will u remind me where we met / what your profile is? weirdosjm: jdate, IMmeNow coolsjf: aha that's rigth weirdosjm: good weirdosjm: remember i liked ur smile coolsjf: indeed weirdosjm: so whats up coolsjf: just chillin'. still recuperating from the wkd weirdosjm: i c weirdosjm: so re we going to get some coffee some time? weirdosjm: hello? coolsjf: HA I KNEW IT coolsjf: sorry wrong IM weirdosjm: what? weirdosjm: so r we? weirdosjm: hello? coolsjf: well... coolsjf: the thing is... i'm sort of seeing someone right now weirdosjm: no ur not weirdosjm: y r u on jdate then coolsjf: b/c i just started seeing him weirdosjm: so it dont mean anything coolsjf: doesn't weirdosjm: so y cant we hang out coolsjf: things are pretty crazy weirdosjm: whatever weirdosjm: alot of girls tellme this nad 2 weeks later they r back on jdate coolsjf: fine. coolsjf: well #1 i am seeing someone coolsjf: #2 i am just not that interested weirdosjm: ur not seeing nay one coolsjf: but it's hard to tell someone that coolsjf: i am. weirdosjm: c not interested weirdosjm: i told u coolsjf: but it's 2 reasons weirdosjm: its ok i'll put in that category any way coolsjf: it's a guy in jersey who has come to the city multiple times to take me out. coolsjf: and i think it might be going somewhere. weirdosjm: plus i just looked at ur pic any way weirdosjm: u think? weirdosjm: ok n ever mind, ur oic says it all any way weirdosjm: pic* weirdosjm: ur probabnly a virgin any way coolsjf: so now you are resorting to insulting me? coolsjf: sheesh. weirdosjm: and not clean shaved coolsjf: like that would be a character flaw even if it were true. coolsjf: come on. weirdosjm: yup coolsjf: take rejection like a man. weirdosjm: i c u have no experince weirdosjm: u call that a rejection? weirdosjm: u really have no experince weirdosjm: no wonder ur on the site coolsjf: i am a very fun social girl with a lot of friends and no lack of interested guys. weirdosjm: thats ur problem coolsjf: read it again. coolsjf: try to comprehend. coolsjf: where did you go? YU? weirdosjm: hell no coolsjf: or a technical school that doesn't actually award bachelor degrees? weirdosjm: i am getting my licensce soon and wil make more than people with masters coolsjf: license coolsjf: but at least they can spell coolsjf: and come across as competent, intelligent and caring. weirdosjm: its a c omputer moran coolsjf: moron weirdosjm: i'm chatting with 6 people coolsjf: mazel tov weirdosjm: ;-) thanks bitch coolsjf: so let's stop talking. it's a waste of my time. weirdosjm: ur time? weirdosjm: ok cunt go weirdosjm: and some advise change t he pic on ur profile coolsjf: ADVICE coolsjf: why? 'cause i dont' wear make-up? 'cause i'm honest about what i'm like? weirdosjm: no its more than that coolsjf: don't worry. i've attracted guys who i'm interested in weirdosjm: i'm sure u have that y ur on it every day coolsjf: i'm not going to stoop to insulting you, but your profile is nothing to brag about (pictures and content) coolsjf: actually i'm not,but even if it were true, how would you know it? it would mean that YOU'RE on every day weirdosjm: u know how many emails i get everyday weirdosjm: and its STOP weirdosjm: not stoop coolsjf: no it's STOOP, you imbecile. look it up in a dictionary. weirdosjm: i am on every day the more pussy the better coolsjf: i'm not going to STOOP to insulting you. weirdosjm: u can keep goin coolsjf: stoop as in bend down, get so low and pathetic as to do something. coolsjf: that's the literal definition. the way i used it was figurative. weirdosjm: good so go teach then coolsjf: why don't you go on craig's list if all you want is action ? weirdosjm: i hope this guy see's ur on jdate everyday coolsjf: SEES weirdosjm: whats craigs list weirdosjm: ? coolsjf: oh here you go. please leave jdate forever. go to newyork.craigslist.org -- they have personals sections. it's all free. you can go to "casual encounters." it seems like it's more your speed. weirdosjm: k thanks coolsjf: oh check it. there's a website called f*ckbuddies.com. just what you need. it's for slimey losers who can't find a real relationship. weirdosjm: i dont do that stuff those people arent clean coolsjf: and you are? when were you last tested? given that you say: "i am on every day the more pussy the better" Previous message was not received by weirdosjm because of error: User weirdosjm is not available.

Momo Lifshitz Wants to Pay for Your Wedding...

...that is, if you and your intended meet on a birthright Israel trip. According to Tampabay:

When Shlomo "Momo" Lifshitz [head of Oranim, a tour provider for birthright], finds himself in front of young American Jews taking part in his educational tour of Israel, including some from the Tampa area, the plump, balding man doesn't hesitate. He welcomes them with a simple message: Marry Jewish and "make Jewish babies." And he's willing to pitch in to make it happen. "If you meet your husband or wife on this trip, I will pay for your wedding and honeymoon," he promised a group of more than 100 young adults from the United States.

Some people on the trip found it endearing, but for some participants, "the matchmaking was too much. They joked that organizers were "trying to get us pregnant on the bus." Now there's an image. Who's in? What? You can't go to Israel with birthright because you've already been there? Or you can't get away from your life for that long? Perhaps a Jewlicious conference is more your speed....you're in luck! Click the button under "Cool Ads" for more info...

A Bouncing Baby Blog

Ken Wheaton's "Nondating Life" series is often quoted here at J.A. and is truly the "Cheers" for the single daters (where everyone knows your name). Well, now he has Frasiered...that is, he has spun the series off to a new blog. Read Ken's instaclassics from the beginning of the series, and keep up with his thoughts as he adds them... And tell him Esther sent you!

I Found a Jewish Single Guy!!

But he lives in Damascus. Alas. So Sami's a little bit geographically undesirable. But it's not like he lives in Brooklyn, or anything dreadful like that...and we'd have lots in common: he comes from a family of matchmakers, I attended a workshop for matchmakers. He's the deputy head of the Jewish community, I'm the unofficial Mayor of the Jewish Friends Zone. I just finished watching the DVDs of Firefly, a space western, and his region is regularly pelted by sandstorms. The problem? He doesn't seem to know how to communicate. His instant messager is always set to "Away," so I never know when he's online, screening his IMs, or if he's just not around. Plus, there's that whole "I'm the last single Jew in the country thing" that gives off both elitism and desperation simultaneously. And that's my issue, learning to deal with that... What do you think? Can this relationship be saved? (Hat tip: Jewlicious)

How You Got Here

I'm shameless, stealing the name of this post from Superjux. But hopefully, she'll still let me sleep on her floor when I'm in California next month. People who shouldn’t be on jdate What a great idea. There should totally be a list. Maybe people who post pictures of other people in their profile (for instance, Smith from Sex and the City…I mean, duh…I know that’s not you), or someone who asks a woman’s cup size during the first IM conversation, or anyone who is “just as comfortable in a cocktail dress as I am in jeans relaxing around the house.” Anyone else you’d nominate (no names, please; just “types”) for inclusion on such a list? Frum dating stories “We met in a hotel lobby. All around us, bustling bellboys bore bags. I sipped my diet Coke with lemon, raptly listening to his account of the Siyum HaShas. And as I saw myself reflected in his glasses, I felt Hashem reveal my destiny: I was going to make Shabbes for him.” Wingwoman Always helps to have one. Unless you’re a woman, and your wingwoman is more attractive than you. Then you’re screwed. (See also, “Esther’s College Years.”) Shomer kashrut Because as all J.A. readers know, kashrut news can best be gleaned from blogs about dating. Friend zone test Which of these sentences describes you? A) You like someone. He makes you feel every way you’re supposed to feel, from the way he looks at you, to the laughs you have together. You feel the connection physically, even when he’s not touching you. But he is always dating someone else, and doesn’t seem to look at you “that way.” B) People describe you as “an awesome person,” “a good guy,” or “a cool gal.” To calculate your results, review your answers. If you picked A, you are in the Friend Zone. If you picked B, you are also in the Friend Zone. Recommended course of action: Quit the gym and eat what you want. (Might I suggest pizza, cheese fries and a regular Coke followed by a pint of Ben and Jerry's new Chocolate Therapy ice cream?) Dutch men’s fear of commitment I had no idea that Dutch men feared commitment. But it makes sense, what with the wooden shoes and all. Jdate IM free Believe me, sweetie, even when it’s free, it’s never free. You know what I mean. Married men Jdate Luckily, they’ve not found me yet. Maybe if I’m still single in ten years, I’ll be more openminded, but for now, I’m gonna have to tell the espoused to hit the internet pavement. Drunk people opening feelings One thing's certain. When drunk people open feelings, they should definitely “point away from face.”

YOUR HELP NEEDED!!

Hello, everyone...I'm putting together a plan for the next few months of my Jewish Week column, First Person Singular, and I'm asking the JDaters Anonymous community for help. If you have insights into, opinions of or reactions to the topics and activities listed below, I need your help: * Speed dating (REACTIONS NEEDED ASAP FOR THIS ONE) * Shabbat singles dinner events * Long-distance relationships * Jewish singles travel (how effective is it, are we truly ourselves when we're on vacation, why is or isn't it a good environment for meeting a soulmate) * Dating karma (whatever that means to you) * Dating your friends (transitioning from one to the other, and sometimes back again) * "The Code" between same-sex friends and how it impacts dating * Relationship Dealbreakers ...and anything else you'd care to suggest as a future topic. Thanks, and I hope to have more exciting columns and blog posts for you soon...

Just Like Mom Always Hoped...Sort of...

I just got this email. Do not ask how they got the idea I would be interested. Not that there's anything wrong with that: We'd like to tell you about a new site, www.qjew.com , the world's premier dating site for nice Jewish gays and lesbians...seeking same. Here you'll find a community of like-minded Heebs looking for someone to take home for the holidays. It's free to post a profile, send e-mails, and chat. Take a look around and see what unscrolls your Torah. And if you're not into Kosher meet, forward to a friend. Spread the word. Gossip. It's what we do! Welcome to a whole new world of Jewish geography. If only Hebrew school had been this much fun... Tribe y'all, Team qjew qjew.com Like mom always hoped for...sort of Before I issue them a citation for excessive punning, do any of my gay readers want to do a review? Hello? [tumbleweeds] [crickets]

Sex and the City Strikes Back

Just when you think it's over... A few weekends ago, I watched the final season of “Sex and the City,” with DVD extras, commentary on the last few episodes, etc. The truly preposterous alternate endings made me appreciate the “Carrie and Big Take Manhattan” scenario that the series decided to go with. I won’t ruin it for you here, in case for some reason, you’re super-stoked to discover these decoy endings for yourself. But I wouldn’t bother. You’ll just find yourself staring at the TV, saying out loud “That’s so stupid!”—trust me on this one. In the interim, there’s other SATC related writing going on out there in the blogosphere. Dawn Eden ponders the meaning of single against the backdrop of SATC, and proposes the alternate descriptor: “singular.” As the writer of a twice-monthly column called “First Person Singular” (which I named, BTW), I can’t help but relate to that sentiment. Denise (finally) watches the last episode of SATC (where HAS she been?) and is pensive, envying different aspects of each of the main characters. I read on the subway this morning that Kristin Davis and Steve Martin may be dating. I think he's brilliant, and Lord knows, I get the appeal of funny. But I'm not sure how I feel about about this. I feel like he may be a little smug for her (side effect of comedy brilliance, as I've seen), but what do I know? I wish them well... And of course, we've got SJP in those annoying GAP ads. And making deals with HBO to develop new shows. Think any of them will be about single Jewish gals living in NYC? Not likely.

"You're Great, But I Don't Want to Date You"

Nope, that isn't the latest book from the Sex and the City writers. It's just the topic of this post, inspired by two posts from two separate bloggers on the blogroll... First up is P-Life, with his nice, well-intentioned words run afoul. He found a profile of a woman who seemed great but had four kids. P-Life, having decided that he doesn't want to go from having zero to four like that, wrote her to tell her that although he wouldn't date her because of her children, he thought she had some great things in her profile and he wishes her the best of luck. Her response was cordial. Way more so than I might have been, frankly. I have no doubt that he was well-intentioned. But I can tell you that in a sea of non-response that online dating can be, a message represents hope: and getting a message that says "I think you're great but I cannot date you" is pointless and annoying, even if the intentions were pure. Moving over to one of my fave L.A. girls (see you soon, chica!), Superjux tells the tale of a JDater who contacted her to tell her how great her profile is. (Think the Usual Suspects: "And then, like that--[whoosh]--he's gone.") I have to say that it would never occur to me, unless I already knew the person, to tell someone he had a great profile if I didn't want to get to know the person behind that profile. But apparently, there are guys who do this, and do this NOT to be jerks, but just to express appreciation. My point is that on JDate, or Frumster, or any other dating service, people are online looking for love and connection. For someone to initiate contact with you to say something nice about you seems like it should be totally fine; but for people who are looking for a meaningful connection and who are discouraged by the selection, it's adding insult to injury. In essence, that person (who has been me on more than one occasion) hears "You're great, but I wouldn't date you," which can be torture. They might even hear "I appreciate you for all that you are, but forget about dating guys who appreciate you and concentrate on someone who will treat you poorly." Or "you should totally run for Mayor of the Friend Zone, because you're livin' there and you ain't never comin' out." And so I offer you this. An open letter to the guys of online dating from some of its disgruntled women: Dear Boys, We have no doubt that you meant to be kind. Your intentions were as pure as the driven snow or as the High Priest's holiday garb right before Yom Kippur. But your words didn’t help us. It made us feel, again, like the perma-residents of the Friend Zone. Telling us that we are “great girls” or that you “love” our profiles, but still don’t want to date us is a unique form of torture. Because such responses are rare, every online dating response we receive is precious. When that response turns out to be a rejection, it wounds. If you really like us, set us up with a friend. Otherwise, keep your platonic admiration to yourselves. Wishing you all luck in finding what you're looking for, especially if for some reason it's not us, because we rock something fierce. If you liked our profiles, the live show's that much better. But we guess, now, because of some unknown set of parameters that you have deemed to be dealbreakers, you'll never know. And you'll just have to live with that. Cordially, The Fabulous Single Ladies of Internet Dating

POSTS ARE A-BREWIN' AT THE CIRCLE-"J"

...in the JDaters Anonymous percolator... dating matters a-plenty, from religious rules against touching members of the opposite sex to hooking up, from the Friend Zone to sparkage, and maybe a little Sex and the City reflection here and there... In the interim, check out musical condoms. That's right. I said "musical condoms." Now, you can play it safe along with music! A scientist has come up with musical condoms that apart from being a contraceptive gives you the opportunity play you own tone that gets louder as the sex gets more vigorous. Different lovemaking positions determine what tune is played by the condom, which also works like a normal contraceptive.The rubber has tiny sensors connected to a mini electronic device that produces the sounds. "But there is no danger of being electrocuted," the Sun quoted Dr Chausovskiy as saying, who has teamed up with a manufacturer to export the condoms to Britain. They will cost about 20 per cent more than normal condoms. "But people will pay for the extra stimulation," he added. I bet they will. And this also gives the word "vibratto" a whole new meaning.

WANNA SEND FEEDBACK TO JDATE?

Don't y'all never say I don't bring you pretty things. Like this survey of JDate you can take to "help them improve their site." Be sure to tell them how much you enjoy not being able to see the pictures of the people who email you when you're not a member, or how much fun it is when random words disappear from your profile, and how much you appreciate their fine customer service skills. You're welcome.

DATING-RELATED BLOGCETERA

If you're dating online or off-, or know people who are engaged (natch) in the pursuit of the healthy, long-term relationship, you're probably like me. You've got complaints. And theories. And ideas. And frustrations. And successes. (Well, maybe fewer successes, but they’re out there.) One of the reasons I founded this blog was to provide a forum for all those opinions and experiences. The way it's worked out, a majority of the time, I feel like it’s just me pontificating. So here are a few other voices to balance this community into the approximation of a democracy. Annabel Lee, coming to you (LIVE!) from her kingdom by the sea, is wondering why she’s on JDate, given the roundup of inappropriately-aged and -intellected men who are contacting her. On Jewschool, “Ari Frumsky” writes about having attended the Orthodox Caucus about (what else?) the shidduch crisis. He notes two standouts, Alon Krausz of Jewishtypes.org (which matches people by personality type) and Isaac Galena, of bangitout.com. Krausz’s site sounds like a good idea, and I’ve written about it here before, right after I signed up months ago. Since I haven’t been matched yet, I’m going to assume that I’m just generally unmatchable (a suspicion that’s slowly being confirmed by my experience with Saw You at Sinai, but that’s another post for another time). But back to Galena, who noted that “young Jews on the Upper West Side aren't looking to be married as much as they are looking to be happy.” Honestly, I don’t always like Bangitout. But I’m in this case, I’m gonna have to go with an “Amen, my brother.” Happiness first, then marriage. Even Tevye's daughters knew that. Randomly, a friend of mine had something to say today about the personality typing as matching criteria, which I wanted to share with you: “Like all the other dating solutions out there, I think this is much of a gamble as anything else. Sometimes people with personality types that seem destined for eternal conflict wind up with happy marriages, while those with the "right" type for each other just don't click. Further proof that there is no magical solution to the inexact science of dating and match-making." What do you think?? Can a business model or science model be applied to dating? Is it all luck, or does “strategery” enter into it at all? Is there a set of rules that can be followed, or is every situation different? Do opposites attract, or is it important for people to be the same or similar in order to make a relationship work? Lots of questions. Feel free to discuss these, or add some of your own.

LINES OF THE WEEK

JDaters Anonymous readers are all levels of optimistic, intelligent and jaded. But they're also funny... And here are two examples for your amusement: First, because I read it first, is Superjux’s Conversation with her Doctor: Doctor: In the meantime, what method of birth control are you currently using? Me: Um, Jdate. Seems to be working well. And coming in second (because I read it second) is Annabel Lee (responding to one of my previous posts, about the non-Jewish guy who is considering joining JDate): Be honest, and beware of falling clichés. Indeed.

A READER ASKS...

A letter from a reader, requesting your sensitive feedback, gentle readers... D. writes: Right now, I've got a profile on match.com. In recent months, though, profiles have gone stale -- it seems like every woman there loves to laugh, loves candlelit dinners and romantic evenings by the fireplace, and wants a knight in shining armor who is as comfortable in a tux as in a pair of jeans. Sigh. Anyhow, during a conversation at a family gathering a few months ago, I mentioned my the difficulty in meeting people in the city I just moved to. My aunt and a cousin said "Have you tried JDate?" "I don't think I can, because I don't have the 'J'." You see, Dad's Jewish (Conservative, if that matters at all), and Mom is Lutheran. Dad isn't that observant and wasn't very enthusiastic about raising me as a Jew, so it was off to church, Sunday school, and confirmation classes. In the city where I grew up, the Jewish community is prominent but small, and intermarriage is common. (By the way, they've been happily married for over 40 years.) I'm a terrible Lutheran. When I do go to church, it's usually a Unitarian-Universalist congregation. My own personal spiritual beliefs lean more towards simple monotheism than Christianity with the Trinity, the Holy Ghost, and all that. I live in an area where the vast majority of the city's 80,000 Jews live. I have a Jewish last name. I'm told I look Ashkenazi. I don't have a problem with raising my children, if I have any, as Jewish. I've got half of my family begging me to meet and marry a Jewish girl. My question to the JDaters: do you see anything wrong with a half-breed shagitz on JDate? Of course, if I did have a profile there, I'd explain my background and offer fair warning that I am technically a goy boy. I've heard that there are non-Jewish women on JDate who are looking specifically for a Jewish man, but what about gentiles looking for Jewish girls? Since the Jewish dating pool here is already very large, would it be a futile attempt? My response, which you are free to agree or disagree with, follows: My personal opinion is that JDate is for men and women who identify as Jews. But the reality is that there are many non-Jewish men on JDate (I have no idea about non-Jewish women on the site, as that's not where I'm looking...) If you do join JDate, be honest about your religious background. And if you're looking to escape the cliches, you may be out of luck. They're EVERYWHERE. Readers?Anyone else care to respond?

THE BACHELORETTE

Does anyone watch the Bachelorette? Did you watch it the first time Jen was on? What did you think of the ending? I don't watch it, actually. But that doesn't stop me from having an opinion. Stop by the new My Urban Kvetch to join the discussion.