Let's Get Married...Britney-Style

If you wanna be like Britney, there are a few ways to do it. 1) Let your baby drive, then drop him on his head. 2) Have "Irish twins" (two kids in under two years). 3) Get married in Vegas. Opting for Vegas (baby, Vegas)? Smart choice. And now Wedlok is here to help you in two ways: 1) To corrupt your understanding of how to spell wedlock, and 2) To tell you everything you need to know about getting hitched in Vegas. I've never been to Vegas. But I hear that what happens there, stays there, unless you need meds prescribed after or go into labor nine months later.

Flawed Facebook Fornication Foucault's Fault

University-based social networking tool Facebook is all the rage these days for the college and recently-graduated set. And sometimes social networking gets extremely socially intimate. For instance, take this story of girl sees boy's Facebook profile and is intrigued, sends him a "poke," he pokes back out of courtesy, and they set up a date. Three Stella Artoises later, they move from the common room into the girl's bedroom to "see some of my books," she says:

But when the conversation turned to late cultural theorist Michel Foucault's interpretation of religion under late capitalism, Gold and Larson found themselves at an awkward impasse. "I was shocked when he said he believed in 'a greater spirit,'" Larson told The Herald yesterday. "I mean, how was I supposed to respond to that?" Unsure of how to move beyond the topic of God and religion, copulation of the most "awkward, perfunctory variety" ensued, according to Larson.

Well, who hasn't been there...when philosophy fails, there's always fornication. Of course, there's the awkwardness of him sneaking out the next morning, and her sending him a note asking him to be in an "It's Complicated" relationship with her, which he thinks is too much of a commitment. Why be tied down, man? Especially to someone who doesn't believe in "a greater spirit"? I mean, how would they raise the kids? On an ending note, I do need to state that I believe this is a joke from the good people at Brown. The date on the story is April 3, which is close enough to April 1st to give one pause, and if you need any further convincing, check the woman's thesis title. Still, entertainingly written and conceived, and not altogether impossible in today's sexually casual but intellectually complicated world.

NY Times Vows in Video!

If you've run out of friends who decide to get married, you're undoubtedly missing all of the "how we met" stories that happy couples regale listeners with... But now you're in luck: The NY Times has launched a new Vows site, complete with videos of the happy couples talking about how they met. Allow me to recommend: 1) Sheera and Steven talk JDate, Swamp Thing and paying for your own filet mignon 2) Matthew and Shari learn that there are cool places on the Upper West Side, and how Hawaii vacations can break up your relationship... 3) Lisa and Sam meet on JDate and experience some relationship turbulence... Beware...viewing these videos might make you simultaneously long for romance and long for anti-nausea medication. Or maybe that was just me. Mazal tov to all the happy couples...

Never Never Never Trust a...

The good news is I've solved the conflict between Muslims and Jews. All we have to do is agree that the opposite sex is evil and that singles should only mix in pursuit of immediate marriage. Whaddya say, kids? Doable?

Those of you who are loyal Jewlicious or JDaters Anonymous readers may remember a post I did last year about a site for frum (religious) teens called, well, FrumTeens, which had a post cautioning girls (in 71 different "reasons") to "Never never never talk to boys..." According to "It's Muslim Boy Meets Girl, But Don't Call it Dating" (NY Times), American Muslims "equate anything labeled “dating” with hellfire, no matter how short a time is involved." (Well, they're kind of right. Or at least it feels like hellfire sometimes. But usually a trip to the doctor clears that up.)

The couple of hundred people attending the dating seminar [at the Islamic Society of North America’s annual convention, which attracted thousands of Muslims to Chicago over Labor Day weekend] burst out laughing when Imam Muhamed Magid of the Adams Center, a collective of seven mosques in Virginia, summed up the basic instructions that Muslim American parents give their adolescent children, particularly males: “Don’t talk to the Muslim girls, ever, but you are going to marry them. As for the non-Muslim girls, talk to them, but don’t ever bring one home.”

But what about online dating and email messages? Surely that constitutes innocent and pure behavior, providing a safe space for Muslim singles to interact? Not so fast...basically, the article tells us, to Muslim ears, "dating" is a euphemism for premarital sex. Or, as the dating seminar moderator put it, "All of these are traps of the Devil to pull us in and we have no idea we are even going that way.”

Still, most American Muslims acknowledge that the optimal mate-finding process--an arranged marriage--is unattainable in this day and age. But they still want to be involved in the process.

So here's the idea...a Joint Muslim-Jewish Task Force on Eradicating the Evil Process of Dating in the Modern World So That Singles Can Hurry Up and Get Married Already But Not to Each Other (Heaven Forbid). The JMJTFoOEtEPoDitMWSTSCHUaGMABNtEO(HF) may just revolutionize relationships, between Jews and Muslims as well as among their respective singles populations. And you heard it here first, folks...

Hooray for Singles!

Sometimes singles feel reluctant to admit their uncoupled status, as if it's some sort of stigma or something...well, singles rejoice! Because now we can take couples in a fight--we've got the majority advantage. According to unmarriedamerica.org, the number of unmarried Americans (which includes singles, widowed, and divorced Americans) is now at 50.3%, In your face, Married America! And if that weren't enough good news, I'm pleased to also share with you the discovery that National Singles Week is 9/18-23, which begins Monday and runs through next Saturday. (No revelry on Sunday the 24th, though. I don't know why we don't get a Sunday. That's just the rule. Don't ask me. I've got no sway with them, unfortunately. Maybe National Singles Week just "doesn't make Sunday...because of God.") National Singles Week was started by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s to celebrate single life and recognize singles and their contributions to society. So in tribute to all the wonderful singles out there, I'm asking you all to submit your nominations for "Greatest Human Contribution by a Single Person." Or some other such category. Consider it open nominations for any category involving single people. Allow me to get you started with some suggested categories...the rest is up to you:

• Most Responsible Online Dater
• Least Likely to See a Matchmaker
• Best Performance Involving an Embarrassing Situation
• Best Online Dating Profile
• Best Singles Book
• Best TV Representation of Single Life (Since the Cancellation of Sex and the City)
• Most Creative Breakup Strategy
• Best Blog on the Subject of Singles and Dating

And no, that last one doesn't have to be me. And you don't have to stick to these categories either. You know, just like in dating...no rules here. Just be nice to each other. After all, in the world of the uncoupled, we all have to stick together. Happy National Singles Week to all you JDaters Anonymousers....

Belated Roundup

I've been compiling some recent posts by other people that I thought were worth linking to, and was hoping that they'd gel into some larger lesson about dating, but I seem to be lacking the necessary gelatin. So here they are, sans great insight from me, presented on their own merits. Discuss amongst yourselves... Forbes had done a story on whether men should marry career women, and the answer was a resounding no. So naturally, Forbes asked one of their female writers, a career woman herself, to respond. Essentially, she tells dudes to start going to the gym. Elsewhere, a woman posts about being told by her laundry lady that she'd better hurry up and get married; the only upside is she gets Gawker traffic for it. And EW's Popwatch (with an assist from me) coins a new word that has dating lexicon potential: ventimentality. On the Jewish side of things...At the Philly Jewish Exponent, a writer gives his moderately amusing advice about what to do and not do at your next singles event...Draydel writes about having been to a singles weekend, and discovering that men have insecurities too, she feels a new empathy for them, which is very magnanimous and open-minded of her. But I suspect there's no forgiving what happened to this friend of Chayyei Sarah's, who went on a date with a guy who was already on a date with someone else. I only wish I were kidding. A real disturbing story that might make you hate men (or at least, men who behave like the dude in the story did). So consider yourselves warned. And in other news, I'm nearly broke. Donations accepted via PayPal and in the form of magical voodoo rituals that ensure prosperity. No goat sacrifices, please.

Smokin' Singles: A Dream Becomes a Google Alert

A few years ago, I met someone through the internet. He was a real sweetheart online, but with a serious edge when we met in real life. He lived far away, which wouldn't necessarily have discouraged me if the chemistry was right. But when we met, I think it was immediately clear to both of us that it wasn't a match. Plus, he was as devoted a smoker as I was a writer. Despite my sending him an occasional email, we fell out of touch; because there was really little point, I guess. Last night, I had a thought before sleeping that crossed into a dream state--I knew a girl for this guy; she had spunk, and humor, was a Republican, was passionate about Israel, and she was a smoker. If the distance were no issue, I would set them up. Not like being a smoker was the only reason to match people up--if the goal was to recruit new smokers or get the old ones to stop, a smoker/non-smoker pairing might be a better strategy. But the smoking factor, combined with the other ones, made me feel like maybe I should get back in touch with him, if only to put him in touch with her. They could be smokin' hot soulmates. Or they could be a total mismatch despite having things in common. Or the distance could prove too much for both of them. Who knows? But who was I to stand in the way of a potential match? And how else would these folks meet each other? It's not like there's an online dating service for smokers, is there? And this morning, there it was, in my GoogleAlerts folder--"Dating for Smokers Launches SpeedDating." DFS was started by UDrive Dating, a corporation that covers niche markets like Large and Lovely, Color Blind Personals, and yes, Smoke-Free Dating. (No reason not to cover both sides of the market; next up, "I only smoke when I drink, and since the NYC smoking ban, I can't smoke anywhere anymore and it sucks" Dating.) Anyway, this taught me that either a) I am a dating site prophet, or b) anything I might possibly think of has already been done. So the choice is believing myself prophetic or unoriginal? What will the lady choose...

Coming Soon, a Change

Because of various Blogger problems and a customer service department that rivals JDate in the race for the coveted title of "Ignoring Your Customers," I'm going to be moving this blog over to a new Typepad-powered site. So look for a new template, new graphics and photos, and most importantly, a new URL that's shorter, sleeker, and 50% more flame retardant. More on this situation as my technological ability develops. Stay tuned!

Are You Broken Up? MySpace May Know...

Are you and your special lady in a relationship? Are you sure? Are you and your boyfriend, like, totally broken up? Are you sure? In the electronic age, there's only one way to know: check all of your significant other's online affiliations. Because he may still be cruising JDate, or she may have changed her MySpace designation from "In a Relationship" to "Single," or your special someone may not be ready to move forward with you and only you--and you'll find out because her Friendster relationship designation is now "It's Complicated."

But what are the rules? How long are you supposed to wait to change your status after a breakup — or, for that matter, when a relationship begins? And beyond checking off status, what should you do with sexy comments a fling has posted? Or when do you downgrade an ex’s online avatar from your list of top friends?

But really this isn't news. Relationships are always complicated. The only way to make sure you're on the same page is if you sit down and have a conversation. Close that IM window, kids--I'm talking about a real conversation. You know, the kind you have over dinner or even over the phone. Yes, I'm radical. And still single, actually, so never mind, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Don't do drugs--stay in school!