Thursday, February 09, 2006

"They're Not Even a Real Country Anyway..."

It's time we talked aboot this. We have nothing agaynst Canadians per se. Unless "we" includes South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, but you already knew that they Blame Canada for everything. And George Carlin, whose "Let's Bomb Canada" routine makes strange, disturbingly violent foreign policy sense. Not that Canada should be blamed or bombed. No. Some of my best blogfriends are from Canada. But you Canadians need to get off your butts and ask us out. According to a new survey--coordinated by Harlequin Enterprises, so consider the source--a whopping 75% of Canadians lack the cojones courage to make the first move. Since I've made the first move three times in the last twelve months (never you mind the gut-wrenching results), this is proof that either a) I am not Canadian, or b) I am an exceptional Canadian. (Only the passport agency knows for sure.) So what's a Canadian to do? Become a "North American," because the survey then stops talking about Canadians per se and extends the territory of shyness to the entire continent:
More than 70 per cent of North Americans who were surveyed depend on friends to do the legwork when it comes to meeting people. Relying on an old college buddy to set up a double date can actually work, as 33 per cent of those surveyed met their current or last squeeze through friends.
Friends! Now why didn't I think of that? Now, where are all of my old college buddies? Oh yeah. Married. With kids. And SUVs. In the suburbs.
And if all else fails, some Canadians turn to fortifying their courage with alcohol. Twenty-six per cent of the men surveyed admitted to drinking in order to get up the confidence to approach someone, while only 15 per cent of women said a drink or two helps.
Finally an equal opportunity idea that we can all embrace. Happy hour anyone? How about AA?
The survey found that North America has a somewhat idealistic view of love as 42 per cent of those questioned said they think the best way to meet new people is by chance...[but] only 17 percent of those surveyed said they met their current or last significant other by chance. the meet-cute of movie legend. Stumble over a frog who loves you and suddenly he becomes a prince. But how many frogs exactly does it take?
Forty seven per cent said they believe you need to date between two and 10 people before finding the one, whereas only 12 per cent of those surveyed feel you only need to date one person to find your true one and only.
New math: Forty-seven plus twelve equals a hundred. It doesn't? Well, count me among the 41% who are missing in action on this question. I don't have any answers. I just don't want to buy anything sold or processed. Or sell anything bought or processed. Or process anything sold, bought or processed. In a word: kickboxing. It's the sport of the future.


VJ said...

Another fresh post, and yet I know it has lain fallow for several hours w/o comment. Could it be true that the Divine Ms. E is...[[EEKKKK!!!]] of the Canadian persuasion? But yes, the US had active plans to invade Canada until the 1930's. There have been recent news reports on this revelation. Not to be outdone, the Canucks likewise had plans to invade the US. And all this would be a reprise of ...wait for it...the War of 1812. The only previous war prior to 'Nam (and the current ones in SW Asia) where we were fought to a draw. (Of course everyone on the other side will claim it as a win).

But there's plenty of problems with this Harlequin survey. I mean where are the Quebecois in this picture? They've now been rubbed out of Canada? How about the 10% of foreign born in the US (& Canada)? Don't they count? Yes the English have been known to be a bit reserved & reticent for a few 100 years, what of this? What about all the other hot blooded nationalities that make up our great nations? The Nigerians will seek you out to woo you from across the globe. The Cubans will steal you away from almost anyone. Ditto for many Latino's. Generations of Russians & Portuguese and most of S. America would sing, dance and drink away the night to impress. Ditto for the Scots & Irish for that matter. Recall all the old Ballads, the classic love poetry. Most of what we have are from this heritage of English/Sctos/Irish origins. (Yes, even a bit of Old French too). Where did all this inspiration and gumption go?

We have forgotten our roots. We have neglected the soul of our communities for the dull pallid affections of TV and the attractions of a neon mono culture that most of the rest of the world only cringes and ogles at in distant fascination. This is far worse than any nuclear crisis. It marks the end of civilization as we know it. This ultimately means that we'll have to import millions of new immigrants if we are to ever have a chance at maintaining our population at present levels. Oh. Well never mind! (Ben Wattenburg eat your heart out!) Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'

grand Muffti said...

Whatever, Canadians are doing just fine. Muffti can totally vouch for them. The thing is, we're so damned good looking and cool that we're always being approached. And we consider it a bit petty and beneath us to go and actually ASK someone we are interested in to go out. Hell, if they won't put in the time to come to us, they aren't really worth our time to begin with :)

Anonymous said...

I don't know, you COULD meet a guy at AA. I saw a movie, name escapes me, where one of the lowlife characters used to pick up girls at AA Meetings.

Better idea: start a group called "Esther-holics Anonymous" who are addicted to your blogs, and click on them the very first things after Windows boots. They have to stand up and say, "Hi, I'm anonymous and I'm an Esther-holic". Then they have to say why.

In honor of your other blog, you could start a spin-off group called "Kvetch-a-holics Anonymous". This is a group where people get up and whine about their problems, and try to trump each other.

"Hi, I'm Stacey. My boss gave me a REAL hard time all week, I missed my train today, and the dog peed on the rug".

"HAAH! That's bupkis. I'm Marnie. NONE of my JDate prospects has decided to form a relationship with me, my apartment got flooded, and I skinned my knuckles scrubbing the bathtub".

At the end of the meeting, everyone votes on who won, and everyone has to take them out for desert at Dougie's Dairy, where they always make me wait for 3 hours for my food, so you can continue the hocking there. Just a suggestion. Simcha